February 28, 2005

Option A

Okay, I know I always say one of two things:
a)I am in such a great place and very lucky to be where I am


b) I am in such a bad place and nothing works out no matter what I try...

Oy...the dramatics of being me and/or knowing me. I am trying to learn a balance so that a and b aren't so segregted but rather...layers of the whole picture.

But brace yourself, because until then, I am feeling one of those options.

I had a WONDERFUL weekend.

I am still being present and grateful. I had no expectations for the weekend other than to be both of those.

And it was wonderful.

I AM very lucky to have the people in my life that I do.

I received a ton of calls and emails from people from all over the country and the world.

Mads and Jazzy are two of the most amazing friends you could ever have.

Saturday started with me eating my cupcake. 2 words. YUMMMM-MYYYYYYY!

Mads and I went to Swingers for breakfast and you know what is weird?
When I couldn't have any toast or carbs, it was all I thought about.
But the truth is that I didn't really need them.
All I had for breakfast this weekend that was different was toast.
Funny the difference between thinking you don't have a choice and knowing you do. My mind...it messes with me something awful.

Great breakfast. Then on to facials. Wonderful.
Then on to shopping. Again, wonderful.
My gift certificates were quite beneficial since I got some really nice things that I wouldn't have otherwise purchased.
Mads is my amazing stylist.

Then on to the party.

All in all there were 24 people. Jazzy said, "I counted how many people were there because I knew you would ask me later." Which I did.

It was a fun group. Our waitress was really nice and helpful and did a great job. Many people couldn't stay the whole night but came by to wish me well. I was just a happy camper.
My cake was a chocolate chip cookie cake from Mrs. Fields since the gals knew that I had missing choco chip cookies on this plan.
Chatted with some guys. One was very annoying.

Annoying Guy: "You look like the kind of girl who would say yes to me if I asked you to marry me to stay in the country."

Me: "Looks can be deceiving"

At the end of the night, when the lights had come on and the place was closing, there was that mad dash for people to find a mate to take home (like musical chairs in dating. Mads said, "Someone is trying to get your attention." There was a Annoying Guy again. I guess he hadn't found anyone to marry him.

Him: "You left me and never came back"
Me: "You went to smoke and never came back"
Him: "But when I came back in, you were gone"
Me: "Yeah. Potato Potahto. It happens"
Him: "Go to my website and listen to my music. I am a very good musician"
Me: "Is there email on your website?"
Him: "No. Should I give you my email?"
Me: "Actually...no. Bye"
And I made him kiss me on the cheek before I dashed to join my friends.
I felt no need to be part of the mad dash of horniness.

Jeremy walked us all to our cars. We all walked Claire home (she was able to stop by later in the evening and drink at least one drink with me).

Claire: "You don't need to walk me. I do this all the time"
Jeremy: "Doesn't mean it is a good idea. I could paint my body red and run in front of a bull all the time. Still doesn't mean it is a good idea".
Jeremy was funny. Amazing Christopher Walken impression.
My Sean Connery was impressive too (at least to me - HA).

It was the perfect birthday.

Got home at 2:30am and fell to sleep.
Woke up with a slight hangover and a raspier voice than usual.
Still have it. I sound very much like a smoker at the moment.

Did laundry in the morning and loved loved loved the way the air smelled.
The weather was stunning. It was a beautiful morning.
Ran some more errands.
Then went to Spencer's housewarming party (which became an Oscar party).
Great place and nice people and yummy food. But you would all be proud of me...I didn't eat any chocolate or cupcakes. I stuck to the cheese and had only a little wine. I may have actually adopted new habits. Yipppeee.

Then we went to our favorite Vietnamese place that I hadn't gone to since the night before my diet. I friggin love that place.
Ennui, her man, L, Mads and I had a good time devouring the egg rolls and chatting about the night before.

I was supposed to go see my friend Sarge's band play at the Viper room at 11pm.
I was gathering my strength to stay awake since I hadn't really gotten a lot of sleep. Then I got a vm that the time changed to midnight.
I took a long bath and got ready.
So just as I was heading out the door, looking fabulous (hair and make up were just working well), the call came that the show had been canceled.
Bummer since it is a fun AC/DC cover band called LA/DC and it would have been fun.
I took it as a sign that the universe wanted me to get some rest.
Probably not a bad idea.
I changed into jammies and fell asleep watching my tape of the Oscars (which by the way...Adam Duritz...I love you man...always have...but what was UP with your hair? Come on!)

I am liking this new me.
The new me is really a pleasure to be around.
I am inviting her to stay awhile.
Cuz (and I know I have said this a MILLION times before, but...) I think things are starting to look bright. I feel like I am in a great place and that I am very lucky to be where I am.
I think that option A is starting to feel a lot more consistent. Until I can blend a more balanced version of A and B...I will always opt for A.
Happy day.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:53 AM | Comments (0)

February 25, 2005

Look at What's Happened to Me

I can't believe it myself....suddenly I'm up on top of the world
Could have been somebody else


Tension abounds at work.
Everyone I know had that feeling today that it was going to be a bad day for them...and it was.
More than one wanted to call in sick and wished they had.
It is now overcast.

But guess what?

None of that phased me.

Today was glorious for me. It still is.

Not only is it the day before my birthday (can I get a woo hoo?)
But it is also my last day of the 6 week challenge (aka NoCarb/NoSugar Hell)

I have had so many ups and downs regarding the whole thing. Both things actually.
And now it is the end. The end of a trial of discipline and a trial of coming to terms with the downhill slide towards 40.

I also realize many things.

I have to have faith and give up lots o' ego. Leggo my ego. Okay, I am trying

It ain't about the food and it ain't about the aging.

It is about peace within myself and god if I haven't tried to get there.

I must say, since Tuesday, I have been more present in the day to day than I think I have EVER been.

I am not thinking about what I am not getting, who is not coming to celebrate with me, what opportunities my life is not offering. Nope.

I am really grounded and present at the moment. Focused on the positives (you gotta accentuate them - so goes the song - doo doo dooo)

Grateful sighs keep coming from my mouth as I think about all the amazing people around me. I realize I am lucky to have known and currently know the folks that are in my midst and have since left my life.

I feel the love. I am the love.
I can't believe I really just said that.
Moving on....

Nothing much has ACTUALLY changed in my life.

But I feel like a completely new person.

I think 36 might actually be the best year EVER! I mean, don't quote me on that (unless it is, in which case... quote away).


Tomorrow, I am planning a glorious day of hedonistic pleasures.
Starting with a breakfast at Swingers, then a facial, then some shopping to fit my new figure, then getting ready to greet some nee'r-do-wells for drinks and dinner.

Now if you excuse me, I must prep for my birthday.
And if I accidentally kiss you or touch any of you inappropriately in the near future, I apologize in advance since, I am still getting used to this new me and there is no telling what kind of fun-trouble she can get into.

Posted by Kirsten at 04:46 PM | Comments (2)

February 22, 2005

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

Rain rain rain.
If I wanted to be near the rain this much, I would have stayed in Portland and eliminated the traffic rage that has become a huge wall of anger when I drive here in Los Angeles.

But then if I had stayed in Portland, I wouldn't have the life I have now.
Which for all my complaints and dramas and sadness...is still better than it could be.

I do love LA.
I don't love walking out my door to do my laundry and having a puddle up to my ankle. That was gross.

It rained the whole weekend. Except for moments of peeking sun that looked amazing.
Sat, I went to breakfast at Swingers with L, Mads and Bethany. Jazzy was there working so we got to see her.
Then we all went shopping. the rain pounded on Mads and me as we tried to cross the street to the Beverly Center. Mads's jeans were sopping near her feet.
The umbrella did so very little.

Sunday night, Reed made dinner for Ennui, Mads and me.
It was really fun. He even specially made me chicken cuz I don't much like pork and the menu was pork chops. He also had corn fritters and mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. I ate the chicken and the green beans and tried a taste of the corn fritters. I drank like a friggin alkie. I was passed out on the floor at one point. My head was dizzy and I was starting to get the spins (which I really do love - no one believes me - but I think they can be fun). That is the level where I was on new years when Actor approached me. that is the level when I am officially past drunk and headed to wasted. I finally crawled my way back to the table which honestly felt 100 feet away.
It was a fun night.

Then yesterday, Prezzie's day, I woke up late but surprisingly did not have a hangover.
I did, however, have a very big emotional day.
I saw a guide that told me a lot of info that will eventually help me but which isn't that tummy warmth you hope to get.

Then I saw a dog get hit by a car. The dog was able to get up but was running around in circles all disoriented through the intersection.
I was at a red light and saw the whole thing while I was on the phone with Mads. I think I was screaming at one point.
By the time my light turned green, the dog had taken off in some direction I couldn't see anymore.
I sobbed all the way home in the torrential rain for that poor dog and the dog's owner who may have had no idea where the dog was.
I prayed for the dog.

I had bad cramps.
I was sad and unhappy.
I took a nap before I went to get weighed.
I didn't want to work out. I felt like such poo.
But since I had an appointment, I figured I needed to just get my butt there.
I got on the scale assuming that the weight would be up due to my period.
But...I lost some more weight.
I have now lost a total of 11 pounds (apparently the first week when I lost 11 pounds was water loss). This is the real thing.
I have lost 2 inches almost everywhere else.
That news perked me up.
I decided to work out.
But I felt very drained as I did.
Still, I was glad I went.

I went home and made dinner, finished my laundry and went to bed so early.

This morning was glorious. I felt renewed.

My ego is in fine condition today.
I am not scared that I won't be happy in my life.
I am not scared that I won't lose this weight for good.
I am not scared that somehow, all the people in my life don't really love me.
I feel really mellow but really grounded.
I feel lucky, grateful and loved.
It is a nice way to usher out the last week of 35.
It seems that for so long, I was under a rain of malaise.
A rain of sadness.
Now this rain feels more cleansing.
It is a baptism maybe. Or perhaps just a dunk in the pool of Bliss.

Posted by Kirsten at 03:48 PM | Comments (0)

February 18, 2005

Sensitive to Faith

There are certain moments in life where things are perfect.
The world bends to your will. You have that high.
It hasn't happened that many times to me.
But when it does, I really appreciate it.

One was when I was 19 and I was with my friend Prall and my sis at Disneyland.
While in line for the Matterhorn, I saw a guy farther in front of me in line. He was with his friends and we kept looking at each other with every turn of the long line.
The moments when I have that kind of connection with someone, I behave out of character. I normally have a hard time keeping eye contact with someone, especially if I am flirting. Unless I really am totally enraptured. Which I was. And he was with me.

When we were done with the ride, I saw him and his group kind of waiting. Our groups passed and he and I looked at each other, but neither of us stopped.

I was kind of thinking how opportunities come and go but if they are meant to be, you know through the power of faith, then what will be will be.

An hour later, our groups passed again and this time, not alerting either of our groups, we both stopped and stood there facing each other as our groups continued walking. We smiled and talked for a long time.
That was a perfect moment.

Another time when the world synched up like that was

When I met ghost.

Another was when I performed last month.

Another was when I got a coveted voice spot edging out all the best voice talent (most of whom were my friends) in Portland.

And another was last night...

Mads and Jazzy were taking me for an early bday present.
"Keep the 17th open. Hope you aren't afraid of heights. Hope you have your passport. Bring $1's. Are you afraid of horses? Do you have a bullet proof vest. Look cute but wear comfortable shoes. Wear underwear. ETC" and the list continued.

I had no idea of what to expect.

I got to Mads's last night and those girls had take-out waiting there which was seriously the tastiest thai food I had eaten in a long time.

We ate and drank and laughed. Then, it was time to take me to my surprise.

We took the freeway. We exited downtown.
At the exit, we were in a long long long line of cars that were not moving.

I saw a building.."Is that the Olympic Auditorium?" I asked, recalling how I had seen it from the freeway but never up close.
"No" they both said, thinking that I knew where we were headed.
"Wow, look at that line of people" I said looking at the line winding around the corner and down the street.
"I am so glad we are not going there. I am so glad we don't have to be anywhere in one minute and wait in that long line...or I would cry just about now" Jazzy said.

Then I noticed the sign on the building. INTERPOL
OMG. They had gotten me tix to Interpol.

I was so excited. "Is that where we are going? Seriously?" I screamed.
"Yup", they both said smiling.

Blonde Redhead opened.

It was general admission but since we had been stuck in traffic, we were in the nosebleed section. Mads was like, "follow me". So we did.

We went back downstairs. Mads and Jazzy walk into one of the downstairs entrances that are manned by a person in a yellow jacket at every opening. I was right behind them not really sure what the plan was or that we were doing anything "wrong", but I got stopped by the lady in yellow. She said,"Your tickets are for upstairs"
I watched Mads and Jazzy disappear into the dark.
I realized what had happened. I had failed to be stealth in our plan (that I was too oblivious to notice until it was too late).
Mads came back out to get me.
"When the next crowd gather to go in, let's go past her in the shuffle."
So we tried.
I got past yellow jacket lady.
Mads got caught.
I went back to Mads because I didn't know where to look for Jazzy.
Mads was like, "You should have stayed in there"
"I wouldn't have been able to find Jazzy. I didn't know where you guys would be".
I think if concert going duplicity-style was Darwinism, I would be a disappearing species.
There are certain things I never get caught doing. I feel very lucky in those things.
But then there are certain things where I am a marked woman.
Last night was one of them.

So Mads and I are still in the corridor.
She leaves me to try the same door (maybe we would have better luck splitting up). She goes to the next yellow guy down and surprisingly to me, he lets her in.
I am still trying to get past the lady.
I try again at the next group.
Again, she grabs me.
It is also because I am a tall blonde. I don't go undetected.

I am wondering if I will ever be able to join them in there.

Jazzy finally comes out. We go to the guy Mads got in with. He won't let us in. Jazzy's pleading wears him down and he allows us to go in.
FINALLY we are in together!

At one point, Mads says, "let's go up a bit further where you can get a look at the band up close. You can even see their faces clearly."
Jazzy saves the seats and Mads and I go up where a crowd of people are gathering in the aisle towards the front.
I am dancing and enjoying myself.
Guess who is the only one who gets tapped on the shoulder by security to get back to my seat?
"Okay, you ARE too conspicuous" Mads says.

The show was AWESOME! I loved it. It was at the Olympic Auditorium. It was a cool venue. The drummer is amazing! As Jazzy said, "He is a machine". that man never stopped.

After the show, I was waiting for Jazzy and Mads who were in the bathroom. I was out in the corridor among a lot of people. But who gets yelled at by another lady in yellow to keep it moving since they are CLEARING EVERYTHING OUT?
I say back, "I am waiting for my people. I can't move"
Mads and Jazzy walk out right then. Mads says, "You are one bad seed"
I was like, "I am the fall guy for my bad seed friends"

We walked back to our car with the threat of rain to come looming above us. Laughing and dodging all the cars who were frantically trying to escape the confines of parking lots, we still had the energy from the concert.

It was a night of everything aligning the way it was supposed to.
I have spoken about C-Karma (Mads and Jazzy's last name initial). We had it last night.
We were in a magic bubble of it all turning alright.
I had faith.
Just like at Disneyland that night, or the other nights things were in perfect synchronicity.

And it allows me to have faith that this synchronicity can be more than moments few and far between.

It can become my new way of life.

Faith...it seems to be working..

Posted by Kirsten at 12:11 PM | Comments (0)

February 16, 2005

Feeling Groovy

Yesterday I had the day off to get my hair done.
I went to a salon that my former employer (D movie actress who thought she was something special) goes to.

I was a little afraid I would run into her. I didn't.
But my stylist knew her.
Thought she was nice.
I smiled without saying anything.
Okay, maybe she can be nice, I thought. But she wasn't.

But this was my day. I wouldn't let a past horrid employer soil it.

And now my hair looks great.

And I have lost 2 more pounds.
And a pound of fat.
And my skin is glowing.
And I talked to my sister today for a long time and in the background, heard my neice and nephew singing Baa Baa Black Sheep even though they were supposed to be asleep.
And my workload has been busy to stave off boredom but not too busy that I can't have fun.
And my birthday is coming up.
And even though at lunch I ran into a horribly rude woman at Target, when I came back to work, there was a wonderfully chivalrous man at the gate.

And the sun came out when they were predicting rain.

Happiness Sigh. Smile. Another Happiness Sigh.

Posted by Kirsten at 04:02 PM | Comments (0)

February 14, 2005

In The Pink

Today is V-day. Ugh.
I have always been a dreamer of the perfect valentine's day.
It has yet to happen for me.
So this year, I am not really thinking about it.
Well, I am, but I am thinking about other things when I do think about it.

And I hate to admit that I want this day to be special.
But I do. I even wore a pink sweater to show my valentines day color.

Actually, things are better than they have been. My weekend was starting to look like it would be tainted with the uber dark cloud that had surrounded me all last week. I was worried that I would never come out from this negativity.

On Friday night, I went to my weight meeting.
After having had a really good talk at work with Rere and Carrie, going to the meeting, I was already in a better frame of mind.
I spoke to the coach about my issues. It was very emotional to bring it all up again. She said that she was the same way with addiction that I am.

She said, "I sit here week after week with people on this program and only a handful of people react to all of it the way I did. But know that I was exactly like you. If you can trust me and trust the process we are on, we will get you to where you want to be."

She also said that I can't look at what I weigh anymore since I have become obsessed.
She said, "You got into these behaviors because of the self loathing and the emotional flogging. But now that you are doing really really well, the fact that you are self depriving yourself but still self flogging, well, that is almost more dangerous than if you weren't doing this program at all. You need to really appreciate what you have already accomplished and enjoy the journey. This is growth."

And with a breath, I let it all go.

I decided to be kinder to myself.

And you know what? This weekend was great. I took really good care of myself. I pampered myself. I had good conversations with new and old friends.

I went out on Sat night with Mads, Jazzy and Zapato to an art gallery opening. Really really cool art. Then we went to Jones and met up with Jazzy's friends from the OC.
At our table we were 8 people.
It felt good to not expect anything from the evening.
Just to know that wherever I was...that was the party.
That was a new feeling for me.
And it felt powerful.
Flirted with some of the boys that were there.
Had a really good time.

Then yesterday, I finished Paper Project.
The energy in my place was amazing.
I was a new woman. My place was a new place.
My apartment felt loving again. Not like the jaws of a paper monster gone mad.

It felt like all the things I have been really really working on were starting to get unstuck.
And it was nice to have the peace of mind that all that work wasn't for naught.

Last night, I was supposed to go with Mads, Zapato, Tripod and Jazzy that to dinner. Tripod and Zapato had gone to the Grammy's earlier in the evening, so I couldn't wait to hear their news first hand.
But I couldn't make it.
I was exhausted. I fell asleep quite early.

And now it is Valentine's Day.
I have been telling my horror valentines tales all day making people laugh. Some day, I will do comedic monologues about them.
Not today. Not on the blog.

Work has been fine. Boy boss and I are getting along. We have several new men working here as temps and the ??? abound as to their orientation. It doesn't matter to me since they all seem like they play for the other team and I am not really as boy crazy as I have been.
It is nice to have some new flirting energy just in case.

Tonight, the plan is to go to a late show of Jazzy's friend's band.
It is as un-valentinesy as you can get...which is why we are going.
Somthing fun that doesn't reek of the promise of romance.

Tomorrow I have the day off so I plan to have a LOT of fun tonight and stay out late late late.

So even though, this day is not my favorite, I am still like every little girl who fantasizes that the romance is out there.
That not all guys are as jaded as many LA men who are so accomstomed to the women making all the moves.

I don't mean to sound like I am a male basher. I love men.
But LA men can really drive a girl mad.
I am not alone. It is the common wail you hear from all types of single female Angelinos.
I still have hope that the next time I really connect with a guy (like I did with ghost), it will be something to hope for more of.

And fingers crossed that with that hope, we can share a valentines day that isn't tainted with comically horrible moments that are fodder for my comedy.

That hope will be fodder for a healthy and happy pairing.

And that is the reason I wore pink today.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:21 PM | Comments (0)

February 11, 2005

Pre V-day Pampering

Ahhhh Friday.

Zapato, Mads, Jazzy (I think) and I will be going to China Town.
In this rain though it makes things all the less colorful. And wet.

Have a fabulous pre-Valentine's Day Weekend.
I shall be using some gift certificates to get some beauty pampering.

And I will just enjoy them like the hedonist I am.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:08 PM | Comments (0)

February 10, 2005

Only Women Bleed...or Make Up Jobs to Curtail Boredom

My job is very routine.
So routine that I create new ways to be inspired.
Like, I challenge myself to beat my past record of what I can do in a day.
Or, I pretend I am an airline reservation agent, or that I work in a bank.

Sometimes, when I stop and think about how I have been doing the same thing for almost 3 years, I am surprised I haven't gone completely mad.

Unless, making up jobs while I am doing my work is a result of having gone mad.


Tomorrow is Friday.

Vile Girl boss is coming to clean out her office.
I am not looking forward to it seeing as how she will come and try and cry and be nostalgic and no one will want to with her because a) no one likes her and b) everyone is still working
which means that a) she will be more sad and nostalgic that after 9 years with the company this is how it all goes down
and b) she will come to me to complain because in her mind, I am still her assistant.
She and I hate each other. I don't pretend not to. She does. She pretends to just looooove me. But really slams me when she can and cry when she can't understand why I am being so mean.
She will be GONE! Yipeeee.
More interviews tomorrow on who will replace her.

The diet is getting easier except that they had brownies for dessert. I shouldn't have even looked but I did and then I realized, I do love to torture myself. Like reading exes horoscopes when you break up.

I fell asleep last night on the couch trying to find out about this segment on ET about chubby chasers and the 600 pound women they love.
Sounds freaky.
I mean, I am all for liking someone for who they are. And if who they are is not being unrealistic hollywood stick thin , then all the better.
But fetish is as fetish does, and if a guy only likes you when you are a stick then I see no difference in when he only likes you when you are unhealthy and obesely fat and housebound.

But you know what? To each their own.

It takes all kinds. At least they both are happy.

Yesterday I went to craigslist missed connections as I am wont to do.
I was reading all these erotic entries and was like, what the hell site am I on?
Turns out I was on craigslist misc. romance (read misc. lust).

It was some good, ahem, interesting reading.

As I write this, more work is piling up.
Piling as it always does.
I wonder what I will imagine my job is this afternoon.

Whatever it is, it must incorporate Alice Cooper, since that is the music choice of boy boss today. Only women bleed is playing and boy boss is practicing for his karaoke nights.
Maybe I am the lighting engineer at a stadium concert.
With every brush of the keyboard, I control the visuals.
Okay, yes, maybe I have gone slightly mad.

Come with...won't you?

Posted by Kirsten at 05:02 PM | Comments (0)

February 09, 2005

Year of the Cock

I am a Rooster. And a pisces. And my rising sign is Aries.
Now you are all informed as to why I may behave the way I do.
I am just saying.

Last night was Mardi Gras AND Chinese New Year's Eve.

Did you make a Chinese New Year's Resolution?

So, Mads, Jazzy and I went to the Good Luck Bar to meet Zapato and Tripod for a little Year of the Cock party there.

I don't really like the Good Luck Bar.
It is as Mads said, The Bad Luck Bar. Well as far as we are concerned.

I like the look. I like the other bars and eateries that the owner owns: Jones, Swingers, El Carmen, to name a few.

But the layout somehow is difficult to talk to people other than the people you came with.
Everyone is also on everyone else's upper lip which makes it challenging to make your flirty moves without everyone thinking you mean it for them.
But knowing all this, I still went.
After all, my astrologyzone.com, said that my life would drastically turn around on Feb 8 and considering the horrid work day, I figured the only way that could happen was to get my COCK celebration on.

After work, I went with my mini Ipod on a very brisk long walk throughout Los Feliz. It was amazing. My head cleared up. My thoughts were my own. I didn't have to think about anything other than continuing to walk.

I got ready for the evening and Mads and Jazzy picked me up.
We had a plan (which is top secret so I won't reveal it) that was put into action.
But the thing was that the place was filled with wimpsters yet again.
Boys who look and smile and flirt across the room, but who finally do NOTHING.
They wait for the aggressive Alpha Females to make the move. I used to.
No more.
I can no longer go the route of the new modern male who plays a very close resemblence to Victorian women of yore with coy looks and little coquette games of hide and seek. Puke.

So, new plan in action was just embrace being out.
Which I did.
Mads and I were ready to move on to 4100. Jazzy still had her eye on someone.
As we were leaving, he talked to her. And all his buddies came around and suddenly the Bad Luck Bar became not so bad luck bar.
They were all kind of partying dudes. Very charming and funny. Gave good hugs and were keen on proving to Mads that they were in fact NOT gay (they were heavily tactile with one another).

They made us laugh. But the evening was drawing to a glass breaking momentum where bowls of wasabi were overrun with beer that had been tipped over.

We scooted after long goodbyes.

We actually found a parking spot in the tiny 4100 lot.
"No one is here. You can tell when you can find parking" Jazzy said.
She didn't really want to go there anyway.
The doorman looked at our IDs and said, "Welcome to Tuesday" as he moved aside the big red curtains for us to enter.
A smell of Nag Champa overtook us.
I went to the restroom.
No line there either.
I came back and Mads and Jazzy were like, "Wanna go?"
"Yeah...I am ready"

So after no goodbyes to anyone but the doorman, we scooted.

It wasn't a night full of answered prayers or executed expectations.
In fact, not much really happened that doesn't always happen.
But since I now I am on the cusp of a beginning, it felt like everything started the way I am sure it is supposed to.

The year of the Cock has begun.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:44 AM | Comments (0)

February 07, 2005

Mellow Yellow or Mellow Blue

It might be depression.
Or meditation.
Or exhaustion.
Who knows.
I had a mellow mellow weekend.

After my weight meeting on Friday night and my work out, I saw Carrie coming back from work. We walked to our favorite vidz store where they have the best movies.

I went home and fell asleep.
Woke up late Sat morning.
Walked into the living room and took a nap on the couch. From bed to couch.
Is that a good sign?
Did some errands.

Wrote a bit.

It was around 7:30pm when Mads called me. We knew Beck was playing somewhere local which he has recently been doing. We were going to try and get in.
Tix were only $10.
It was at a place down the street from my Y.
We got in. Ennui joined us.
It was crazy. Har Mar Superstar opened. This guy is a trip.
Mads mentioned that he looked like Jon Lovitz. I didn't see that exactly.
But when I was in line for the bathroom, a guy started talking to me and he made the same comparison.
Beck is so cool. He seems so approachable. Mads and I once saw him at the Farmer's Market with his wife Marissa Ribisi (who was very preggers at the time).
I drank a small but expensive vodka soda.
Was very very drunk listening to Beck.
Very euphoric.
Went to Micelli's after with Mads and Ennui.
It was the only socializing I did all weekend.

Sunday I woke up late again to the sound of the Armenian compound next door ripping up their carpet and refurbishing their wood floors. They live in the building next to mine but since all their windows were open, it could have very well been next to me. The noise was intense.

Finally, I got a thai massage. It was so great to have some of my tension released. Fantasized that when I am rich, I will be able to do that every other day...hell, every day.

Drove to Griffith Park observatory. Did laundry. Cleaned up a little. Made dinner.

By the time the weekend ended, I felt like I had spent a good amount of time with myself. I didn't really want to see anyone. I didn't want to be around people. And yet I was kind of lonely. What is a girl to do in that state?
Cry, eat, drink, call old boyfriends, visit with people?
I did none of the above.
Watched Vanity Fair

This morning, boy boss called in sick.
All the head bosses are all tense and snickerty but I am sort of removed.
Even though they are kind of throwing things at me and I am meant to catch them. I just kind of don't care.

I still can't tell if I am depressed or mellow, or grounded.

I opt for mellow.

By the looks of the way today has gone, I am continuing with that.

I guess we will see.

Posted by Kirsten at 03:19 PM | Comments (0)

February 04, 2005

Avoir Un Bon Weekend!

Whadda week!

Last night, I did a lot of meditation and calming of the jingle jangle nerves.
Carrie gave me some ideas. Mads came over. Mellow mellow night.
We drank some of the tea that Rere brought me from Peru.
I swear, it didn't taste like much but I think we were high.
I had never heard of the ingredients.
We laughed at what Mads would tell the officer who pulled her over...
"Mam, what are you on?"
"All I had was some tea from the sacred valley of the incas and I feel fabulous!"

I don't know if it was the power of suggestion or not.
But we felt very peruvian, you know, in a coca leaf way. Not that I know what that would be like, but I have an active imagination.

Tonight is a weight meeting. I am in a much better place than last week.
I will have a more positive spin on my food stuff. I am sure my coach will be thrilled.

Anyway, I got a credit card today! First one since the bankruptcy. Yea!!!
Now I can start to become a model citizen again.
Ahhh. It isn't a high limit, but it's perfect for me.

And boy boss and I are at the end of our tether as far as this week goes and we are getting snippy with each other. Hmph.

He has been listening to Chicago the past few days. There are a few bands that are like nails on the blackboard for me...one is steely dan and the other on many songs is Chicago. Today's cd is better than the one from yesterday. I was about to bang my head against my computer if I had to hear those horns blaring again.

I briefly dated (had heavy make out sessions whatever) with an actor/crooner who loved Chicago. He played sax and had all their sheet music. He crooned like Sinatra but loved this band. My friends were like, "But you don't like Chicago".
It is true, but I lied. I figured that it was a small price to pay for someone who was so fabulously passionate.
Too many other problems made it not a great pairing. Thank god. I wouldn't want to listen to much Chicago, I told myself.
And all this week, guess what I have to do. Ugh. He DID mix it up with Cher and Joe Cocker a bit (he's on the C's, natch).

I took a break and sat out by the fountain. I saw the head of security that I not so secretly am in love with. But I must stand in line since everyone is in love with him. he was wearing a sweater that I could only imagine would feel so comforting with his arms wrapped around me. Sigh.
As I sat there, drinking my coffee and imagining what life would be like on a couch with him, I breathed in the evening air.
It smells and feels like a summer evening. ohhhhh. BBQ's, the Hollywood Bowl, walks along the beach, nightswimming, sleeping with my windows open...I can't wait for summer. It smells so amazing too outside. Just taking deep breaths helped me get on track with my work.

The weekend is nigh. Maybe after my work out tonight, I will go home and have more of that tea. Time to get my feel-good on. Right. So I shall.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:39 PM | Comments (0)

February 03, 2005

Weird Restless Soul

Things are better.
Today the sun is shining and the smell of jasmine permeates my senses.
My perfume is holding its scent today as well. I smell yummy.
My hair is curly and looking boheme but not messy.
Work load is not too bad.
Nice lunch outside with Rere.
Listening to Steve Harley and the Cockney Rebels.

Yesterday, I left work knowing that a change was in order.
Not sure how that would happen, I just decided to let myself rest from figuring it out and rely that I would be taken care of in some form.

My friend Evren has a song called Weird Restless Soul.
The title felt so appropriate to my state of mind.
I wanted to be anywhere but in my own skin.

And after a plan of going to El Coyote to meet up with Derek and Jazzy, and then having it possibly be canceled and then back on again, I was looking forward to seeing everyone.

Mads couldn't make it. She had a work thing.
I talked to her on the phone before going to work out.

She shared her epiphanies from the day with me.
We both are moving forward armed with a new strength in what we want and want to accomplish.
We have a plan.
And that plan is now in action.
Just hearing her say the words of what we are to do, I felt like it could be done. There was revived energy that we hadn't had for awhile.

I went to work out.
It felt great.
The work outs are starting to be mood alterers for me.

Then I went to the Yote to meet up with everyone.
There was Jazzy, Zapato, Tripod, Derek and Kory.
Seeing Kory took me by surprise. He and I aren't really that close.
Or weren't. It had been awhile since we had seen each other.

But the evening was fantastic.
We all laughed and shared different stories.
Kory was cracking me up. I forgot how funny he could be.
I was able to not even be tempted by the guacomole and the margaritas.
It was fairly easy actually.
In fact, everything about last night was easy.
We laughed a lot.
We were pretty loud and were getting some snarky looks from people.
We didn't care.
We stayed there until closing time.

Once I got home, I fell right into bed.

Woke up this morning from more c-c-c-crazy dreams about my dad and his girlfriend living on a mountain but it really being in the middle of a cemetary. What???? Who the hell knows.

Lately, it has been taking me a few minutes in the morning to shake off the dreams. So I am listening to them. Trying to figure them out so that I can move forward having learned something.

I was told that the beginning of the year would be a good healing time for me.
Healing from what? From old behaviors, old torments, old wounds.
And instead of fighting it like I usually do, I am acquiescing.
There is a peace in that. There is a feeling of rest. And rest I shall since my footsies are tired from dancing as fast as I can with things.
You can only be a weird restless soul for awhile.
After that, the payoff just isn't there.

Yes, today things are better.
Not just better.
Better than Better.
In a muted, non-dramatic way, I feel grounded.

That hasn't happened in awhile so...that is cool, you know?

Posted by Kirsten at 02:12 PM | Comments (0)

February 02, 2005


I had the strangest dream last night.
I dreamed that I was going back to the university.
I dreamed that I was who I am now and I was going back to school.
And moving into my old dorm-y room.

My mom was all excited to be helping me get a little fridge and some pots and pans. I was like, "Wait a minute. I don't want to go back to school. I already have pots and pans. And a tv. And a computer. When did I downsize sooo much? And I sure think I have moved beyond living in this building."
No one heard me.

I looked out the window and noticed everyone doing sports and having a carnival. I was trying to find a way out of my building. And all hallways led me back to my dorm room. The girl that shared my bathroom and kitchen had a really cool stereo set up in the kitchen and a big tulip flower in a pot. It looked cozy and nice. I thought, well this can work.
Until I noticed all the cockroaches on my side.

Out of stress, I ate a whole bowl of rice.
Was pissed at myself for ruining my diet.

Woke up this morning from the dream and felt like I had a hangover.
I sighed with relief when I saw that I live in my great apartment and have my current great life.
I never want to go backwards.
The universe forced me to see what I need to be grateful for.

Mads said today that she thinks that part of the dream has to do with me being too hard on myself. Like the rice eating. She is right. I am so mean to myself.

And I put up with half energy from people. I know what I need from people.
And I rarely get it in the form I want it.
I allow too much vagueness to preoccupy my mind. And out of boredom, I analyze it all to death. And then I get depressed.

Things are going to change.

I am grateful. I am acknowledging how well I have been doing towards self improvement rather than looking at what I still need to achieve.
I am putting a lid on any relationship that still needs closure.

I am letting go of ghost (again - I know but shut up, I am trying to the best I can)

I got a really cool email from an old friend today who listened to my voice over website. I hadn't heard from him in a long time. It was a welcome surprise.

Other than that, work has been way too hectic for my taste.
I feel like I am wearing a huge workman's suit of yuck and it is so heavy with my expectations and my anger and my sadness.

I want to get it off and start over.

Maybe that is what the dream meant...
that I already am starting over.

Okay...I can live with that.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:07 PM | Comments (0)

February 01, 2005

Alice Slides Down the Rabbit Hole

Okay so I am going to chalk yesterday afternoon up to Anxiety Attack Jan 2005.

I have them every so often. But I usually take care of them by eating or sometimes but not as often...drinking.

But since I am not doing either of those and since I don't smoke or do drugs, I had to sit with my anxiety attack.
And by sitting with it, I was on a destructive path. I chased a white rabbit in a most unseemly way.

I did the unthinkable...I called old boyfriends.
The universe was like, "Oh, no you don't"
And I was like, "Um yeah, I have to. I just have to make this pain go away"

Like my solution would help that...but you know, when you are in that state, you aren't really rational.

So I dialed up the old ones. I even had to search the internet for their numbers. No one was home. Some had their new mates names listed on the machine. No one answered their lines. I didn't leave any messages.

I took a deep breath. I called my friend Sam. We have an understanding. If one of us is on a ledge (literally or figuratively) we have to call the other.

He was home.

He talked me off the ledge.
Took the edge off.

I proceeded to verbally vomit all the things that were causing me this panic and my little blue state.

"Good thing you are in the performing business, because my dear, you are dramatic. But we are the same. You and I are cut from the same cloth"

Honest but fair.

"Now you know you are not insane" he said.
"Well, I may be insane, but I am not alone."

I adore the guy. In his own dysfunction, he was able to ground me.

Then I worked out at the gym. Felt 100% better.

Then Mads called me back. I adore her too.
She was able to quell whatever was still leftover in my panic.

Funny how not hours before, I felt so alone.

I took a bath. I looked at my legs with their new definition peeking through. I lost some more weight. And some inches too.

Today, I felt much better. Not completely without my nuttiness but I am learning to embrace it a little more.

Rere told me a story about being present and feeling complete being where you are and knowing that that is where you are supposed to be.

I don't do anything half assed. I love hard. I fight hard. I destruct hard. I walk fast. I drive fast. I expect too fast.

Yesterday, I felt such desperation for no apparent reason. No one likes the desperate.
Not even the universe.
So nothing happens for me when I am in that state.
And I know only too well that as soon as I let all my control issues go, you just know that all of it will fall into place.

It's just getting there...to patience...letting go, and being present that is difficult for me.

And faith.

Where did I put faith? I think I left it with my gym padlock and I can't find either at the moment.
But I need both, so wish me luck in finding them.

And if you see the white rabbit...please don't tell me. I am trying not to chase him anymore.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:08 AM | Comments (0)