May 30, 2005

what a weekend

Weekends should always be like this.
3 day, fun-filled, and time for naps.

Friday night was Frenchiegal's bday dinner.
It was a really nice evening. We laughed and drank and chatted and laughed some more.
Got home around 2 am and then had to be up early to meet up with Leigh and her boyfriend A.

We went to Maxwell's in Venice for breakfast. A is so cool and I am glad for Leigh; she seems really happy.
And I am happy we are in each other's lives again.

In the afternoon, I went to a BBQ at Evren's. Mads brought a pinata. That sucker wouldn't break open. It was finally up to Ennui who let out a strange cry of fatigue to us yelling, "Keep hitting harder. HARDER! HARDER!"
When it did, all this candy poured out. I couldn't have any but it didn't stop me from collecting it. In my head, I think that I was planning to save it so that in 3 weeks, I could eat.
I decided that was stupid and put it in the bowl with the rest of the candy mixed in with blades of lawn grass.
It was a lot of fun.
Evren's house is neat (Jacquie was still in Romania so unfortunately, we didn't get to tell her how much we loved her house).

Then it was time to keep the party rolling. We left Evren's and went on to a party downtown for a magazine.
It was cool.
Cool people, a simulated photo booth, drinks.
But the music was REALLY loud. Mads started to walk towards the stage to catch some shots of the band and I was feeling my ears potentially bleeding as we approached the speakers.
No way, I thought. My hearing is already in peril of going away from all the shows I see.
I hightailed it to the smoking section.
Don't smoke. it would be easier if I did.
When you smoke, you can just be standing anywhere alone and no one questions it because you are doing something... you are smoking.
But if you are not smoking and standing in the same places and standing alone, people give you quizzical looks.
Strange that just a white stick can be activity enough to make you look busy.
I said that in the future I would carry a cigarette but not light it. I would just hold as if I was going to smoke it. I think it was Jazzy that said, "Yeah, THAT won't get you quizzical looks"

We split from the party.
It was midnight. On to Jeremy's birthday at Jones. We didn't stay very long. Maybe an hour or so. it was good to see him too. He was about to take off on vacation.

Next morning, I got up early and headed to San Diego to visit Dad and Rondie. My dad was proud to show me his new tricked out tow boat. In my admiration, I fell asleep.
He thought it was a ploy for me to get out of helping him. Not like he asked. But that is usually what I do to get out of working.
As a kid, like 6 years old, I feigned headaches. My dad always knew I was acting but I eventually got my way.
But this time, I was soooo tired that I honestly felt relaxed just listening to the hum of the motor and the feel of the boat rocking in the waves. It was a good nap too.

Dinner at Rondie's brought her kids and grandkids. It was so much fun. Erika and Aaron's kids are so fricking adorable. The oldest one is so smart and atheletic and the baby is the sweetest, most mellow baby ever.

Rondie's son K brought his new girlfriend R. She is so pretty and artistic. And we had a lot to talk about. She and I gabbed into the night about spirituality. Dad and Rondie fell asleep. I guess as kids, you never lose your prank mojo. The fart machine dad got for his birthday was nearby. K put it next to them on the couch where they were sleeping. We videotaped them as K made the fart machine go off with a remote control.
I KNOW...farts!
Who knew they were THAT funny?
But we couldn't stop laughing because they were NOT waking up.
So the video looks like they are sleeping and farting.
Finally, it was our laughing that finally got them awake.

I had a wonderful time there. Everyone was great and it seems that so many good things are on the horizon for everyone.

The drive back to LA took no time at all. My cat was a bit scarred from the weekend. For some reason, she didn't travel well this time. She is good now. purring and happy to be home.

I was so tired that I took a 4 hour nap.

Then on to trader joes where I had the cutest check out guy. But I forgot my wallet as I was just about to have my items scanned.
I asked him to keep the basket there and I would be right back. Turns out, he thought I was going to my car. I had to go home.
When I came back. No basket. And his line is closed. No guy.
TJ employees start looking around. One woman says, he might have put it in the cooler in the back.
Sure enough. he comes back. And it is all in a bag. He had already scanned it all and bagged it and was keeping it cool.
He called me "M'lady" He was A-DORABLE! I think I am in love.

What a weekend.
I really wish they could all all all be like this.
Do I really have to go back to reality tomorrow?

Posted by Kirsten at 10:00 PM | Comments (0)

May 24, 2005

Drama Scout

When I was a girl scout, I used rev my troop up to do skits and performance stuff when we would go to camp.

There was another troop that did much better than we did. And I remember that they were pretty cocky about too.

So I hated them.

I really wanted them to be as impressed with my performing abilities as I was with theirs. But since that wasn't going to happen, I nursed a wound that became bigger and bigger to the point where I made sure my troop knew they were our competition.
They were to be outdone.
And one time at camp, we did out do them.
And the shortlived victory was sweet.
But because the other troop didn't know there was even a competition, they just went on their way, and there I was left with my own excitement over an empty victory.

The following year, I was told we would have to share a bus with them to camp. My ire grew strong.

On the bus, I found myself trying to be witty and exclusionary.
And it worked. There was one girl (who was a child actress whose name I can't remember) from the other troop who also saw me as the enemy. We locked angry eyes as each of our troops tried to out-sing the other with camp songs.

Then, that particular girl was singing "Empty Garden" by elton john about John lennon.
I loved that song. I wanted to join in. The actress girl must've seen something in my eyes that was a silent pleading to join them. And instead of rubbing my nose in it, she asked me to join in singing with them.

Soon the entire bus was singing the same song. And I realized that there was no division among us.

The rest of camp that year was spent with all of us really supporting each other and being extra creative. It was one of my earliest best moments of creating.

On the bus ride home, I remember thinking (I was only 10 at the time too) that as much drama and conniving comes with having an enemy, my life works sooo much better when I get along with people.

I know that sounds really obvious. It sounds too contrite and syruppy. Except that it is something I tend to forget as an adult.

I like drama. I like drawing a line in the sand and calling the other team out. I liked the book Lord Of The know until it got really disturbing.

I have always lived with that sort of drama around me. My teacher recently asked me if my character for my one woman show has drama find her or does she seek it out. Of course, in perfect dramatic style, I protested, "It finds her of couse."
He smiled knowing that of didn't. She sought it out. Or to be clearer, I sought it out.

Everything for me right now is going really well. I had a fabulous weekend and my class was amazing. I'm being forced to be vulnerable and show parts of me that I don't want. But every one is so supportive. My class, my friends, my family (by the way - my sister is pregnant again!), my co-workers...
I am feeling a lack of drama. I am feeling like all my friends and I are on the same bus singing the same song.
There is no line in the sand.
And even though in those moments when I think the only way to live is to live against an enemy, my life is soooo much MORE when I don't.

I wonder why I keep forgetting that.

Posted by Kirsten at 01:52 PM | Comments (0)

May 20, 2005

Smog Rat and the Early Birds

Last night was magical.
Mads calls me up.
Mads: "You know I am getting a craving for Thai BBQ"
Me: "Yeah. That sounds good."
Mads: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Oh, you know....writing. I NEED to rewrite a lot of my show."
Mads: "Yeah, and I need to do laundry before my trip. Do you want to have an early night and have some thai bbq?"
Me: "Sure. Yeah. An early night sounds good."

Fast forward to 3am when I crash into bed praying I will wake up in time to move my car for street cleaning. (Which I did - barely).

I don't eat sushi, but whenever I am with people who do, they always say things like, "This is sooo good. I don't want this meal to end".

Last night, eating my larb chicken, I understood. And then eating the cocount curry soup. I REALLY understood. I wanted that flavor to last in my mouth for eternity.

It was getting later.
But we were driving and talking.
We ended up at the Coffee Table in SilverLake. Where I saw Kevin from work who was diligently working on his script. Which brought a pang of guilt that I wasn't home writing. But only for a moment. It passed.

We drank coffee on the back patio and continued the talk we had started at the restaurant.

Now we were hopped up on the coffee, so we just started driving around. Hollywood was Currrazy. I think The Longest Yard had its premiere last night. There was a Gen Art party whose traffic was bumper to bumper to enter a parking lot.

Then we were like, let's visit our friend at Capitol.
We did.
And looked at the view from atop the roof.
Beautiful evening.
With a warm breeze present, it was the clearest night.
You could see all the way from Dodger stadium to Century City.
I have heard that you can also get an amazing view from the top level of the parking structure of the Hollywood Home Depot.
But being atop that stack of records was exhilerating.

We then went to the Frolic Room for some drinks.
Mads and I commented how fun it is to know spontaneous people. Many people seem spontaneous but aren't.
We just laughed a lot.
Our friend asked us to guess the name of the band that was playing.
Me: "Ac/DC? Led Zepplin? Poison?"
Him: with a look of disappointment, "Uh, it rhymes with Smog Rat"
Mads and Me (cracking up at the visual of a logo for a band with the name Smog Rat): "FOG HAT!!!!!!"

Everyone in the bar looked at us like we were dumb. Or hot. I really couldn't discern.

And we kept cracking up at the idea of a rat with a smog mask on his face.
(Reminds me of a record that my old babysitter had called "Surfink". It was like Surf 50's sound and the cover had a gnarly looking rat surfing. That rat was running around in my head.)

We parted ways and I dropped Mads off at her car.
Hollywood was still abuzz.

Early night? Nope. But was it worth it? Totally.

Posted by Kirsten at 09:30 AM | Comments (0)

May 17, 2005

The Blues Before and After

Phew...the depression has passed.
And no ex-boyfriends were dialed.
No binge eating ocurred.
No random drinking took place.
It all sorted itself out.

And today feels better.
My cat is unusually needy today and her meows sound more like a bleating baby goat.
I was petting her a little more than I normally do so that she felt like a lady. I watched as her angora like fur flew into the air with every stroke.
She is a shedder.
And she is very sensitive.
Like her mama.
I must've rubbed off on her.
Poor kitty.

Drove my car out to Van Nuys to finally fix the door handle.
After a little problem of getting me in a rental, I was on my way.
I NEED A/C. The fact that I still don't in my little reliable ride, well, I must be crazy.
The body shop just called and it looks like my car will be there until Friday.
No prob, I say. As long as all of the stuff (rental, repairs, etc) are covered by them. I don't want to pay a dime. Not one dime, Johnny.

Boy boss gave me a stellar review yesterday.
After all we have been through together, it is ending on a good note.
I really appreciate that he gave me such a good review.

Tomorrow I am seeing a screening of Star Wars at 8am.
I am very excited about it.

And after yesterday when the migraine from hell felt like it would crack my head open during my work out, my head feels right again.
I have never had pain like that. My eyeballs were seeing flashes of light.
The good news is that I have already lost 3 pounds. YES!
And after taking the migraine tablet, I went and got a thai massage.
It did the trick.
I went home and meditated and tried to regain the feelings I had previous to the little "blue" set back.
I slept like a baby.

Yes, it is all flowing beautifully again.

Posted by Kirsten at 03:53 PM | Comments (0)

May 16, 2005

Mystery Blue Weekend

Yesterday was THE hottest day and today is quite cool.
I woke up this morning with my window open and this sort of foggy air drifting in. I thought I was still dreaming because I hadn't figured that we take such a 180 degrees turn.

Had a very weird weekend.

Kind of solitary.
Kind of good in a way.
Much needed in any case.

Went to Cafe Sushi with Zapato, Jazzy and Mads Friday night and then on to a couple of bars. Nothing much happened. Felt myself sliding into that place that I used to be in social situations. I am really not the best company in those moments.

Saturday was my solitude day.

Sunday was my class which started up again.
I love this class. But it brought up a lot of issues for me that I have with men.
I will proabably talk more of this later this week when I figure it all out myself.
The class was more men than women and I realized that I am VERY good talking to and engaging with women. But men have always held sort of an ellusive quality for me.
An ex once told me that I have a lot of sexual energy around me.
Which is probably true, but because of being that way, I have always tried to curb it.
Which means that I am always struggling with myself when it comes to how to act around men.
I don't know why it is still such an issue for me.
Anyway, I felt vulnerable telling my story to more men than women.
Would they understand me?
I think I came off as a charming kook.

Oh well. I am still trying to get the hang of this "being human" thing.

Last night, went to the Knitting Factory with Jazzy to check out my new friend Shok play in the Mystery White Band. It is a tribute band to Jeff Buckley. They were really good and played my fave Buckley song, "Lover You Should've Come Over".
It was fun. And we met some really nice people.

Today, I woke up with a terrific headache. Probably from the change in weather.
But after taking a migraine tablet, I have finally come back to life.
I am feeling a little more like my new self. At least more than I have this past week.

It might be the diet that isn't allowing me to go to my self medication which made me blue.
Who knows.
I am just glad that it seems to be drifting out of my system.

And actually, I am happy from this reprieve of heat in the weather.
I feel better when the temperature cools down a bit. I feel like I can get deeper with my creativity. I know that sounds weird.
But with all my windows open and my thoughts flowin as I listen to good music and the cool air wafting just revvs me like nothing else.

Posted by Kirsten at 02:03 PM | Comments (0)

May 12, 2005

Label Me This

After going to Sake House Tuesday night with Mads, Jazzy and the Brits, my week has kind of slowed down.
Which I am sort of happy about.
It is giving me time to write and clean up my place.
I feel like I live in perpetual untidiness.

I spoke to an ex fling who called me this week and I have to say it was one of the most lucid, mature conversations we had ever had.

It is nice to know that someone can care about you without you having to label it.
I used to be so angry at this person.
But then I would be happy. And then he would do something to piss me off again.
We tried friendship. Sort of.
But we always had attraction.
My anger came from a feeling of rejection from him even though he was still very present to me.
I guess I needed a label to feel comfortable with who we were. And since I couldn't define it, it made me crazy.
I have never been good at that know...NOT labeling something.

I thought about that the other day on the way home from Mother's Day.
Maybe it was having spent the day with childhood friends or hanging out at Mark Twain Junior High or watching Freaks and Geeks that is making me go all nostalgic. Which inevitably makes me wonder how far (or not) I have come in life.

I mean, yes, I have come far. I am always looking to improve and that seems to be an upward motion. But I wonder how close I always am to that teenage self that labeled things. Always trying to find my place in the world and consequently labeling myself because "no labels" was a fearful place of doubt and insecurity. Funny thing is that the labels don't prevent doubt and insecurity. It just makes it easier to categorize your depression.
I am really trying right now for "no labels".

No labels on others or myself.
If something doesn't feel right, it just doesn't and if something does feel right, it just does. No need to sum it up and wrap it all in a bow, I guess.
But I am fairly dramatic and I sometimes need to make grandiose proclamations of a huge journey before I take just a baby step.

It is just who I am...or is that a label? Oy, this is going to be tough.
Tough, but it will also be a good awakening.
Because in changing the idea of who I am to myself, I will change my place in this society and in the greater scheme of things.
Everyone has the power to change that at a moment's notice.
We get comfy. Even in our ennui.
And then we want change. Which scares us.

In removing the labels, hopefully some of the fears I have had that have been holding me back, will make moving forward a bit more of an adventure.

I am grandiosely proclaiming that this adventure will start right now!
No labels!
Big changes on the way!

See you in a baby step.

Posted by Kirsten at 04:04 PM | Comments (0)

May 10, 2005

Imaginary World

Today was a weird day for me and everyone around me.
It started out fine.
I took a half day from work, and got my hair done at that expensive place in BH for very very little cashola.

Then, I came into work and it is like all hell broke loose.
But in keeping with my theme of not worrying, I sort of watched it happening around me in slow motion.
Word came from the top of a change to our department.
Work, what are you gonna do?

Evren's show tonight has been canceled which is a bummer.
I must try and do something tonight anyway.
Because I feel if I don't, I could be doing a minor slide into a teeny tiny reclusivity...and even though I have been saying it is the good really isn't.

I need to stay alert in my life.
I have a tendency to become obsessed with something and then it takes over my mind.
Right now it is watching Freaks and Geeks on DVD.
I have gone through this several times with other shows, musicals, music, people, etc.
I remember as a teenager, the Monkees were back in syndication and going on tour. I think it was 1986.
I was at my dad's for the summer.
There was one weekend when MTV had a Monkees mararthon and they were airing all of the episodes. I wanted to veg out and watch them all. But I became strangely sad that I would never be able to go back in time and be the same age as they were in the show.
I know it sounds weird. But that is how my mind works.

My dad had other plans for me. I am sure that he noticed my sour disposition.
He wanted me to scrape the barnicles from the bottom of his boat which he had parked for some cleaning in front of our house.
I remember scraping those said barnicles thinking, "I wonder what Mike Nesmith is doing now"....stuff like know stupid musings of a teenager.
Except that as I got older, I noticed that same pattern with other things that caught my attention. I would develop a strange imaginary world and retreat there. I have done it all my life. But it only made me depressed as I got older. Maybe because the two world were so different.

Either way, it is usually not a good sign when that starts to happen. It is usually an indication of me slipping into a self imposed retreat due to an impending depression.

But I caught it this time. I stopped it. Well not stopped it. But I identified it.
I reminded myself to stay alert through this. Live my life.
It is good to be a fan of something, or want to be educated or moved by somethign, but when it starts to make me a sad girl because I feel something is missing from my life, I need to curb it.

Which is why I was excited about seeing Evren's show. It is me living my life with my friends. We were going as a pretty large group too so it would have been a lot of fun. But I guess the only thing you can count on is that you can't count on anything.
Wow...that sounds depressing.
Lemme try that again.
The only thing you can rely on is change.
Does that sound better?
I am using it to be more of a positive even though it is coming out slightly fatalistic (which is not my intent).

So I am not worrying.
I am strong enough to ride it out.
Whatever I do tonight, I will do with a mindset on the positive and the here and now.
Plus, my hair looks fabulous. It would be a shame to waste not showing it off.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:47 PM | Comments (0)

May 09, 2005

Keeping the Crazy Out

I feel a bit displaced.
And it isn't a bad thing. But I feel a bit odd. A bit off.

The weekend was great but I could have used another day. I am tired today.
And boy boss is back. And we may be moving offices. And I haven't done my homework and and and....

Went to Pan Pipes on Sat to show the Brits some wiccan ways.

It was more for "ohhhing and awwwing" than to be taken too seriously.
But they bought candles in the end. A novelty.
And then some man walked in while Mads and I were waiting.
He started a conversation with Mads.
I thought he was really attractive.
But I am not really being drawn in by anyone lately.
All my old crushes have been vanquished and anything lasting with Ghost is gone.
So really no one is catching my fancy.
Mads and this guy started talking about signs.

Guy: What sign are you?
Mads: Libra. What sign are you?
Guy: I don't know when my birthday is
Me and Mads: What? Why not?
Guy: What is a reason you wouldn't know your birthday?

so there we are guessing at why you wouldn't know your birthday.
The answer wasn't very interesting.
He would guess he would be a pisces.
Mads pointed out that I am a pisces.
Guy: Oh, you are going through a good time now.
Me: Well so are you...if you are a pisces.
Guy: Yeah. But I have jumped back into the darkness.

At this point, Mads sort of half grinned and walked away.
She walks away from crazy.
I tend to be drawn to it.
I continued talking to him.
When it was time for us to leave, I asked him his name.
It was some old man's name. Didn't fit him.
Mads was praying to god that it wasn't david.
Which is funny because I didn't even think about him potentially being david.
Maybe I didn't want him to be.
I would hate to be the girl that brings THAT guy to the party who asks you if you remembered him your days together in Atlantis from a past life.
I mean I used to be drawn to crazy.

Now, not so much.

Spent yesterday with my childhood friend Leigh, her sister, her neice nad nephew and her mom. We played with the kids at the junior high that leigh and I went to in Venice.
It was a time warp for me.

It was a wonderful afternoon. But on the way home, I felt very displaced. The music on the radio was cool and the weather was clear.
I felt very emotional. ALmost like crying. Even though I wasn't in a sad mood. Maybe it was the time warp effect. I dunno. Maybe I was still just tired.

Hung out last night with the gang at Jones.
Ate myself into oblivion so much this weekend, that I couldn't even enjoy the pizza like I usually do. I truly felt my belly would burst.
Which is a bummer of the worst kind since I started the 6 week challenge today and won't be going near carbs for awhile.

Tomorrow night I am going to see Evren Goknar play at El Cid in Silverlake. It has been awhile since he has played, so I am looking forward to it.

Today, I still feel very muted.
Like I am placing a gauzy blanket over my life.
But in a good way.
It keeps the good in and the crazy out.
I never thought I would be trying to keep the crazy out.
But there it is.

Posted by Kirsten at 02:55 PM | Comments (0)

May 04, 2005

Drum Beats Away From The Wrong Person

Why does falling for the wrong person seem so romantic?
I think that it isn't the actual act of falling.
Rather, it is the possibility that you and the wrong person live happily ever after proving to the world you beat the odds.
And wouldn't that be great?
Except that it usually isn't.
You find that you are in a lopsided fantasy with someone who never deserved any label other than "the wrong person".

But I am learning sooo much lately about how the choices that the old me made kept me from the things I really wanted.
The new me is like a detective, seeking out the fallacies of the old me and setting them straight.

I walked to my work out tonight and the air was heavy with the threat of rain. It was cool and smelled like fall. It felt like we should be planning Mads's birthday (which is in Oct.)

The fall is always when I get involved with the wrong person. I don't know why exactly.

So I worked out. Hard. And it felt good. And it went fast. Every machine challenged me and I challenged back. As sweat began to glisten on my hairline and on my chest, I pushed a little harder.

After my work out, I still had a lot of energy. So I walked to the Subway to get my usual turkey wrap.

Uncharacteristic of me, I ordered a diet coke. I don't really drink soda. But it tasted good. And was hitting the spot.
As was walking.

I could have continued to walk all over Los Feliz. But I had some writing to do and I began to head home. But not without going a few blocks out of my way just to exhaust some of the residual workout pump.

I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a window for a yoga studio.

I was smiling.

The air and the walk was energizing me.

I could also feel that what used to motivate me to date the wrong person, or be obsessed with the wrong person was no longer in existence.

Upon realizing this, I smiled harder. I walked stronger.

With every step, the soda made a sloshing sound that became a rhythm that I found a step to.
My own beat.
In a corny symbolic way, my own drum beat.
I was becoming my own drummer.
Just this afternoon, I was talking to rere at work and was making fun of people who are so serious in their written revelations.
"Lighten teh fuck up" I said very judgy.
But corny or not, the symbolism of what becoming my own drummer means to me is not lost on me.

New life is in me.
A new love is on its way.
I feel it and have faith.
And it will be all the things I never thought I deserved before.
And the wrong person will only be a romantic myth that I will write fiction about.
Cuz reality will be so much more fufilling.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:25 PM | Comments (0)

May 03, 2005

It either will work out ...or it won't

Update -
I am better.
Saw Chrisy last night for some dinner.
I spoke a little about my sadness. She pepped me back up.
Then I called Mads once I was home.
She inspired me again.
All is good.

Had to drive out to Van Nuys this am, to see if the collision place will fix my ghetto door handle.
I can only open my car door by rolling down the window and opening it from the outside.
If I get carjacked, the conversation will go something like this:
Car jacker: "Hey MF - open your door!"
Me: "You open it"

Note to universe...this doesn't mean I WANT to attract a car jacker into my life.

Resuming blog in 3, 2, 1...

Okay, so they will order me the parts and blah blah blah it will get fixed.
Just not today.
Which is fine.

I have been doing this new thing where I don't worry about anything.
I just sort of go, "it will always work out"
My dad's less nice mantra is "It will either work out...or it won't"
I want to focus on the "it will work out" portion and drop the other.

And it is weird...lots of shit has been thrown my way this past week, but I didn't worry about it. I took care of it. I didn't focus on it. I just made sure I had my ducks in a row and then I let it go.

Except for my hair. My hair is driving me crazy. It needs to be cut. And colored. And shaped. I have been working so hard every morning to give it some idea of a style. But lately, it always goes back to frizzy rosanadana hair. WHAT??????? HOW??????
I tried braiding it this morning, then little bun pigtails, then Tanya Harding pulled back ponytail (which I wasn't planning on keeping by the way), then twists. Finally I took it down. I look like I am in a 70's movie of the week. Plea to hair....COME ON! Work for me, will ya?
Okay that is the only thing I have been "worrying" about.
Everything else, I am totally just riding the wave and releasing my maniacal control over the things that bombard my skills.

And that seems to be working beautifully.
Plus, I don't have that worry pit in my tummy.
Which means my skirt fits better.
And that is ALWAYS a more preferable option, I think.

Posted by Kirsten at 09:56 AM | Comments (0)

May 02, 2005

Dear Diary

Dear Diary -

I have been feeling very confident and happy lately.
I have been gearing up my life for all good things to come.
And I am living in the moment.
I am grateful for all that I have, instead of looking at what still isn't in my grasp.

But today, I am feeling a little blue. Anxious and insecure even.

Diary, I know this feeling will go away. In fact, I feel that I need to take action to nip this in the bud quickly.
I used to kind of wallow in my pity party as if even though it was painful, it was comfortable.
I don't want to do that anymore.
I want to be able to kick it to the curb because it isn't serving me at all.
But this is new for me and I am still addicted to the wallowing. It is quite a struggle.

Oh Diary, how I wish I can get my confidence back sooner than later.
If you can just send me a little strength at the moment, I would appreciate it.

Okay...this is all the energy I will give to it.

Hopefully, right after I send this, I will be back in the saddle of strength and moving forward.

Peace out.

Posted by Kirsten at 04:54 PM | Comments (0)

May 01, 2005

Coachella took my friends away...

I love weekends like this. Relaxed, social, able to accomplish a lot but still feel like I rested.

Was supposed to see a tribute Jeff Buckley band Friday night with the potential to also see my writing partner perform in her improv group at Improv olympic.
Both things didn't happen as I worked out and then met up with the gang to welcome Mads's out of town guests from London.
El Coyote my friends.
And then on to the Snake Pit where we met up with more friends.

Yesterday I slept in which felt great.

And with practically everyone I know taking off to Coachella this weekend, I was planning to do some writing and some errands.

Went to coffee with Claire to BH (Le Pain Quotidien). It was such a lovely day and it is always fun to catch up with Claire.
We talked and drank coffee, and went window shopping which turned into a little bit of real shopping.

Then when I was settling in for the evening, I get a call from my friend Sarge. He and his friend Meegan were eager to continue the party they had started in the afternoon. I joined them at Meegan's and we talked and drank and talked and drank.
It was fun.
Sarge just came back from a rock and roll tour of Europe. He is such a rock star that one.

This morning, I am meeting Carrie for brunch and then on to see the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

But not before I cruised Myspace to see what my former boss (big name director's girlfriend) who is such a myspace whore I can barely stand it. But I read it so I can feel better about myself. I know it is not a healing, zen way to be but fuck it, baby steps to zen masterdom.

Oh and boyboss is quitting his position of 7 years to move into a production position of less prestige.

I have outlasted the pair of bosses who hired me. Crazy.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:45 AM | Comments (0)