March 31, 2005

Banner Day

Yesterday turned out to be a banner day.

I dragged myself to work out around 4:30 even though I was still feeling a bit crappy.

Then as I got home, pretty thrilled that I still had some afternoon left, I got a call from my friend Sarge. We met at the frenchie place down the street. It was nice to catch up with him. We were both having some Alzheimer moments while telling our stories where midway through, we would forget why we had begun telling the story in the first place. No matter, it didn't seem to bother us when we were each the listener.
His AC/DC cover band is playing this Sat at the Cat Club - LA/DC. They are fun. Check 'em out if you so desire.

Then it was off to Spaceland with Mads and Jazzy.
We saw several bands. I walked up to meet them in line right as they were about to go in. Never had my timing been so amazing as yesterday.
We grabbed some seats.
Lots of cute boys, but you know...the usual whimpsterama that always occurs.
Actually there were like 4 guys behind us that were trying to get our attention but since they were so bad at their attempts, it was so not worth our effort to help them out.

We saw Bedroom Walls, Marjorie Fair and Midnight Movies.
I absolutely love love love Marjorie Fair. They just got signed to Capitol.
I wanted to buy some cd's but they weren't out yet. Bummer.

Then, we were off to the Bar.
Mads told a story about how sketchy the place was before it was the Bar.
She and a friend of hers would go in there and it was like only them in there and the druggie peeps. She and friend would just chill out there and play music on the juke box and and and...well, it is a better story coming from her, because as she was telling it, I couldn't help thinking that it was still pretty sketchy for us to be walking around there (sunset and bronson) with heels on that are not made for a quick getaway.
I am always out late in LA and I never get worried, but last night I was a little preoccupied with the surroundings.

We got in there to bid farewell to a friend who is leaving to travel the world. He looked really happy and excited about his trip.
There were even more cute boys at the Bar.
But what was more obvious than usual was the guys who were with the hot bims on one side of them, would seriously give each of us the eye.
I was like, I know people are always looking for something better but almost everyone who had someone almost attached AT their hips was looking around.
It was a little depressing.
But of course, these are stylized guys who hang out with stylized girls.
They have perfected their routine and it works for them.
I can't say the women would be okay with it if they were to have noticed is what it is.
When I went to the restroom, there was a gal who went into the stall and then opened the door to the stall as she was peeing.
"I just have to open the door because I feel so clausterphobic with it shut.
Is that rude?"
The other gal in line with me and I just started cracking up.
She closed the door to pull up her pants.

After some conversations with different boys there, Mads, Jazzy and I split the place and went home.

When I got home, I was pretty awake. I didn't fall asleep until 3am.

I have to admit that this week, I have been feeling low energy so I stayed home. And I still got sick.
So I figured since I am already sick-ish, better for me to go out and enjoy myself.

Sounded good last night.
Not such a great thought this morning.
But it is okay. I will rest tonight.
There aren't many days that rank as banner days. And when they happen, you need to seize them.
And well, yesterday was one.
So I seized.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:53 AM | Comments (0)

March 30, 2005

Sick Bandwagon

People at my work have been getting sick.
And I am a person that believes that I get sick more from my body being worn out than from other people giving it to me.
I don't usually jump on the sick bandwagon.
But everyone at work has been sick and I gave in...I jumped...I got sick.
But not fully.
I wasn't my usual martyr "I-am-working-through-this-malady" way.
Nope. I told everyone I wasn't feeling well on Monday and said that I may or may not be in on Tuesday.
I came in on Tuesday and told them that I may stay a half day.
First the power went out all over town.
I thought, this wouldn't have been a bad day to have stayed out.
Then the power came back on.
Mad dash from everyone to try and use the printers, computers, and copiers since the power outtage hadn't been securely fixed.
Went out again.
I got in a fight with my boss when he made fun of my "Mecury Retrograde again" comment.
Not a fight.
But I could feel that I was so worn out that I was ready for an argument because I really wanted to be home in bed and here he was piling on the work.
You know the old saying when people fight..."It never is actually about the coffee table"
Well this was that is wasn't actually about Mercury Retrograde.
I said to him, "Look you, I can't go home early if you pile the work on"
"Well, if you are still here, I am going to use you to get the work out"
"Well, if I am trying to get the current work out, and you keep adding to it, then we are just having a regular work day where I am not going home early, but I am sick and moving slower than normal and I want to go home and you are lucky I am here to get most of it done and I can't take care of myself if you keep piling the work on."
Well, you can see how this is a recipe for anger to explode.

So I finally went home an hour early. Woo hoo.
Went to urgent care and had a very funny doctor.
He made me laugh.
I told him that I wanted to nip this thing in the bud.

So today I stayed home from work. And slept until noon. I seriously thought it was like, 10am. Now it is the afternoon and I am moving so slowly. But it is all good.

I needed to catch up on my life here at home.
I needed to catch up on some rest.

So I didn't actually jump fully on to the sick bandwagon. I don't have a fever and I am not sneezing. My throat pain is finally going away so I can drink and eat without wincing.
I am sort of hanging on to the sick bandwagon with a very slight grasp.

Tomorrow and perhaps even by evening, I will be able to let it go.

Posted by Kirsten at 02:21 PM | Comments (0)

March 29, 2005

Invisible Boyfriend Trips

A friend of mine is doing a project (
They are looking for girls or guys who have a pic of their ex boyfriend in front of a monument.

I knew when she mentioned this idea way back when to me that I didn't have any pics of exes in front of any monuments.

Last night, I was on the phone with Mads.

Mads: What about boy X?

Me: I have a pic of him on a motorcycle in front of a store. The fact that it is an italian store doesn't show up.

Mads: What about boy M?

Me: I have a picture of him in front of Beaverton Honda.

Mads: Hmmm, how can we make that look like a monument?

Me: Believe me. I have tried to think of that myself.

Mads: What about College Boyfriend?

Me: Yeah, we went camping, but the best picture is of him sitting in front of a river pondering the apple he is about to eat.

Mads: I can't believe you don't have ANY pics of boyfriends in front of monuments.

Cue pathetic whimper on my end of phone.

Me: Oh, I have one picture of a guy and me in front of Griffith Park Observatory.

Mads: It has to be only of him.

Me: Oh, well the one that is just of him, has him sitting on a wall of the observatory, but really, it could be anywhere.
Plus, I don't like him at all and would hate for him to see that out of all my exes, he ranked to be in a book. No thank you.


I just missed getting it right.
What I might do is photoshop pictures of them in front of the Eiffel Tower.
Note to self...get better at photoshop.

If the next book idea is: Ex Boyfriends You took pics of in front of a wall, or in your room, sign me up. Got a ton of those.

Posted by Kirsten at 10:21 AM | Comments (1)

He Knows Me Way Too Well

Conversation with my dad Friday night.

Me: "Dad, things are going well now. I feel that something is changing.
Really. For so long, I would do the work and nothing would happen, but this time, I don't know, it just feels different. Better. Peaceful. Positve."

My Dad (nodding): "Yeah. New psychic?"

Me: Yeah.

Posted by Kirsten at 10:10 AM | Comments (0)

March 28, 2005

song titles for your life

Okay, I took this from Kate ( who took it from Miss Bliss and so on and so on and so on...

Choose a band and answer only in song titles by that band

Band : Crowded House (In honor of the sad demise of Paul Hester)

Are you male or female? She Goes On
Describe yourself: Four Seasons In One Day
How do some people feel about you? Whispers And Moans
How do you feel about yourself? I Feel Possessed
Describe your ex-boyfriend/ex-husband: Never Be the Same
Describe your current boyfriend/husband: Into Temptation
Describe what you want to be: Fame Is
Describe your current mood: Everything Is Good For You
Describe your friends: Something So Strong
Share a few words of wisdom: Don't Dream It's Over

Posted by Kirsten at 12:35 PM | Comments (0)

Thank You Easter Bunny...

I am one tired lil' pup this am.
I didn't want to get up.
Did not.

Friday, I went down to San Diego to visit my dad.
Rondie's niece and her girlfriend were also staying with Rondie and my dad.
Everyone said I would just love them, but for me, and most people don't realize this...when I have it in my head that I am going to relax, I actually get a wee bit of social anxiety when people want me to meet new people.
It is because when I am social, I am ON.
It is natural for me to be that way but it is definitely not relaxing.
So, I was like, well, it will end up probably being a great weekend, but I was hoping to sort of kick back and be a zombie.

I have to say that the second I walked in to the house on Friday, the two gals were AWESOME. They were so funny and all of our personalities blended well. It was a lot of fun. My anxiety of having social anxiety had been for naught.
I am tired. The weekend wasn't what I would call relaxing.
But it was also nice to get away.
On the drive home, I had totally forgotten about the things that were gnawing at me on the way down there.

And even though the weekend was about Rondie's daughter's birthday, karaoke, and easter, I did get to rest much more than I thought I would with so much on the agenda. Rondie is really cool like that.
"Sure, take a nap" she would say, even though, like 12 people were comin for dinner.
Karaoke was a blast.
Cynthia sang a lot of Rob Base songs and had the crowd in the palm of her hand.
I sang my usual stuff where I lacked the crowd "put your hands together" interaction cynthia had, but made up for it in my big voice.
There were 3 drunk men who were the closest to the stage.
They loved us.
When the 3 men were leaving, two of the guys said, "You were fantastic...just great." And their buddy had come from behind me and grabbed me in a drunken grope and whispered, "I think I am in love with you"
Not one to normally turn down a little loving, I peeled him off of me.
He still had me in a pretty strong grip and wouldn't let me go until I gave him a kiss on his 8:00 clock prickly shadowed cheek. Yech.
After he left, I wiped my lips off.
There was something very sweet about his drunk affection.
But something I would have preferred from afar.
Drunk people in a karaoke bar...that IS unusual.

The dj worked off of cash. He would move you up and down the list purely based on what you put in his tip jar.
That may sound unfair. And it is if you don't have money.
But at least you know where you stand with someone like that.
Speaking as someone who tips karaoke dj's AND still has the worst karaoke karma, it was nice to know it was
$1 tip would get you maybe moved up to 3 songs away. $5 would move you to be next. Of course, I figured all that out once were leaving.

Easter was nice. Everyone was wearing their pastels. It was like an ad for easter. Except that we started the brunch with taquitos and guacomole and bloody marys and mimosas. That was before the challa french toast and egg dish rounded out the diet free zone.

My dad re-enacted my favorite easter card with our chocolate rabbits.

One rabbit has a bite taken out of his butt and says, "My butt hurts"
The rabbit he is talking to has his ears bitten off and says, "What?"

But due to my chocolate addiction, I was like on chocolate hangover mid-sunday morning. I couldn't shake it. I was thinking that "hair of the dog" would be the way to kick it but alas, more chocolate didn't seem like a good idea....

Until I got to Mads for Easter dinner back in LA.

Mads and Jazzy's family is really cool. Such artsy, bohemian folks.
I had the best time. Dinner wasn't ready for awhile, so we feasted on cheese, robin's eggs (chocolate), and wine.
Reedfish and Ennui were there as were L, Sean and Mads's mom and dad and Jazzy.
Not a lot of people but it felt like a party party.
Could have also been the wine that was a-flowin.
But mostly it was the festive vibe.

And now I am on a moratorium towards wine and chocolate.
My god.
Too much.
Too much.
But it was worth it.

Hope you all had a great easter.

Posted by Kirsten at 12:04 PM | Comments (0)

March 25, 2005

If it is soo bad, why does it taste so good?

Ever notice that the food that is really the worst for you comes in the crinkliest, noisiest paper?

If you are a life long closet eater like I am, you learn to work around it.

But still...who thought of that?


Posted by Kirsten at 10:49 AM | Comments (1)

March 24, 2005

The Luckiest

"I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here"

The lyrics to that Ben Folds song ("The Luckiest") resonate strongly with me at the moment.

I feel very blessed and strong.

The past is really truly melting away like the fat that I am losing.

Life is becoming what I have envisioned it to be.

"That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest"

Mads and I went walking last night again to the Bourgeois Pig.
It was easier than Monday was. A lot of people were out. It was like a crazy party had just let out.

I love that Mads and I almost never run out of things to talk about.
Except for that moment when we sat down at the cafe and felt the burn in our limbs. We were silent for a moment then.

Today has been busy but sort of meditative. I was annoyed at boyboss earlier because he was playing his neil diamond way too loud and I couldn't hear my James.

But for the most part, the day has consisted of water cooler talk of America's Next Top Model (next week, blondie gets something icky happening to the skin on her face - ewwww) and American Idol (the consensus that Mikelah should be the next to go).

Found out my dad is watching American Idol too. That crax me up. If you knew my dad (who formerly HATED reality tv - come to think of it, so did my mom and now she loves most the shows) you would laugh too.

I read an article yesterday about a man who had "sexual relations with cows several times". I sent it to my co-worker who sent it on to a man she is newly dating. She thought it would be funny to send him such a ridiculous story. He has so far...not called back to plan the date that they had tentatively talked about. Men...and complicated.

And speaking of complicated and men...I found out a boy at work has a crush on me. And even though I don't know him or know how he came to like me since we never see each other at work, it is nice to walk around my day with that little piece of information.

Tonight, I am going to see Christy's Tastemaker salon (where I did my comedy in Jan). There is a guy performing tonight whom I once almost went out with on an internet date. We emailed several times and always found each other on different sites. But somehow...that date never happened and I never met him.
We both know people in common so it was only a matter of time before our paths would cross. He doesn't know that I will be there. Mwa ha ha. I can spy and see if it would have worked out between us. Or thank god that it never did.

As I drink my second latte (yes, I broke down and had another one today even though I should be more disciplined about that shit), I feel very peaceful.

I am going to San Diego this weekend to see dad, rondie and all the peeps I see down there. I bought the little kids some easter-y things today at Cost Plus World Market. Others had the same idea that I did and I was almost fighting with another blond woman over a stuffed little chicken in an egg.
Didn't I just say that I feel more peaceful?

I am quite the paradox. And at the moment, I am loving everything about being one.

"And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest"

Posted by Kirsten at 05:04 PM | Comments (0)

March 23, 2005

Don't Stop Me Now

So lately, I have been sort of bored...and waiting.
I have never been the type to just sit on the couch waiting for opportunity.
I have always been the type to go after what I want.
But life has sent me numerous red herrings. I have been duped many times thinking that I was headed down a road of opportunity, only to hit a wall.

Tires screeching.
Not again.
No way.
Not the wall AGAIN!!!!
Argh. She would say with a plaintif wail.
The wall stands in front of relationships, love, opportunity, career, money.

But after each time I hit that wall, I would pick myself up and go forth.
That gets tiring.
But you do it because as Mads once said, "What is your option? To NOT do it?"

True true

So in the past month, I have continued going forth...being bold in my choices...realizing where the opportunitues are and taking them.
I have released what doesn't serve me. And for the record folks...that ain't easy. It just ain't. But...what is the option? To stay stuck?

I will not stay stuck.
Something changed on Feb 22. Day after I saw Mrs. Lee, the day after I saw the dog get hit by the car, the day after President's Day.
I became stronger in my resolve to accomplish a life that serves me.
This WILL happen.
I have the utmost faith.

That's what was missing before...the faith.
And what I can afford to lose now is the fear.

Yesterday, I knew all this to be true.
But I needed a little shot in the arm.
And boy did I get one.
If I felt powerful is nothing to what I feel today.

I will be that white streak of lightning that passes you by.

I am on my way to breaking through that wall to the life I have always been tying to get to. And I will.
See you all there.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:13 AM | Comments (0)

March 22, 2005

Music and Rain

"Why Does it always rain on me
Is it because I lied when I was 17?"

Travis is on the shuffle on the ipod and the music seems fitting for this rainy day.

When I was a kid, my babysitter, who normally served us cookies and punch after school, would make us popcorn on rainy days.
MMMMMMM popcorn.

But today, no popcorn.
Been doing a lot of net surfing due to little work coming in.
That is fine.
This weather makes me want to eat.
But again I am in diet mode. So it feels more taboo to want to.
Swear I won't mention it much. Diet diet diet, blah blah blah. I know...boring.
But it is my reality so, I think about it. At least for now.

After my workout last night, Mads came over and we went for a long walk.
We walked all around my hood and then ended up wanting to get coffee.
So we walked to Bourgeois Pig. Which really isn't quick walk.
Ennui and I used to make that same walk and stop at Birds.
But seeing as how Mads and I had already eaten, it was coffee we were seeking.
Until we got there.
Coffee at 11pm didn't seem like a good idea.
She had a tea tonic thing and I had a water.
Then we walked back.
All the while chatting and chatting.

It felt good. And relaxing.

Many people today are complaining about the rain. I like it.
I mean, when you are from Portland, you get used to it.
I don't want it all the time. But today, I like it.
Ask me in a week, and I may curse it. Just saying.
Every time someone walks outside, I hear the rain pound down on the umbrellas and the plants on the first floor.

Boyboss played Aha's cover of "I'll Do My Crying in the Rain" special for me.

I am drinking green tea, but what I really want is another latte.
But I won't.

"Everybody saying everything’s alright
Still I can’t close my eyes
I’m seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights
Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong"

Posted by Kirsten at 05:32 PM | Comments (0)

March 21, 2005

Shiny Happy People

This weekend was like a shiny, glittery new reality.

I did a prosperity ceremony for myself on the vernal equinox, involving shiny coins. I will let you know how it turns out.

Accomplished many things at a leisurely pace that I have been meaning to do.

Visited my relatives in South Pasadena

Took my class which I think will help me enormously. I love the teacher's whole approach to class.
There is always that one clunker of a student who thinks they are so important and interesting. They use words like "fetal stages" and "umbrage" and "ilk". I use all those words too but not in one day. Sheesh.

By the end of the 6 weeks, I will have a rough draft of my show. Ya-friggin-hoo.
I am motivated now.
It was such a gorgeous day here in the city of Angels. Bright, blue, breezy. When I walked out of my class in the middle of hollywood, there was the capitol records building shining (yes...shining) above me in front of the back drop of teletubby blue sky with puffy white clouds. I rubbed my eyes to see if it was real or a movie version. Of course, I got my answer when I saw a homeless man spit a loogie onto a tourist. What I was seeing WAS real. Ah...LA...home.

In following with the shiny, creative energy I could feel flowing out of me, I mentioned to Carrie that I want to start taking pictures. And just like that...she loaned me her camera.
But as she took her awesome old school camera down from a high shelf, she held it in her hands and you could actually see her hands forming around it like she used to when she used it more conisitently. You could see that just by holding it, its power washed over her and she started to get that look in her eyes when you can tell that she really wanted to be using it.
She held it lovingly as she tried to clean the lens.
Sometimes you forget how much you love something until you are handing it over to someone.
Since I don't expect as much from my photography (since I never really thought of "my photography" as being a sentence I would utter), I release myself from success or failure.
Trying to do that with the writing, singing and performing.
Will get there.
And I will take very good care of the carrie camera while I borrow it.

One of the assignments in class was to make a laundry list of your traits until the teacher said stop. It was very free flowing, stream of consciousness.
Later when I mentioned it to Carrie, she said, "did you write mystical, ethereal, whimsical?"
"About me?" I questioned, since those are words I would use to describe Carrie but not myself
"Yes you"
Well I'll be.
No, I didn't write them, because I don't think I am really any of those things.
I think I am creative and funny and have goofy, whimsical moments and moments of being alone and ethereal. But I am too self aware to be truly mystical.

Met Mads and Jazzy yesterday for a late lunch.
After we ate, we went skirting into Lush to get some awesome bath bombs.
While we were in there, I made Jazzy put hair glitter on me.
"You made me do this last time to you" she said reluctantly putting it in my curls.
"Come on, please, put it in my hair"
She did it.
After we left, she noticed in the sunlight how much of it was on her hands.

"Great, now I have glitter all over me from putting it on you"

She hadn't wanted any glitter on her.
We had already talked about it in the car. No bath bombs with glitter, no powder with glitter...
Just too hard to get the stuff off.
And just like last time, I forgot how hard it is to actually get it off, or out. My hair still has it in it.
It keeps falling onto my shoulders like shiny dandruff.
I will never make Jazzy put glitter in my hair again.
I wanted the stuff and am annoyed I can't get rid of it.
Imagine the poor girl who didn't want it and having it all over her hands and consequently...her bag, her pants, her jacket...etc.
Sorry Jazzy.

But as each glit (is that the singular?) falls onto my forehead, or cheek or arm, I feel a little ethereal. whimsical. Mystical even.
And they would be nice adjectives to add to my shiny, glittery new reality that I am trying so hard to forge.

Posted by Kirsten at 02:04 PM | Comments (0)

March 18, 2005

Not So Erin Go Braugh Kind of Night

Ahhh to be part of the artistic elite.
Okay, I wasn't a part of it, but I danced along the edges. And it was fun.
Mostly because I was there with people that dance there with me.
And we can see the humor in some of the elitist artsy stuff and giggle.
Which we didn't.
We are too mature for that.
Except that we could have because we aren't too mature to know we had the option to giggle if we had felt so inclined.

The photography was the Rock and Roll collection of Annie Liebovitz and Jim Marshall.
Mads and I had seen the Liebovitz photos up in Seattle at the Experience Music Project. When we were up there, it was a rainy weekend and no one was in there and we had the exhibit all to ourselves. We listened to Annie talk about each photo on a head set and we took all the time in the world to hear every story.
Seeing some of them again last night was a real treat.
The setting was a totally different feel since it was so crowded and art peeps were spilling wine all over themselves while discussing the close up shots of the likes of Lucinda Williams and Rick Rubin.
Star sightings...Alicia Witt and a guy that I know the face but can't place the name. You would totally know him if you saw him too.

It was nice to eschew the St Patty's day celebrations. It was more mellow.

Mads's mom and dad were at the gallery as were Ennui and her man, who shall now be referred to as Reedfish.
Mads's mom is a genius photographer.
I told her that when I am rich, I will buy her whole collection of B&W shots.
She smiled. I think she thought I had blazed a doobie and was talkin out my butt, but I am serious. I think she truly knows that.
But I don't think she knows how serious I am that I am going to be rich.
Note to Mads's mom...I am serious.

Actually, I told Mads on the phone later in the eve, that because all my photog friends: Mads, Jazzy, Ennui, Reedfish, Mads's Mom, etc...are all such good photographers, you would be thinking that everyone can be a good photographer. But the truth is, I just happen to be blessed to know several artists and I enjoy all their work.

My praise may seem effusive but when you see a collection like I did last night, it really motivates you to get crackin on the creativity. And in turn you really start to become appreciative of art that moves you.

Sunday, my workshop for the one person show starts
And the following Monday, my workshop for voice overs begin.

I am writing my short stories piece by piece and it is feeling very liberating.

After the gallery, Mads, Ennui, Reedfish and I went to El Coyote.
We thought, what is the least Irish place you could go.
We were stumped when we saw a huge crowd outside the WeHo Mexican eatery.
We had to wait only a few minutes for a table, though.
It was fun.
Another star sighting...the "Oh Oh Oh face" guy from Office Space.

Ennui's new haircut really suits her and we talked about reedfish's blog.

Finally, we were kicked out by the restaurant. The lights first went lower then higher to get us to leave.

"Our ride is in the restroom" we said to the security guard.
"Really? You are still waiting for someone?" he replied as if we were trying to pull one over on him.
Sitting in an almost empty, tequila soaked wood smelling restaurant after the glow is wearing off the evening isn't our idea of fun.
I think reedfish said something of that nature to him.

She returned from the restroom and true to our word to the guard, we left.

We wandered back to Mads's silver ride and we called it a night.

A very mellow March 17th if there ever was one.

I liked it very much.

Posted by Kirsten at 10:47 AM | Comments (0)

March 17, 2005

A Little Bit More

I think it is weird when people meet other people and they change.
They mold to the new person.
My sister used to do that.
Like the music of the new boy.
The music she wouldn't normally like
And I guess I do that.
Or I have done that.
Normal I guess to get into that mode. Even for a little.
But it is weird when you see your friends do that.
And they become someone new.
And they don't understand why it freaks you out and you look like the one wigging out.
But you know you haven't changed.
That they have
And that for a time you have lost them.
And you feel resentful.
Or lonely.
Or relieved.
And then you live with it because it is the new "now" and what else can you do but just go on with your own world.
I just think it is weird.

Boyboss is listening to the D's and he had on some Dr. Hook.
Which was the first album I ever owned.
I think I was 6 years old.
Heady stuff for a kid.
Some of the lyrics made me think about loves gone by...

"It's hard to know I worshipped the wrong one
But I've paid for it, oh what about you?
Everyday your memory grows dimmer
Clouds drift away, sunshine peeps through"

Yes yes yes...take already almost gone.

And in other news...
Yesterday morning, I awoke feeling yucky so I called in sick.

It took me until 4pm to really move about without holding my head in some dramatic fashion.

Today at work I tried something new.
I tried to not focus on how much work was coming at me.
I took it bit by bit.
And I accomplished it ALL.
I rock.
I am superhuman.
I am sooo tired now.
But it is all good.
Going to the Fahey Klein gallery tonight.
Stuff to do, photos to see, people to charm.

Posted by Kirsten at 04:05 PM | Comments (2)

March 13, 2005

The Week

Well this week never really improved at work. Every time I tried to write an entry saying it had gotten better, I got slammed again.
I was sooo ready to throw this week in the crapper. I wasn't alone. Everyone I talked to felt the same way. Maybe had something to do with the new moon. I dunno.
I also conitnued to go to bed quite early and STILL refuse to wake up on time.

Because new girlboss has arrived, they are giving her the same work as they gave vile girlboss, but have added several other items for her to do. Which means I am doing the assistant equivalent of everyone in our department on some level. I guess that means I know a little bit about every assistant job. But that also means that I am working 3 different jobs for the same pay. Oh just wait when my review comes up. Most people are not getting the raises this year. But you can bet that I will kick and scream if I don't. This week was like when I was so miserable with vile girlboss and boyboss several years ago and almost ... well that is old news, but suffice it to say that I felt as low physically as I hadn't in a long time.

But mentally, I was still pretty good (other than being stressed) but no depression or sadness or anything so that is great.

Okay, so that bad stuff is out (whew), a lot of wonderful things happened this week.

I lost another pound.
I booked tickets to NY next month with the girls. I am sooooo excited. It has been 5 years since I was last there.
I use my new laptop everyday and am so grateful to have it.
I got a thai massage when I couldn't move anymore from too much working out and too much stress at work.
I signed up for a one person show workshop. it starts next week. I am soo on my way to getting my creative life under control.
I got news that my friend who had surgery is doing well.
I got through an anniversary of some sort that used to make me sad.
I talked to my sister and the kids several times
I cleaned my apartment in a way it NEVER gets cleaned.
I had stone cold creamery last night. MMMMMM. It had been so long since I had ice cream.

I had to go on the strictest phase of the diet once I gained 3 pounds. You stay on it until you lose the 3 pounds. So on Thursday at work they had brownies. I normally would not have tempted myself to get one but Hendricks brought several to the table.
I took one to save for Friday when I could eat it again.
But that was a mistake.
I looked at it through the plastic container on my desk.
I took it home and felt it calling me.
I went to weigh and had lost my pounds. Came home and was like, "I lost the pounds, I can eat the brownie."
I had my fingers on it.
I was putting it up to my mouth,
And for some strange reason, I stopped. Like an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, I was like, eat it, don't eat it.
did I want to be the kind of person who couldn't wait until the next day to eat it. Did I want that brownie to control me? No I did not.
So I put it down.
So unlike the old me.
I worked online and fell asleep on the couch with my computer next to me.
I woke up at midnight, and without skipping a beat, my body went right to the kitchen at 12:01 and ate the brownie. Out loud, I was saying, "Oh yeah this is so worth it"
Then I went to bed.
I think I still may have someissues when I sleep eat.

Anyway. this week, I had dinner with Mads and Jazzy at the thai place that is in an old taco bell. it is so yummy.
Yesterday, I had breakfast with Mads and Jazzy.
Then I did my requisite errands and had a pedicure.
Met up with Jazzy later and had dinner at Sake House (oh so good) and then had the previously mentioned stone cold creamery.

I would say it was the perfect weekend. And after having one of the best nights of sleep without the kookiest dreams that I have been having, I still have today. Yahoooo.

Tonight, I am meeting the gang at Jones for a beginning of the week celeration.

Life is good. I don't care what tomorrow at work brings. I am happy now. And I am going to try and really carry that through my week.

Happy Sunday.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:05 AM | Comments (1)

March 08, 2005


I am irritated today.
Maybe it started last night.

I went to weigh in and after only a few days, I gained back my 3 pounds which isn't bad but I am really not excited to go back to phase 1 for 3 days.
I will, but I am not excited about it.
This is a long road and it is a lot of work and a lot of monitoring and I am just tired.
It is worth it.
I know it.
I feel and look great. And I don't want to complain because in essence, it all comes back to be a healthier me.
But ugh, it was just annoying to have to go back on phase 1 so soon.

So during my walk after my workout last night, I realized how irritated I was at hat news. And then I started to realize I was getting annoyed at a lot of things.
I was listening to my ipod and just cruising to the likes of Beck, Coldplay, Elliot Smith, Evren, Something for Rockets and Jeff Buckley.
I had it on Shuffle so I geared whatever my pace was to whatever song played next.
Maybe that lack of control irritated me.
Or that the lights of oncoming cars were so bright I couldn't really see very well.
I changed my music to not be on shuffle so I could focus on the walking rather than the music.

Today, I look great in what I am wearing.
But the jacket feels binding. And it isn't really tight.
But I feel sort of trapped.
I think it is a mental thing. I feel bound in my body. I think I need to go outside for a break. Boyboss's music is interfering with mine. We are at a standoff and now both our music is too loud. I have asked him to turn it down and I did the same. So, our area is manageable now.
But everyone gathers in my area and I always get in trouble for being loud and the truth is that it usually isn't me. I have a desk that is at a social corner. I don't know why. It just is. So everyone is laughing and joking and telling long stories and the music is loud and arrgghhhhh. Calgon take me the frick away.

And I am also finding out that since I have removed myself from being in the center of drama from those around me at work and in my social circle, that the drama continues to try and draw me in.
And that irritates me.

I have put up with soooo much from so many people for so long that now I have little room for anything resembling drama.

I am trying to live a balanced life. A mature life. A life where I am accountable for my own actions. Not taking on others' problems and not taking the guilt for others.
For so long, I lived like a dancing monkey, trying to please everyone. Trying to be supportive and not wanting to rock the boat. But I still hurt people's feelings. And said people never had problems telling me how I hurt them. And then out of guilt, I would feel terrible and try and make it up to them when I had never intended to hurt anyone in the first place.
And they would forget about it. Chalk it up to being in a bad mood or whatever. But I always wore each one of those moments like a hook in me. Letting it dangle from my skin.
Not any more.

I never never never try and hurt people's feelings. I am the most delicate with the truth and I am so supportive.

I am seeing and feeling around me those that are frustrated with me.
I am aware of 4 instances. And it is all insidious as it is all talk behind my back.

And to those people I say, "How does it feel that you can no longer put your hooks in me?"
Because they can't.

And to those people I also say,
"Yes, you used to be able to complain to me or about me for every transgression. But if you choose to, you will see what it is like to really confront me. Because I am no longer afraid to confront you.
You may want to rethink dialing up this number, because I don't think you want to be connected to what I have to say. So deal with your dramas before you start something you are not ready to be faced with.
I am strong. I have opinions, and you will hear them if you open that can of worms.
So if you have something to say to me, you best say it in a way you want me to hear. If you come at me already angry, I will not be as tender with you as I used to be. I won't allow you to have attitude with me just because I was understanding before with the fact that you needed to 'get it out'. Nope. You can take responsibility for whatever you are feeling and we can discuss it like adults.
Otherwise...keep it to yourself.
I am not your counselor, I am not your whipping girl, I am not your easy-going dumping ground for all your frustrations.
Treat me as you would like to be treated and I will do the same to you."

I still feel good. Still not sad, not depressed, and not angry.
I still feel the liberation that occurred the day after Prezzie's day.
I just now see so much shit that I will no longer put up with.
It will scare some people to see this side of me.
But it feels like I am finally stepping into to protect that part of me I never did before.
And that strength is one thing that is not irritating me today.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)

March 07, 2005

LA Marathon

In the past, the LA Marathon is usually cause for me to swear up and down since it closes down many important arteries to the city driving-wise.

Since I knew people running in it this year, I was watching it on tv. I actually got really excited to be going downtown to revel with everyone.

I received the email when Rere and Hendricks were at the halfway point.
I called Carrie to see if she still wanted to ride the Metro downtown with me.
She did.

So, we put on our Support-Your-Marathon-Friends-in-the-Heat clothing and headed down to the Metro station. But not without stopping by Starbucks first.

I love that Carrie and I were totally on the same page with our mood yesterday.

We hopped on the subway and rode downtown.
At the Pershing Square stop, we met a man at the wall map whose son was running in the marathon. We told him we would follow him towards the finish line since we weren't sure where we were headed.

Marci called and had arrived at the same time via car a block away from us.
We all as a group, walked ALL over to get to the finish line which redirected us back to another area. We walked A LOT! Not that you would get any sympathy from anyone there who had been running the 26 miles, mind you.

We found out our friends were still 2 hours away from the finish line.
"Let's go drink" Marci, Carrie and I practically said in unison.
No reason to waste a day waiting around in the hot sun.

So we headed to the Bonaventure hotel and had some yummy overpriced hotel food and very powerful alkeehol.

By the time we were done, it was time to head back toward the finish line.

Rere called us to let us know that she was done. So we booked it back to meet her. Thank god for cell phones. Then we saw Hendricks who unbelievbaly hadn't broken a sweat and looked like an ad for sportswear.

Rere was a little less enthused by the whole thing but both girls finished and we were very proud of them.

Carrie and I headed back on the subway. Started a conversation up with a mormon who had run the race but was feeling guilty since he hadn't gone to church. He was happy because he had at least passed out bible flyers. Whatever that was.

I told him that he was also honoring god because he was using what god gave him. He like that answer. What the hell do I know...I could have said the same thing to a hooker and it would still be true.

Last night, I just chilled. I was still riding my buzz and had a little sun on my face.

Some people were really inspired by the runners. Some people were very eager to run next year. Not me. Not at all. I don't like running for 6 hours. Just ain't my thing. But it was a lot of fun to be so caught up with all the good vibes yesterday.

It was nice to explore downtown and feel like a tourist too.
All in all, I think that the LA Marathon this year gave me the warm fuzzies and because of it, I doubt that I will curse it in the future.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:51 AM | Comments (0)

March 05, 2005

The Movie Version of This Moment

I have been having a very musical week. I am listening to some of my old faves and trying to keep a list of the new cds I like.
Now that I have my mini Ipod (from pops at xmas time), I am seeing the world as my soundtrack and I must say...I LOVE IT!
And in the movie version of it all, I am that girl that has come through a dark time and is now surrounded by swirling overtures and dance numbers with really hot extras that surround me as I, oblivious to my own charm, skip through every scene with a je ne sais quoi.

Reality is not sooo far off from that. Okay, it is nothing like it, but I am still as happy and positive as if it were.

The end of the week....ahhh time to catch up on some much needed sleep.
Work was uneventful except that I have a new girlboss. She seems very nice. I am trying to pace getting to know her. Currently, I am just trying to be the best assistant to her but still train her as to how I need her to be the best boss for me and that my friends is a fine line.
But it seems to be going okay.

Last night, I went with Jazzy, Zapato, Tripod, Sagi and her man to Korean BBQ and then on to private room karaoke in K-town.
It was very funny.
If you have shy people in your group, just ply them with soju if you want them to loosen up.
I wasn't sure that I wanted them to loosen up like a unhinged door but there you have it. They were loose and singing and we were that room that is sooo loud taking turns singing the different voices of We Are The World. Sagi's man kept grabbing the microphone from anyone who was singing and took over. He was one of the self proclaimed "shy ones". Yeah right.
We seemed to get a lot of fun in pretty early for a Friday.
Not too late of a night and not too much money spent makes for an even more fabulously fun night.

This morning (afternoon actually), met Mads for breakfast (lunch actually). Yummmmmmmmy food and catching up with my best bud.

And I also went and bought my fave eucalyptus lotion. mmmmmmm.
Then went to Amoeba and browsed and found some amazing finds in the clearance section. Only had to buy one cd that was new.
Love that place. I once saw Jason Schwartzman there.
Today, I didn't see anyone famous but saw someone that looked a little like ghost and it didn't phase me. Which felt good since I have stated to no one in particular that I am really over him. I guess I am. But don't quote me on that...unless I really am, in which case...quote me on that. And I know I used that sentence the other day, but I seem to like it.

Tomorrow, I am going to support my friends at the finish line of the LA Marathon.
Being a theater person, I was like, do you bring flowers like on opening night? A clean shirt? A margarita? A man to kiss? I mean, what do you bring to signify a "good job friend"?
So I am just bringing myself and my huge voice and a camera to catch them as they cross. Hopefully, I am following marathon etiquette.
I am so proud of them. Hendricks said she will be carrying her cell phone with her so I can call her and ask her where she is in the race. Yeah right! Like if she actually does carry it, she will really answer it. She doesn't even answer it when she is in normal life. Crazy gal that one. There is a website that will email me when they hit the midway point at which time, I will walk to the subway with Carrie and take the 12 minute ride to meet them.

My plan tonight is to go to ImprovOlympic and check out Matt Besser's show, but I am fading fast.
I think he is brilliant. I hope I can get my energy going again.

And as I sit now typing this, I am multi-tasking as I listen to an acoustic rarely played-on-the-radio-song from Counting Crows AND watch Jerry Maguire AND make dinner AND figure out what I may wear tonight. In the soundtrack of my evening, I sing along loudly. And in the movie version of this moment, I am discovered by the neighbor who happens to be in A&R for a huge label and needs to sign an adorable multi-tasker such as I am.
How lucky for me.

Posted by Kirsten at 10:04 PM | Comments (0)

March 03, 2005

I found some of my old writing

Day 9 of positive thinking. Yipeeee. Things are good. I am getting more and more inspired by my writing. Now that I have the new laptop, I am very stoked and the words are coming very easily.

I was looking for my poetry and short stories and couldn't find them anywhere in my apartment. I had just finished Paper Project last month and couldn't believe that they had vanished. I finally found them (and actually, in looking for them, found my remote for the vcr (whew) that I was totally bummed about losing.

So, I decided to list one of my pieces that I wrote in 1998 about a relationship that was sorely on the rocks. If any of you have already read it, just bear with the duplication.


I guess there is no accounting when grief will strike you.
A father I had yet to meet.

Hours of driving you to the hospital. Back and forth.
Lunch hours extending way past their prime.

I love you - that is why I do it.

Forced to sit and wait in an ICU waiting room, I am wedged between your mom, "Hi, nice to meet you. Sorry your husband is dying. I am your son's current girlfriend."
And your ex-girlfriend, "Hi, really shitty to meet you and please don't look at me like that."

It is New Year's Eve. We are watching "Cheers" reruns. The world is standing still.

Feelings of jealousy, competition, insecurity, guilt and anger abound.
Angry that New Year's Eve must be spent like this. You recently unemployed.

I feel utterly alone...and broke.
Broke beyond belief as I pay for hello-coffee, boredom-coffee, grief-coffee, we-need-to-talk-coffee.

You pay for nothing, give me nothing and offer me nothing.
"I wish I could. You caught me in a bad time in my life", you continuously offer out of guilt when you see my face gloom in disappointment.
But you cannot take from me that which I don't offer.
Fool me once - shame on you, fool me twice...well you know the saying.

You look to me as your rock; as something solid but I feel like I dangle above us in uncertainty and wonder if the fall will hurt a little or a lot.
I hardly feel solid. I am playing a role so you can grieve for your impending loss.

But I waiver in my strength.
Why am I putting in my dues, if I am not sure the reward is worth it?
Good question, but the answer eludes me.

New Year's Day. The beginning. Or the beginning of the end in our case.

I feel stuck in No Man's Time. No future. No past. Only this shitty present.

This is not how I pictured the way things would go.
Maybe I need a new lens. Maybe I need a new picture.
One that you are not in.

We sit in a bar. Your father is on life support.
Pulling the plug tonight. I am truly sorry to hear it.
But my thoughts drift in and out of being here and being somewhere else.
We sit in the dingy light of the bar filled with smoke.
My clothes are drenched in it.
I stopped noticing that I smelled like a walking ashtray.
You are submerged in grief. You say you will be there for me in my time of need but I know it is a lie.

I gaze at you and stroke your hand to ease your numbness. I cry and hug you and tell you how sorry I am for you. Maybe I cry for us. Or for me.
I don't even know anymore.
You have $.50 and I have my last $1.00. You get a coffee and I have water.

A song plays repeatedly on the jukebox and my mind swirls with the tune.
After the 4th time it is played, I am singing the chorus absent minded-ly.
You look at me with tears in your eyes and say, "My dad will be dead after tonight."
I nod and put my hand on your cheek.
The song continues to play and it becomes clear through the smoke that we are an illusion.
The illusion is fading and reality hits me every time someone opens a door to the outside letting in the daylight.

You try and smile through your pain and tell me you love me.
I say it back because it is the truth.

There is no accounting for when grief will strike you.

The song plays again and with each note, I feel a relief from grief.
I have been filled with so much grief: the deception, the using, the cheating, the manipulation. But this song offers me salvation.
But only for a moment.
A placebo of the Movie-Of-the-Week kind.

It is New Year's Day. I have this song and my water and that is all I need for now.

I let your fingers slip from mine. I give you my dollar.

It is either the most expensive glass of water I have ever bought or the biggest tip I have ever left a barfly.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:19 PM | Comments (0)

March 02, 2005

Wellll, Hello New Me

Last Tuesday morning, something happened.
A big weight came off my shoulders.
It was a self imposed weight but heavy nonetheless.
And I didn't know how I would ever recover.
I didn't know how I would ever be happy or free from the sorrow that has always been lingering in my cells (even during happy phases).
But last Tuesday morning, I woke up and all that stuff...that negative ooey gooey stuff I had been carrying around with me, well, it was gone.
And once it was gone, I was able to walk in life with a little jaunty step.
I met the new Me.

And I have to say that even though it has only been a week (which by the way, is like lifetimes in my world), the new Me is still doing well.
No hidden problems that I can assess.
No broken parts, or buttons that have fallen off.

I am feeling a sense of something...what is it? Pride? Confidence? Esteem?
Who knows?
Maybe it is just a feeling of peace.
Yeah, I have all heard it before.

I am neutral.
Never thought that would be something that I am proud of, but I am.
I am not getting mad at slow drivers.
I am not getting sucked into dramas (real or imagined).
I am not bemoaning a lack of love because I feel a wealth of it.
I am not feeling left out, looked over or abandoned by anyone.
I am seeing people as they are without extra judgments or extra rose colored glasses.
I am feeling a sense of bliss, a sense of calm, a sense of purpose and a sense of self.
I am also feeling a sense of attraction that had been missing before.
I am smiling at everyone. Last night at TJs, the check out guy was totally flirting with me. Asked me what my secret for being in such a good mood was.
I told him since it was a secret, I couldn't tell him.
And then I flashed a winning smile and told him goodbye.

Yes, since last Tuesday, when the new Me emerged, I have a different pair of eyes. I see the world as a place of potential.
I am writing my short stories and poems again.
I have some new clothes
I have lost some weight.
And when you know you look great, you send out different vibes.
I am glad that I had the carnal times with "new" friends that I did in the recent past.
But it isn't what I am seeking now.
And as far as my confidence in my talents, they are all in order.
Of course, I have doubts like everyone. But I am ready to put myself on the line again to really go after what I want.
I want a deeper connection. In my relationsips, in my career, in my friendships, in my meditations.
The difference is that now...I know I can get it.
And I will not, under any circumstances, settle for less.

Posted by Kirsten at 04:26 PM | Comments (0)