December 22, 2004

Food Baby Is Taking Over My Life

Christmas is nigh.
Food is all around. Everyone is about to give birth to the Food Baby that is emerging around our midsections.

Recap of what has been a very busy week.
Friday night was the holiday party. Great effort into the place and the food (the beginning of the food baby). There was dancing. There were my co-workers dressed up. There we were overlooking Hollywood Blvd from up high.
But it wasn't a place for single folk. All the couples were nicely paired up. All the singles were like, "Did I go to the wrong location"
Normally that shit doesn't bother me, but it was a little depressing.
Mads went with me and Carrie brought her friend and we were looking around at all the cute boys who were really less than interesting.

Mads looks at me and says, "Let's blow this popcorn stand and head to the Burgandy Room".
We do. I had never been there. She was like, "This place is the best since people are friendly and it's crowded so you end up talking to a lot of people."

We start talking to a guy who is really cool. His girlfriend comes to join him. We all talk for a little bit. I am slowly getting moved into the corner.
I feel clausterphobic. Then some guy keeps eyeing Mads but will not make the move. Finally he does. I realize that I am stuck in the corner between 2 couples - cool guy and girl and Mads and the new admirer. The cool guy and girl try and pity converse with me. That is the worst. I had to get out of that fucking corner.
So I make my escape. I lean against the bar, now visible to all the throngs that will pass me by. That do pass me by. Some talk, some don't. The whole night I have been in a jaded state which isn't really like me. So I kind of don't care about anything and I have no expectations for how the evening will turn out.

Then some guy who I was looking at from time to time comes up to me.
He praises my hair. I thought at first he was a gay hairdresser. Turns out that he WAS flirting. He was Peruvian. Very cute. Very gentlemanly. He asked for my number. I refuse to carry a pen anymore. I used to be so acommodating for the boyz, but since I really don't care anymore, I figure, if they really want to see me again, they can do the work. I am done doing the super sleuthing and pen carrying. If they think they will want a girl's number, they can get a system going. I know women carry purses so it seems more obvious. I dunno. I think I am not in a mood to be meeting peeps in bars. I truly am a bit jaded.
He memorized my number (which in a bar means you will forget it as soon as you hit the exit door).
Finally, I was over the evening. Mads and I scooted, to the dismay of her new admirer. He even called her while she was driving me home.

The weekend was really nice. Very relaxing. Carrie and I met up on Sat night to exchange gifts. We went to Il Capriccio where one of my fave waiters there (Terrence) was waiting on us. The food there is divine. Of baby was beginning to get bigger. At 10:30, I looked at Carrie and said, "I am fading sooo fast. I am sorry to do this, but do you mind if we head home?"
She was cool with it. As we walked home, I felt my energy going going going....
As soon as I walked in my apartment, I headed to bed.

Woke up early Sun morning and took care of several errands

Then went in the afternoon to a fabulous holiday party in Orange County.
There was foosball and karaoke and the best damn food ever (I can actually feel Food Baby starting to move around). Darn it. I was doing so well.

Monday, saw Cindy, Jerry and baby Justin in Burbank for Cindy's birthday. It was nice to catch up.

Last night was Evren's show. They played well. Their set was too short if you ask me. Went with DMan to the gig. That was cool. Hadn't seen him in awhile. As always, he made me laugh.
We ended up at the 101 and had a late dinner. Mads and I split the turkey club and I fed Food Baby some fries...natch.
DMan made fun of his hash brown and compared it to the kind you make when you are learning to cook. It was true. Very homemade teenager cuisine appearance.

Ev and Jax may have a new year's party. That would be cool if they did.

Today and yesterday at work have kicked my ass. I had to keep giving my boss new files since the deals kept pouring in. At one point, I thought the folder pile was about to topple.
"I feel like i am playing Jenga with your files" I said sort of to lighten the mood.
"Heh, yeah." is all Boy Boss being buried could muster.
I almost snapped at him at one point. But then I realized how much they are piling on him and I almost felt some sympathy. Or empathy. I can't remember which is which. I am sure I had both.

We had our department party. I love my co-workers. We crack each other up. Everyday, I have a chance to laugh with someone here.
I also got some really cool gifts. But the was everywhere...multiplying like bunnies. Food Baby couldn't take anymore. There was eggnog...I passed (although yuck...eggnog...I would have passed anyway). There were Dolly Bars and Pralines and my Pumpkin bread...passed passed passed. I couldn't even eat the yummy soup (chicken tortilla) from lunch that was going to be my dinner. Too rich.

I must eat broccoli (sp?) tonight. Thanks Mads, good idea.

I have reconciled with my mom and gotten frustrated, nay, angry, at my dad. That will make for good christmas fun. I am over it now so we will see if new shit gets stirred.
Must be the holidays. And lack of sleep.

I need to pick up my purse that is being fixed from this place in Silverlake. The guy is a one man operation. He is so sweet but he sort of seems stoned when I talk to him. He is foreign so it could be a language thing. ANyway, I went to pick up my purse a couple of days after it was supposed to be done. He comes out with a bandaged hand and apologized since it is not done, due to the fact he has cut open his hand while working. He kept apologizing. I was like, "It is just a purse; it can wait. Take care of your hand"
"Okay, thank you thank you. So sorry. I am sorry"
"Don't worry, really. Just heal your hand" Never thought I would ever use the phrase "heal your hand".

I should pick it up tonight. Or maybe I will call just in case...

Tomorrow is the day all of us at work are looking towards. Because after tomorrow, we are on vacation. And that means me-time.

And maybe it means that I can let food baby go. Food baby...get thee gone.

Posted by Kirsten at 06:20 PM | Comments (0)

December 17, 2004

Rocking the Boat

Whenever I make a public decree that things are going well, it is like I am tempting the universe. And not being one who loves to rock the boat but who inevitably usually does, I don't love tempting the universe.

But it happened. Call it part of mercury retrograde. Call her part of the learning curve. Whatever you call it, I was hit with a doozy.

My mom called to tell me that she liked the gift at the salon. But the woman washed her hair too hard. And the neck thing at the shampoo bay hurt her. And she didn't end up liking the style. That was all included in the call that said she loved the gift. She also had a hand massage (I Had given them explicit instructions NOT to do a manicure because my mom doesn't like manicures).
Turns out, they did it anyway, and THAT was the part she loved. Of course.
When I am tip toeing around what she says she wants and her needs being met, it never fails: She is never satisfied. The next day, I get a call saying she woke up feeling weird and was walking funny because of the pain in her neck from the shampoo and the head massage.
I had had it.
I was done.
I calmly said, "OKay"
She continued on.
"I am only telling you so that you don't get it for me again. Even though I loved it. Well, I loved the idea of it and the thought was really sweet. I just don't want it again. But I loved the manicure..." she babbled on.
I heard nothing else.
My mind went into a swirl of anger. This has been the case with gifts for her for the past 10 years.
I am done.
On the way to meet Mads to go to the hospital, I just vented. Thank god for Mads listening.
She suggested giving my mom a Trader Joes gift card.
That is a brilliant idea. If I gave her a certificate to a restaurant, she would get food poisoning. It is like she wills bad shit to happen so she will have EVEN more attention paid to her.

At least with a TJ's card, she can buy what she wants and be happy.

My dad used to say, "Consider your audience." I have always felt angry when people felt okay to treat me like I was both their problem and their solution. The babysitter and the babysat. The child and the parent. The boss and the employee. I don't like being talked to about me as if I am okay with so much criticism. I already entered the acting world, so I have had plently of criticism in my life anyway.

It also made me realize that I tip toe around people a LOT. Remember the not tipping the boat thing I mentioned? I love to keep the balance. Like many of us from homes with problems, there are those of us that are the peace keepers. Problem is that even though that is a role that my sister and I have played for so long, my personality is more of a renegade. I don't like taking direction. I don't like catering to people's needs. I don't like checking in with anyone. And yet, this is the pattern I have lived with for so long. There is a struggle inside me as to being good and being true to myself.

I let others be brats around me. I treat their feelings with kindness. Maybe it is because I am stronger and can see that others may need to behave that way more than I do. Or maybe it is because I place others' needs above my own to keep the peace. It isn't that I don't know what I want. I know what I want. But I have gotten into a pattern of becoming too aware of everyone's comfort level. I have become too accomodating.

I am done hanging out with bratty adults. People who "just don't know what they are doing" and therefore feel it is okay to complain or lash out because "they are in a bad place". I go through my bad place phases all the time. I don't take it out on others. Neither does Mads. It really pisses me off that I have let this go on for so long. Pissed at myself for not taking care of it earlier. The more you give people, the more "precious" they think they are and feel they need to be handled so cautiously. It is a catch 22. And it is a bottomless pit of never ending hunger once you have been treated that way. You will never quench your own thirst. You need to have the well run dry. And I have always been the person that would break my back making sure no one's well ran dry.

But I will let it run its course. It people have a dry well, oh well. It is by their own choices. I am taking care of it now. The energy I have spent trying to keep peace, or look like a nice person or bring people out of their shells to make them feel better, or to aid people in their time of need, while still taking the comments that I am selfish, or an attention hogger or a loudmouth has been sooo wasted.

All that one really cares. It is like they are hungry for a snack and I put out a friggin buffet.
No more.

In talking to Mads, I was like, "I am just going to be as rude to my mom and dad as they are to me lately. And I am going to snap back at my bratty friends like they do to me."

Mads, in perfect libran balance, says, "You can handle it maturely. You don't need to give up what you have that is good. You don't need to go to their level. You just need to be a bit more balanced in what you give out. It doesn't have to be so one or the other".

She is right. I don't want to become the same as they are. I want to be able to be a brat once in awhile like those around me. But in not trying to rock the universe's preverbial boat, I am learning that these bumps that come at me, are tests that I can still move through and decree that I am doing fine.
And after hanging out with Mads and Ennui last night to go the hospital to see our friend, and after going to Versailles for yummy cuban food.
And after going to Malo to meet Simone for her goodbye drinks.
After I got home and went to bed.
After all that...I wasn't angry anymore.
My boundaries still could use some reinforcements, but the anger was gone.
My happiness was back on track.

I guess when you are in a little boat trying to hold it all together and you fear that rocking it will get you wet, you need to realize you will get wet anyway. That you are not assured a bumpless road. I don't think I would want that anyway. I think what I am learning is not to take these tests so personally. Just learn from them. Check myself. And grow into the woman that I am learning to be.

Posted by Kirsten at 02:23 PM | Comments (2)

December 16, 2004

The Santa Anas

I remember as a kid that I would get really excited for the Santa Ana Winds.
They blow warmly and excite people into strange behaviors like a full moon does.
When I lived in Switzerland, this kind of wind was called a Foen. I think the Northern Africa Scirocco winds are also like that. As are the Chinook winds. Or so I am told. I am most familiar with the Santa Anas.

Now that I am an adult, I notice that as exciting as I still get by it, it makes people around me act soo nutty that I have a hard time enjoying it.

Case in point...Boy Boss is acting cuckoo today. It is like he is a hyperactive child who has had a lot of sugar. Or like he has been abducted by aliens. He usually handles stress differently. Today, he is all over the map.
He is just jabbering away. And I...well, I am moving at a tortoise pace which is unusual for me.

I had just walked in this morning, when he wandered out to my desk with coffee in hand (always my first indication, this is not going to be a short conversation) to start talking. My eyes darted back and forth to realize that there was no coffee in my proximity as he was telling me about how he was able to sleep last night because he took St. John's Wort and it knocked him out. He descibed what he was watching on tv when sleep over took him. It was like he was channeling vile Girl Boss who usually does this.
He was very intent on revving me up again for the horrors that were gonna happen today.
I won't engage him in his panic. He is looking for someone to join him in his misery. I just can't. When he begins the self talking of "Oh my god. I can't believe this! What do they want?", I just ignore him. I have tried giving little comments of "Oh really?", "Hmm, interesting" and "you don't say" but that only encourages said behavior.

So other than that, I am feeling good. Excited about the wonderful week off between Christmas and New Years (Sam - remember 3 years ago New Years? Will you be coming down again? Please please please. I need to see you.)

I will do a lot of writing, take a day trip with Jazzy, hang out and pontificate at the beach, catch up on my movies and clean up my place.

Sagi's Hanukkah fest was fun. The latkes were delish and the geld of course, was chocolatey goodness.

We exchanged some gifteroos. Some of the boyfriends of my friends said some pretty macho, offensive things.
At one point, one boyfriend said to another boyfriend, "See, as soon as we start opening presents, the energy in the room goes up from the girls. Just like I thought. Girls are materialistic."
"Am I the only one hearing this?" I screeched
"I have to express need for you to repeat it."
I was shocked in place, holding my plate of latkes and my wine which I almost dropped.
The women were the ones keeping the conversation and the energy going in the first place. Well, Zapato's boyfriend and Sagi's brother did too (both cool dudes).
Meanwhile, the guy that made that comment, was the one who wanted to open any presents that were for both him and his girlfriend.
What is going on with people these days? Sheesh. Must be the winds.

Sagi's boyfriend gave us the tour of what he had done to the place. He had before and after pictures that he happened to have nearby. He really made the place look great.

Tomorrow is my company party. Saturday, Carrie and I are going to dinner and exchanging gifts. Sunday, I will be in OC for a fun day with Jazzy's friends. Monday, Cindy comes to town for her birthday with her little boy Justin. Tuesday is Evren Goknar's show at the Lava Lounge. Tonight is Simone's farewell drink before her trip to New Zealand and prior to that, Mads and I are going to visit a friend of ours in the hospital who was recently in a car accident.

I am just exhausted writing all that.
It is a lot.
But I love keeping a full social calendar for the most part.
Last night I stayed home to re-energize myself.
I take all my vitamins (which I think are making my hair uber curly) and some emergenC every morning.
I feel gooooood. A little worn out, but goooood nonetheless.

It is warm outside (I type that phrase as I listen to Boy Boss play, "Baby it's cold outside") but I still have a heater at my feet. And every time I walk outside, I feel the wind start its little puffs.

People may be acting more nutty than usual, coupled with exhaustion from end of year deadlines and christmas shopping, but this holiday season is mine. This wind is mine. I am enjoying them full throttle and no one's weird behaviors or bad mood excuses are going to mar that for me.

Posted by Kirsten at 02:21 PM | Comments (0)

Dispatch This, Jerk!

In the midst of me loving all things and people, I had a very strange encounter on Tuesday evening.

I was going to the Sagi's for some yummy latkes and geld, I noticed a man riding his bike along the road. He was skidding towards the ravine out of control. He stopped himself from falling into the ravine by falling off his bike and hitting his head.
"Oh my gosh!" I yelled out loud as if someone could hear me. I stopped my car. BUt then I realized that the light was green and a slew of cars were barrelling to go through the green light behind me.
There was no where to pull over. I tried to flip a U but the traffic was so heinous that there was not much I could do. I noticed that I was the only one that saw him fall. So I called 411 to get the non-emergency police dept. (my first mistake). I get this dispatcher who is mad at the intersection span I gave him. I could tell him the street it happened on. I could tell him where I had started and the street sign above me. I didn't know what intersection EXACTLY the man had fallen near.
After getting a lecture about my lack of observation about where and how the span of distance was too great, I snapped, "Look, I am just saying, if there is a cop in the area, he might drive by just to see that no one is lying there bleeding."
"Well, in the future, you need to give better cross streets"
"I am just trying to help this guy. Can't you just see if someone is near?"
"All I am saying is that you should..."
"Okay thank you" I snapped.
He hung up

I was stunned at his insolence in response to something that I thought was a good thing to do for someone. I was made that my girly emotions were emerging.

I called back hoping to get someone else. I got him again.
He was still lecturing me.
After I said that I just wanted to make sure we didn't have a guy dead on the side of the road, he asked where I was then. I told him.
"Where were you when it happened?"
"In my car"
"How did you see it then?"
With my eyes you fuckwad, I wanted to say. But instead I said,
"Because it was near the road where I was driving."
Then he asked me my name. I told him. He asked for my last name. I hesitated. "Why do you need that?"
"Well, you want to file a report, we need that."
I gave it to him.
Then my phone number.
When he asked for my address, I balked again.
"Can't this be anonymous? I mean, there is no reason you would need my address. I am telling you all that I know on the phone."
"Okay" he said in the meanest, coldest tone I had ever imagined coming from someone working to protect and serve.
"Why are you being so rude to me? Why are you making this seem to be like I created a problem for you?"
"Okay" and then he hung up.

I was stunned. Stunned. Mad. I tried to call 911, imaginging that with all this time spent arguing with them, that the guy would need an ambulence if we were still there. I couldn't get through.
I ended up calling 411 again and asked for the number to the next town's police. The woman was very helpful and told me that she would send a fire truck by there to make sure.

I called the next day to file a complaint with the sargent about the dispatcher's behavior. Someone will call me back in a week. I am over it. There was no dead body the next day on the stretch of road. I just hope whoever it was is okay. I was informed that asshole had put the call in, so maybe someone drove by and took care of it.

Other than faith in people has been staying on the up and up.

Posted by Kirsten at 01:23 PM | Comments (0)

December 14, 2004

Day of Sagi's Hanukkah Soiree

Day of Sagi's Hanukkah Soiree
Tonight Sagi is having her "Festival of Light" fest for her friends and family.

As I am a "beloved gentile" according to her invite, I am at a loss as to what to bring tonight.
I asked one of the bosses here at work. She laughed at the idea of the party and thought it was an awesome idea.
"Yes, but what do I bring" I pleaded since asking the hostess only brought the answer of "whatever you want".
The boss said the same thing.
"You could bring donuts" she said.
"Mads is bringing jelly donuts."
"Then bring more jelly donuts."

She also suggested that I bring Manischewitz wine as a joke.
Maybe I will. I dunno.
I am loving the holiday season though.
All these fests celebrating different religions, cultures and evenings of food. Yummy yummy.
Not a bad social calendar for a non religious shiksa such as I.

Went to the doctor this am and found out that I have lost 5 pounds, my blood pressure is great and that I am in really good health overall. She wants to refer me to another doctor regarding something she noticed just to be on the safe side but informed me that it is probably nothing except for the body settling into some aging. Great.

But with my new thought processes, I am not accepting any news as bad. Just challenging. Like a puzzle that needs to be solved.

There is no NO in my world. Just another way to say YES.
Wow, that either sounded really spiritual or very car salesman-like.

I will go towards the spiritual thank you very much as I am not in the habit of talking car salesman.

I used to work at a car dealership when I was in college. I worked there on the weekends. Then when I graduated, I was started to work there more often and then before I knew it, it was my job. I never adopted the lingo. I did get into a relationship with one of the men who I thought I loved.
After we split up, I needed to leave to patch my sad, sore heart.

I was headed down the road of thinking people were all kind of crappy and that men were ALL the same. Those guys...some of them were funny. Some of them were really well educated but did this to make quick money. Some of them were nice. But most of them were exactly what you think of when you think of car salesmen. One guy was even a felon from America's Most Wanted. Well, that was the rumor anyway. Who knows what you can believe in the Bullpen.

It was the best thing I ever did. Leaving that place.

Ended up working for a newspaper.

So, I hope I never sound car salesman-like.
I didn't then. I don't want to now.

Well, that was a weird acid tripped, side step digression from what I was talking about.

Whatever. It is all good. Tonight I am going to get my Festival of Light grub on.
I will eat a geld for you.

Posted by Kirsten at 12:55 PM | Comments (0)

December 13, 2004


Astrologyzone website mentioned that my life would go into warp speed on the new moon which was the 12th. I wasn't even paying attention and I haven't felt the warp speed yet, but I DO feel that everything is the way it should be.

I am a depressive type. I always have been. But when things are good, I also am very appreciative. I have high highs and low lows.
But what I have been noticing is a division of people around me. There is one side that has good and bad thrown in the mix and they can assess it accordingly. Then there is the other group that no matter how much good comes their way, they are complainers. Worry warts. Pains in my ass if I have to deal with them.

Mads and her sis Jazzy and actually their entire family of artists have a special magic. I call it their C-Karma. They have it. They always get parking spots. They always win contests. They are a flexible, patient lot and always have a pretty optimistic outlook on things.

I love that about them. Envious? Yes, a little bit. Because I was mired in self pity and vicitmization, I never could get past where I was to realize that I too could tap into C-Karma.
For the past couple of months, things have been riding a nice mellow upgrade. A nice swell of positivity. And that started with me taking responsibility for my own choices in all my problems.
Since then, life has felt easier.

Friday, I was off to Mads's to meet Zapato and Jazzy. We were going to figure out what the evening held. Mads lives in Evren's old place and the neighborhood is great except for the parking. Everytime I am there, it sucks to find a spot. Mads said once to me that she never had problems finding parking.
I looked at her like she was sniffing glue or something.
Truth is that it isn't hard for her to find parking. Because of her C-Karma.

So Friday night, after I had lapped the neighborhood obligatorily several times, (which would have brought the former negative me swearing and shifting my energy to pissed), I decided to think about what Mads and Jazzy would do.

I thought and thought about how a spot would open up right in front of her building. I didn't hope it would...I knew it would. I wasn't concerned how. It just would. And not a second after I thought that...someone left right in front of her building.
I was so excited. But I didn't question it or wonder if it was my thinking or coincidence. I just enjoyed it. I told the others about it. I was glowing.

We ended up going to dinner and a movie ("Sideways" - the ulitmate movie about whimpsters passed their primes...boys, pay attention to the movie if you don't want to end up like them...).
It was unusual to be at the Grove on a Friday night, going to the movies and the BBQ place there.
Someone said, "this is what most people do on a Friday night".
We looked at it like it was a novelty. Normally, we are hanging at bars, or a party or going to see live music on a friday eve. This was pretty mellow and kind of suburbian in a way I left behind me in Oregon. But I liked it. It was fun.

The next day, I saw the Lemony Snicket screening at Universal with Claire.
I enjoyed it. It felt very familiar and then I realized that the costume design and the art design were the same people that Tim Burton works with on his films.
Plus, I love Jim Carey. The story was a little vague, the film a little long and the ending a little sccoby doo ish ("I would have succeeded if it hadn't been for you kids" kind of thing all wrapped up nicely, pretty quickly) even if the ending leaves it open for a sequel. But I loved it. It was visually beautiful.

I shopped the rest of the day. Got a pedicure. Bought more christmas presents. Ran errands. And the whole day was more of the C-Karma.
I had made out like a bandit on several sales and good deals. I went to Mads's to show her my goodies. She was meeting Ennui to go to Phoenix with Jazzy.
I had to bow out. I was too tired from all my escapades.

Sunday, I drove around doing more errands. And I have to say, when I don't have to be anywhere at a particular time and there is good music in my car, I have all the patience in the world. And that patience led to good enery coming right back at me.

I came home and got ready for our night of gift exchanges. Then on to Jones for some pizza. I got some great gifts from the girls. Zapato gave me wonderful make up that I am wearing today (I told her I would return it because one of the eyeshadows was a little cracked, but I couldn't keep my makeup hungry paws from using it. I love it).
I got a beautiful necklace from Jazzy that I was wearing last night.
And chocolate. Ohhhhhhh. Yummmmmm

I got home around 2am. I am exhausted today. But I have to say that as I look around me and see all the Christmas festivities, I am feeling very blessed and feeling goodwill towards my fellow peeps. The more goodness I feel, the better things happen towards me. I know I know...obvious, but guess what? When you actually give in to the notion that it works, it really does.
I think my fave gift this season was the C-Karma, because it continues to give to me and to others.
Now everyone together, "Awwwwwwww".

Posted by Kirsten at 06:08 PM | Comments (0)

December 10, 2004

Forecast - Sunny

The sun came out today. And not just the sun...but the heat.
I am very happy that I was listening to the weather report as I was getting dressed. Gone went the boots and the scarf. Out came the sandals and tank top. It felt weird to be so summery after such a cold spell.
That's LA, I guess.

It has been a mellow week. I am so happy that I am back to working out.
Dance class rocked the house. I am working on my posture as well as my steps when I look at myself in the mirror. The music was really cool and I was actually laughing and smiling and not just making the "o" mouth and scrunched brow I make when I am concentrating.
The Y feels very lonely at the moment. I haven't been there in awhile since I have been going to the other local gym, but I still love the Y.
It seems very empty lately. Not that you would be able to tell by the parking sitch or in the locker rooms, but nonetheless I feel a little less activity. Must be the holidays.

Seeing a Lemony Snicket screening tomorrow morning. that should be good.
Am also going to finish my christmas shopping.
Nukkah gets a new cat carrier - one that she actually fits in.
She is so big. It is embarrassing when people see her because she is tall and has a big belly and a LOT of fur. She looks like a dog almost.

Even though the Phoenix show is sold out at the Troubadour tomorrow night, I am still going to try and get a ticket so I can join the girls. Jazzy is so excited about the show.

Tonight is mellow. We are just going to see what catches our fancy. I haven't been out all week. That feels so weird. And also refreshing.

Rere just walked back and told me that it is still warm outside.
Then boy boss said he will put the top down on the convertible tonight. Boy boss and I are getting along really well. I came in this morning with a very scattered brain and he was good natured about it. He even made me laugh with some of his jokes. That shocked me. Then his ex called from Germany and it threw him into a scattered state for the rest of the afternoon. They are both still in love with each other but the ex's career came first. Maybe he got scared that he was falling fast and hard for boy boss. It would almost seem tragic and bittersweet if we weren't talking about boy boss.

Spoke to my sister this morning and talked to my nephew who likes to pretend he is a kitten from the Aristocats. He normally hates to talk on the phone, but he obliged me when I requested to talk to him as a kitten. I asked him if he growls and purrs. That question or the way I asked it made him laugh.
That kind of made my morning.
My nephew and neice are 4 1/2 and 2 1/2 and are fiercely independent. They love me in person but do not like the phone so much. But in addition to talking to my nephew/cat, I did sing The Perfect Nanny from Mary Poppins to my neice and she was smiling (my sister told me). I love those two. I just wish they were a tad more willing on the phone. But you can't have everything. It makes me appreciate the moments when they do talk.

Mads and I had another great conversation last night.
Things are changing for the both of us. Actually for all my friends. But for Mads and me, I feel that we are both heading straight where we need to be.
It is nice not to be in love or pining for a boy at the moment. I love men. I really do. But I allow myself too many emotional distractions with them at least romantically. It is nice to know that I can be friends with guys like I am doing. It is strange new territory for me to allow that kind of intimacy without the romantic or sexual expectation behind it.
I realize how far I have come. When I was just starting my acting career, I was dating a veterinarian. I just loved to hang out with him in front of his fireplace on the rainy portland weekends. When I started having auditions, I remember actually debating whether to blow it off or hang with him. Thank god I ended up going to the auditions. After he and I broke up, my career kind of blossomed. I was busy. And was more focused in my career when I started dating again.

That seems like light years ago. And when I think how much stronger I have become since then, since moving to LA, since the first break up, since the last break up, since last year, since last week....I have to take a moment. I am lucky and really grateful for what is in my life right now.
Taking in all the bad and all the good, how far I have come and how far I have yet to go is all very crucial.
It is also imperative to me that I am present with where I am now and what I have.

The sun came out today. That may be the weather in LA, or it may be that the weather in my life is starting to have a different forecast.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:42 PM | Comments (0)

December 09, 2004

The pip

Things feel ready for the change I have been preparing for.
It is like I am nearing the top of the roller coaster, right as it is about to go down for a large, speedy, fun drop.
In my family, we called that the "pip". The pip is when your stomach drops when you go down a hill or a roller coaster. Ahhh, I love the pip.

This day has gone by like lightning. I mean so far.
Not much to report. No drama. Just cruising the top of that coaster with a slight momentum.

Things are going swimmingly actually.

Going to a pilot filming tonight with Andy Kindler. Not with him. I mean, he is in it. A friend of mine invited me. She works for the show, I guess. I am not sure. I think it will be fun. Nope, I am positive it will be fun.

Last night as I was on the way to the gym, I was walking down my street and my thoughts were spiraling into negativity.
"I hate this walk."
"I hate the way the gym smells like fruity perfume."
"I hate beginning the work out."
"I hate the 'bomp bomp' pounding of the music"

Then I stopped myself. I would never enjoy the workout if I continued talking like that.
So, I changed it around to say that I LOVED this gym and loved the work out and loved the way I feel and this walk to the gym was a great way to warm up, etc etc, blah blah blah.

It worked.

Had a good work out.

Went to bed early.

Clink clink clink...the roller coaster edges closer to the top

Spoke to mom, dad and karin today.
Mom and I talked about Top Model, Dad and I talked about the kitty and doggie breath mints (yip yaps and pitter pats) that the animals go CRAZY for, and Karin called to tell me she got the package.

I was in the best mood this morning when 103.1 played the Killers "Change your mind" and then played James "Laid". OMG. It really energized me. I was dancing in my car and just looking at the clear air. It has been so overcast and this morning was just beautiful. I could see the mountains. If they had played Bad Religion's "Los Angeles is Burning" right after that, I would have probably screamed and honked the horn out of happiness.

This week is going fast. Maybe because I was home sick earlier this week. That was okay I guess. I just slept the entire day away.

My old friend from childhood responded to my email. That was unexpected. She wants to get together even before the holidays. Gulp. I think I will still shoot for after the holidays. Who knew I was so skittish?

Today is going well.
I passed on the cheesecake for dessert.
Boy boss is being pretty cool today. He is playing music by Bread and David Gates and it is bringing me back to my childhood.

All is good except for the outfit I am wearing. Somehow, today, everything feels out of wack (or is it whack?). My bra feels wrong with the top. The boots seem to be too warm. The top feels too short. My jacket feels tight in the wrong places and too loose where it should be tighter.
I dunno, maybe it is me.

But see? Other than that...nothing really to report. Just the slight calm before the storm. The slight incline before and effortless free fall.

Mads and I had a great, long conversation last night. She is such an amazing person. I hope you all get the chance to know her or someone like her some day.
She has done so much work for others and she has so much talent that I am hoping that she gets a break and soon.

Today I had my first coffee in 3 days. I was craving it. I wasn't really trying to give it up. I was trying to knock the little cold I was feeling. But damned if I gave in just after the caffeine headaches of withdrawal stopped.

Mon dieu.

Anyway, because of the coffee, I am antsy for the pip.
Steeling my nerves against the fall, preparing my mind to let go of control.
It is getting closer. With every positive thought, or creative endeavor, with every breath, with every moment that passes, it gets closer. Track by track.
I feel it and I love it. A smile comes across my face. The control has already been seen leaving the building.

The pip is taking over.

Posted by Kirsten at 02:35 PM | Comments (0)

December 06, 2004

So Not A Manic Monday

I don't usually have a day like today.
Today felt like a lost day.
I woke up feeling displaced and have continued it. Not bad. Not good. Just "eh"
I found several people from my past and tried to email them.
One is a friend that I have known since I was 5 years old. A couple of years ago, I broke off the friendship since we had totally grown apart. She has recently been in touch with my mom and my sister. She has a boyfriend now and seems happy. Which is good for me because part of what I couldn't take from her is her expectation that I am her party train or her entertainment point person. Now that she is otherwise entertained, it might not be so bad.
Her birthday was yesterday.
I told my mom last night that I am still not ready to be in contact with her.
But today, I must have felt differently since I emailed her a happy birthday email. I suggested that after the holidays, we meet for coffee.
Truth is that I have known her for so long and our families are sort of intertwined and I like knowing about her family. I had no idea that her sister got divorced so quickly after the wedding. All that kind of stuff.
I also contacted a guy that I used to know from day camp counseling.
He is a singer now. Reverend Vince Anderson. He was a sincere, mature teenager who was a god with the pop culture trivia. I always thought he would be a cool adult.
We will see if he writes back.

Sat night, after the evening had ended for most, Mads and I ended up at the Coach and Horses (I think that is the name). Met an actor and a director and some other guy. The other guy and the actor were smitten as kittens with Mads and were almost cock fighting eachother for her. The director was into me. But he was a whimpster about making a move. Fine by me actually since I wasn't into him. I could have had a good time hanging out with him. He thought I was smart and funny but also tried to peg me as insecure. I have met so many guys like that. I used to believe that they "knew" me when they would say shit like that. It gives them a god complex.
I blew it off and had his number. He was an angry man but a charming one when he wasn't being an asshole. That used to my type totally. Now, I was like, hmmm, that wild card anger doesn't work for me anymore.
We closed the joint and as we were all milling outside, some guy who I guess had been watching us, yelled out, "Don't sleep with him whatever you do."
I turned around and gave him a look of "I wasn't gonna but thanks"
Standing outside under the awning because of the rain, the actor persuaded Mads to give him her number. Nice guy but definitely not Mads's type. So as I stood there, I waited for Director to ask for my number. He didn't. Reminded me eerily of last year at Tom Bergins when the guy I was talking to was really interested in me but just hemmed and hawed when it came time to leave. The old me would always have given my number if I was interested. I was the huntress and didn't believe in wasting time. If I wanted a man, I was damn sure to go after it. But I am changed woman. I need someone to show me they are interested. It isn't enough to persuade someone to come out with me or persuade my life long friend to come party with me. I am not persuading anyone any more. The offer is usually open. Come along if you want. But I am not going to convince anyone that hanging out with me is a good idea. You either get it or you don't.

In the end, Director didn't have a pen, or a card to give me. He was relying on Mads's admirer (who did get her number) to somehow get my number. He is like, "It will all work out. He'll get your number through her"
"You are the laziest SOB who is trying to hook up that I have ever met" I said with my squinted, Teri Garr look that I have and that reminds me of my grandma somehow.
"We will see each other again." he said cocky
"You just blew it" Mads said to him. Through his drunken haze, I don't think he thought so.
"We just invited you back for cocktails" he said like that was an indication he liked me.
We declined the offer to have a makeout session back at their house amidst cocktails. aint dead. What an offer. I guess if we had been remotely interested, it would have felt like one, but at this point, I was like, "ick" and Mads was really over the whole thing.
Then the rain poured and Mads and I were like, "Um, okay, Bye"
and dashed to the car.

Yesterday was a rainy day. But I went to Christy's for a clothing exchange (where I got the snazzy poncho I am currently wearing) and where I picked up several items that Claire would fit.
Afterwards, I ended up at Claire's. We went to lunch and coffee.

It was nice.
But by the time I got home, I realized that the weekend was almost over. I went to the laundrymat and read the LA weekly from cover to cover. I made eye contact with everyone. I smiled at the cute boys and they smiled back.

But despite the good vibes from all the peeps, Sundayitus was upon me. It gripped me like it used to when I was in school and I had a paper due the next day.

Hmmm, I wonder why.
But maybe that is why I feel displaced today. It is not depression. But it may be fatigue. The weather is driving me indoors. the dark drives me to warmth and my emotions drive me to blog. That ain't bad as far as I can tell.

I feel a little better. Maybe it is getting it out into words, or maybe because my heater is warming my footsies, or maybe because it is almost time to go home. Yippee

Posted by Kirsten at 05:07 PM | Comments (0)

December 03, 2004

No pampering for the sensitive flower

What a day what a day!

I am so glad it is almost the weekend. I am looking a little worn.
Work has been slamming me. Files, files, files. I hope I don't have nightmares about legal files.

My mom's Christmas gift was causing me a bit of a headache as well.

I wanted to get her a sort of pampering gift but the last time I gave her a certificate for a massage, she loved it at first but then got a headache. Her body doesn't know how to relax, so it goes into cramp up mode. She will always say, "I am just a sensitive flower". Yeah right. A sensitive flower that is stubborn, complaining and opinionated about gifts that are supposed to help her.
But at last, with no help from overseas sister, "Um, I don't know...whatever" was her response to "what should we get mom?"
So I got her a shampoo, head massage and a set (so old lady sounding which my mom really isn't - but she hates that they always try and make her hair straight, so hopefully this will curb all doubt for her).
I also ordered a hand massage. Not a manicure. But a hand massage.
The women were very helpful. I am sure I may have heard dread in their voices at the prospect of this lady coming into their portland oregon salon with a certificate from her la daughter. They were nice enough though. I hope it all works out.
I called my mom and mentioned it to her just in case she was like disgusted with the idea.
But she loved it and is now looking forward to it. Yippppeeeeee!

Well, the clock is turning towards "GO HOME TIME!"
I am off to work out and then drinks with some friends at the Chateau.

I am so glad it is the weekend. So glad so glad so glad.

I am almost tempted to watch the Jeff Goldblum hit, "Thank God it's Friday". ALMOST is the key word. Life is too short to screw up my weekend like that.

Okay, until later my friends.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:58 PM | Comments (0)

December 02, 2004

Spidey Senses in Mercury Retrograde

It is like I am able to do my job efficiently. But that is it.
I am unable to function properly outside of those limited perameters.
Work is frying me. I thought the time was 5:37, but alas, it was only 3:57. Great, now I gotta fu&*ing worry about dyslexia.
Like I didn't have enough to think about.

Carrie and I had an email exchange that went like this:

-----Original Message-----
From: Carrie
Sent: Thursday, December 02, 2004 4:09 PM
To: Mermaid
Subject: today

have I even spoken to anyone today?

I feel like a robot.

From: Mermaid
Sent: same day (minutes later)
To: Carrie

pour water on yourself. If you short are a robot. if you get wet and don't short circuit, you are just crazy for listening to me but are human. My brain is malfunctioning. Mercury retrograde and all. Don't anyone drop me in the wild. My spidey senses are askew and would never save my sorry ass.

My dad is in NY and I am jealous like a mofo. I would love to be there.

In keeping with the dating convention that my friends and I have been participating in, both Marci and Mads had dates.
Marci's turned weird before she even saw him. She ended up going to the place anyway because she had been looking forward to going there and ended up meeting another guy who made her night fantastic.
She came in and said, "I had a great night...with a different guy than I intended". Get on with your dating self girl.

Mads on the other hand had a typical date of yours truly.
Her guy wasn't a blind date but nonetheless, she had just met him over the weekend at a drinking spot (or bar...whatever...tomato tomato - you know what I mean...)
She called me at 11:30 last night. Not good.
he was nutty.
I wish I could tell you all the things that were making me laugh.
He had coupons he called "Hook ups" for restaurants all over town. He pulled out the envelope of hook ups in the car while Mads drove (something about his car overheating - couldn't use his car - probably was waiting for a coupon to a mechanic).
Now I understand people want to date and people also don't have a lot of money. All understandable. What I don't understand is the need to be sooooo open and casual about things on a first date. What ever happened to putting your best self forward to make a good first impression? Whatever. I don't get it. Did he have to keep an open envelope of coupons there like it was a bragging thing or a charming thing?
So, he kept questioning her about why she was hard to read. He was holding her hand, stroking her hair, calling her sweetie and wanting her to eat from his fork.
I admit, if you are into the guy, all these things can be charming and cute when reciprocal. But when you are just meeting someone and are unsure how you feel, it is just all wrong. It sounds like he monologued her to boredom and then wondered why she was untalkative.
He took her to dinner and when it came time for dessert, he said, "Let's get this cheesecake to go" with what I am sure was a wink for some som'in som'in.
I am not sure how she didn't laugh.
He compared her to other girls he has dated. He mentioned how the night they met, he wished she would have come back to the house with him instead of the girls that actually did. In fact, one of the girls, a wild looking tatooed girl wasn't into the cocaine lines like he thought she would be. That disappointed him.

And of course, my theory that when you are on a bad date, you are being noticed by hot, interesting fellers, rang true.
While he went to notice why something wasn't open, she was approached by someone cooler than her date. Her date, seeing the competition, walked up and held her hand, announcing that they were on their first date. Knowing Mads, I can only imagine she wanted to shrink into a ball and roll away.

When she dropped him off, she passed on going in with him to eat the cheesecake and see his video tape of himself on Blind Date. Who wouldn't want to see that? your date, on another date? Televised no less?
Like I have said before...I don't understand the reason so many of my cool friends are single. They are beautiful and hot and interesting.
There is no DOUBT why these guys are single.
I was like, "Mads, are you collecting comic material too?"
We laughed.
And on my own note, earlier that night, I actually was having a nice flirt with the guy in front of me in line at the market. He was cute and friendly. I was like, oh my, this is something real and nice and fun. A real LA...just for a moment. Exactly what I love. Exactly what really doesn't happen that often. Especially with me since I am so on guard.
I was smiling and flirting back...
Until his eyes turned sort of creepy and he repeated his last sentence but with more texture and a bit of a stare. He seemed to let thta grin linger into a snarl. I wondered if maybe he was a little slow.

Figures. I just can't get it right. But I ain't looking at the moment so it doesn't matter. The homeless guy outside of the market however made me smile. Still in my open mood (despite cute guy turned not so cute guy), I said hi. He said,"Well, darling, have a great night."
I said, "How is your night going?"
He said, "Better than yesterday and Hopefully not as good as tomorrow"
I laughed.
"You just made my night" I said getting in my car, "Happy Holidays"
"You too, darlin'"

I drove away and thought, what a world. Now if only my spidey senses would come back, I could be much more productive.

Posted by Kirsten at 04:56 PM | Comments (1)

December 01, 2004

Isn't it Friday yet?

Last night, I went out with Zapato, Mads and Jazzy to El Coyote.
It was so nipping cold but somehow the host convinced us that outside would be warm.
And after a series of: "Really!?" "Really truly?", we went.
Jazzy and I got there first and snatched the closest spots to the heat lamps. Mads and Zapato came a few minutes later.
As did Elijah Wood who sat at the next table from us.
He seemed really nice to his friends. Not like a diva or anything like you see with some stars.
At first I thought, that guy looks so mod with his haircut and outfit and then I leaned in and oh so slyly loudly whispered, "You guys, that there is elijah wood. Look"
Zapato had already seen him getting out of his car.
Apparently, she had the same reaction I had.
She saw his haircut and outfit and was like, cute mod guy in his cute car...
Both Mads and Jazzy had seen him right before I had.
We are all pretty used to seeing stars but it never gets old for me. The only time it gets old is when you work for them on a personal level. I hate that. Then they become just an annoying, demanding person that you are convinced is really the dumbest person on earth.
So I won't work in a personal capacity for them anymore. But seeing them out and about with their friends, well, for me it is always a treat.

So we started to warm up with the margaritas in our bellies.
It was fun. We used to go out like that all the time. But we have all been busy of late, so it was nice to catch up.
The only one missing was Ennui who was playing poker and she had a cold.

I fell asleep again on the couch. Which is weird because I even dreamed that I went to bed. When I woke up on the couch, I thought THAT was the dream. Except when I hit my foot against the coffee table trying to avoid stepping on nukkah, I realized it was real. Ouch.

My dad leaves for NY tomorrow with Rondie. She will show him Brooklyn where she grew up. He has only been there once and it was at least 35 years ago and he and my mom had just returned from Europe with me and they were waiting for the VW they had bought. The port workers were on strike so nothing could come into the docks. They had to wait for 3 weeks in NY with no money (they had just been tooling around europe with baby me for 3 months or something like that) and no place to stay.
My mom and dad's memory of NY is not a good one.
I think this trip will change that for my dad.
I want to go to NY in winter and skate in Rockafellar (sp?) Center.

I am having a little attitude with the boss today. He is getting on my last nerve and I think I am on his too.
He just got back from vacation and is acting so put out with his work load without acknowledging all the work I did the week he was gone.
He is fishing for compliments from me at how good he is at his job and then slamming me with more work. Ugh. So annoying.
He loves to try and put me in panic mode.
Yesterday when I was winding down my day, he was telling me how busy it was going to be today.
You may be thinking that is nice of him to give me a heads up.
Except that it was more like, "You better start to panic because tomorrow is going to be hell"
I find when he acts like that, I just ignore him.
I have always hated when people ignored me. I didn't know how they could outright ignore you.
But I tell you, now that I do it to him when he is acting all "GET NERVOUS-y" with me, I just shut him out and it stops him.
I wouldn't normally do it because I still think it is rude. But I feel such power in not getting riled up because he wants me to.
"Just because the jackass brays doesn't mean you have to answer him" is becoming my mantra with him.
Feel that?
It is me continuing to grow.

Mads gave me a sample of my fave jo malone perfume. I dabbed it on my wrist an hour ago. It brings me calm. Thanks Mads.
I smell good. And calm.
Oh, boss is at it again. Better go ignore him again.

Posted by Kirsten at 04:58 PM | Comments (0)