June 16, 2008

Everytime you crash

The slide happens ever so slightly.
One minute you are feeling pretty good, and then before you know it, Crash...you are in something that resembles the way someone once described depression.
And even when you say the words, "I think I am depressed", you feel like you are faking it because a depressed person wouldn't really feel so jaunty saying it like you do. But it does sort of describe you. And you wonder when it happened. Wasn't it just yesterday you were on top of the world. Or at least just pretty happy to be there.

Maybe it isn't depression. Maybe it is loneliness. It's weird to say loneliness when you are always surrounded by people. Some are even people who love you. Some are people you can count on.

You smile and walk through your life. But you can't fake it. And people kind of notice but they aren't sure what really is wrong.

You talk to your best friend on the phone and she gives you good advice.
You talk to your therapist and try and explain yourself.

But this still feels like you are going through the motions.
You look in the mirror and stare at a stranger.
Feeling better seems so far away.
When did your life become a Zimbalta commercial?

And then just by talking to your neighbor in a very candid way about how you feel, you notice your mood lift.

Then you drive out to your friend's house out in the high desert and enjoy a night of drinking and carbs and WII Bowling. You play with an 8 month old little girl who seems to reserve a smile for you and you alone.

Then Sunday, you hang out with friends in a cemetery to watch a movie called "Rockers" which is really about Reggae music...you think. You aren't really sure because you actually weren't watching the movie. You were just partaking of the beautiful Sunday night picnic and how your belly is warm from wine and yummy chicken wraps. You lie down and stare at the moon and realize you aren't lonely. You realize that you are present in the moment and the moment starts to feel kind of nice.

You hear good dating stories from your friends and you aren't jealous. You are truly happy. Your sister tells how her husband (who is a fabulous father and husband although not very romantic) got down on one knee and thanked my sister for the last 10 years on their anniversary while giving her a ring while they were crossing a bridge in a very quaint European city.
This makes you happy. Gives you hope.

And you talk to your friend on a blanket amidst a birthday party
about how you both have so much in common. And how it is fun to know someone and still continue to learn new things about them and get excited about knowing them all over again.

And you start to see how perfect moments in life can be and how connections matter.

And you suddenly feel better.
And for what seems like days, you smile...and you mean it.

Posted by Kirsten at 01:50 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 06, 2008

Writer's Block Can Be Such a Pain in the Ass

As I embark on the 2nd to last week of my no carb 6 week diet, I am dealing with a lot of stress at work. The only good thing is that no one is exempt. The only bad thing is that no one is exempt. It's like we are all playing a game of who has it worse...and even if you win, you lose.

So add to that, I have writer's block and was slated to perform in Pinata last night in what was a pretty awesome line up.

My nerves were going to get the better of me and I felt like I might get another bout of shingles (I know...how can someone so young get shingles? I am just lucky I guess...I have had them twice).

Wed night, I finally found the ending to my story.
And Thursday night I tried that breathing thing everyone is talking about to try and relax for the show.

I had already done some hypnosis with my therapist. So I was kind of feeling groovy when I got to Bang.

I was happy with my piece even though I could feel my nerves just wanting to make my voice crack during my reading. But I contained it.

The other performers were strong and it was a very good night of stories. I laughed a lot which is what I needed.

Once I was finished with my reading, I got off the stage and headed to the audience. Gamby and Zappy had come in during my piece and were seated at the back. I sat down next to them. Uncharacteristically, Zappy started quietly talking in response to the performances like she was talking to a TV: "No way", "Well of course that is what you felt" and "MMMMhmmmm". Gamby kept jabbing her with her arm to shut her up. I pretended she wasn't seated next to me and that I didn't know her. At one point, in response to something the guy on stage said, she gasped, "NO!!!!" and was the only voice in the theater. She quickly covers her mouth and looks at Gamby and then looks at me, back at Gamby and then at me. Mads who was seated towards the front admitted that she even heard that utterance. I wondered if Zappy was drunk.

She was.

Then after the show, Mads, Jazzy, Gamby and Zappy and I headed to the Kibbitz Room. There was a birthday happening. Mads watched the Dodger game from our booth and was really having problems with them not doing well. Then the guys from the birthday party blocked our view. They started cheering for the Cubs. I yelled, "Are you Cubs fans?"
"Yeah" one guy turned around and proudly yelled back.
I was about to say, "The NY Cubs suck" but caught myself.
Gamby is from Chi-town and gave me a look like, I couldn't sit here anymore with you if you yelled that out loud.

Our waiter Danny was awesome...possibly drunk, maybe stoned, but awesome.

It was a pretty great way to end such a stressful day.

And today, I could use some hair of the dog but I settled for a latte and advil.

After hearing such solid funny stories last night, I feel like my writer's block may be a little less blocky.

And after next week, I can eat carbs again so ...my life is headed back on the upswing.


Posted by Kirsten at 08:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack