I had one of those days yesterday when you are face to face with the ugliest parts of your personality. The parts you would like to change if only you could but try as you might you realize that just might be your personality and maybe unable to change. Which depressed me because as I try and find my place in the world, I find how far I have come, but still how far I miss the mark of where I would like to be.
Then I talked to my friend Mads and she made it all okay.
Made me not feel so hard on myself and also see a new way of thinking that I wasn't raised with and that is hard for me to adopt.
Except through seeing her do it, I am learning that I can too.
And just like that...I was better again. And I didn't feel so isolated from myself.
I also watched the Ramones "End of the Century". I cried when it mentioned Dee Dee Ramones's heroine OD.
Great great film.
It brings up the question for me (which I have been asking for years)...why do some people become the trademark?
What is it about THAT particular grouping of people which brings something completely new? Why them? Why then? Why not someone else?
Joe Strummer's interview in the film mentions that the likelihood of the members of the Ramones (just like the likelihood of the members of the Beatles) coming together at that particular moment, creating that particular maverick sound was not good. It had to be divine intervention.
It also brought up the idea that when you are in a seminal band, you may never see what the world sees ABOUT you.
You may never understand your influence on the world.
You almost become an idea that is beyond you.
But you are still human.
And you still have to deal with your demons.
And that is what I find so interesting about these kind of stories.
The difference between influential genius and creative human being...can be huge or a tiny step...but in the end, that tiny step if it continues to gap you (the person) from you (the perception), is as large as the universe if you never find your own place.
And I wish for everyone, including influential geniuses to find their place in the world. It is necessary to the human condition.
In my humble opinion.
The night was hot and uncomfortable yesterday.
Sleeping almost felt like a chore.
Imagine...sleeping? A chore?
I woke up to a hot blazing sun upon my face.
Yucky.
I ran some errands and saw Joanie and Buddy.
Hadn't been in my old hood in awhile and it was amazing to feel how far I have come since I moved from there (which was my first year in LA).
Then I met up with Mads and Zapato at Swingers.
Jazzy joined us.
I needed food badly.
We all did.
The girls had a very good bad-girl night.
I wouldn't have had the energy last night to keep up with them.
I begin to wonder if this spell I have on me is causing my demagnet feeling when I go out.
But no time to wonder that.
As we leave Swingers, a tall handsome man in a cowboy hat approaches us. And says to me that he would like to do my hair.
He calls himself The Hair Cowboy.
Zapato says she has heard of him.
Mads tells me to go for it.
I tell him I have other things to do.
He asks what.
I don't have an answer.
So right there on Beverly, The Hair Cowboy cuts my hair.
He said he noticed me when we walked in.
I have a lot of hair.
And he told me that for $20 he could make me look like a different person.
I ask if I am on a hidden camera show.
A friend of Mads walks up and takes a picture of me.
I can't really see him since my hair is in my face as the Hair Cowboy flips my hair back and forth with his magic comb.
His dad is from Africa and his mom is Italian.
He has the most beautiful eyes.
His real name is Kanu Saul.
My hair is all over the sidewalk and his shirt as he cuts like edward scissorhands.
He feels my tense energy.
He asks me my sign.
Then he asks if anyone is a sagitarius.
Not one of us.
I don't really get along with many sag-es so I am not really too disappointed.
He is a Libra and I guess his birthday.
I am a day off.
He seems impressed.
But I really just picked Mads's birthday.
Now they have an instant bond. As people do when they meet someone with the same astrological sign.
He is a perfectionist and keeps finding new stray hairs that look frizzy.
I tell him that my hair IS frizzy.
People walk by and say, "He is cutting her hair on the street" in a tone that could have read, "They are FUCKING on the street!"
I am quite uncomfortable as I don't have a mirror and I can't really read the faces of my friends.
But when he is done, he kisses us all on the cheeks. He thought Mads was European. Which prompts a slight debate in the car since i am half european and he didn't say it about me. Mads said that she is half european since that is where her mom's ancestors are from.
She has a point.
But I am feeling argumentative.
Could be the heat. Or my nerves of standing in the sun and having a stranger cut my hair.
But as we leave the Hair Cowboy, I smile and wonder if I came off friendly at all to him since I was a little nervous about the whole event.
My hair looks great.
I got his number.
He gave me a discount for the next time I see him.
It was the best street haircut I have ever gotten.
It is like I have been in a boat, a slow moving boat. And I am being told that "Things are going to get crazy and rocky like going over a waterfall."
I have been told this for awhile.
Okay for 3 years.
From psychics.
Hey don't judge.
Some people pray. Whatever. I do my thing. You do yours.
And I have been mad because all the pyschics said the same things.
Except that things never "got crazy". They did get rocky but essentially, rocky in the same boring way.
And I resented boredom. I couldn't be present in what was happening because I was consumed with a future that was promised but which was never delivered.
Which led to more anxiety.
Except that right now, it is like I feel the waterfall which I have been hearing about.
I feel the pull. I hear the water rushing.
And I no longer feel the need to stand up in the boat screaming "What the fuck? Why with all the paddling and engineering of a motor, with all I do, is this taking so long?"
No longer feel the need.
The roller coaster is really near.
And I am being drawn to things left and right that are no longer coincidence (not like I believe in coincidence anyway) but are all building blocks leading to the next person I meet or next experience I have. It is all starting to make sense.
Sure, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but lately, a cigar means something leading to something else.
And that is so exciting.
I am trying not to get freaked out about it either.
I just went to a book reading of Chuck Klosterman for his book, "Killing Yourself to Live"
I now have to read the book.
But more than that. This guy was inspiring my mind to think about pop culture in a way I have never been able to put into words.
He is really smart. And fucking funny.
And before anyone asks, I did not have my usual person-in-charge crush. This was pure admiration on a level of being taught a new way to think or create.
I can't really explain it except that I wasn't self conscious in the reading sizing myself up against the others wondering who is the poser and who is the fan and who is a peer of his and where I fit in with relation to everyone.
Nope, I was totally in the moment.
Which signifies to me that I am really close to the waterfall.
And I am hanging tight and finally noticing how comfy the seat is.
What I am saying is that I am finally fucking present.
And I never knew I was on my way to NOW.
My sister told me something funny that my nephew said.
They were talking about a woman is also half american/ half german (like my nephew) and he asked her if the woman speaks both languages.
My sister said: Yes, but her german is better than her english
My nephew: Not like mine. My english is more gooder than everyone's, huh mommy?
From the mouths of babes. Bi-lingual, cocky 5 year old babes.
Weekend was quite quiet.
I slept a lot of it. Which was good.
Met up with Mads and Zapato at the store to buy some tp and laundry detergent and wound up being blessed with 2 stylists (count it...2!) who kept finding me clothes. I still got a great deal but spent more than I had planned. But damn, I am starting to dress like I have a sense of style more and more.
Look at me fakin it.
I took a short nap which turned into a long one (like all night) and missed Merlin's party as well as another MOCA bash with Mads, Jazzy and Zapato.
Bummer that one.
But it is all good. I slept.
It must have worked because the next day Mads and I were in the mutual admiration club continually telling the other we were glowing.
Oh and I saw the 40 year old virgin. I liked it a lot.
I love seth rogan.
It was a very sweet and raunchy film.
Oh yes, and if you ever feel like you are under someone's spell, you might actually be.
I found out that I was under one myself. Hmmphf. Crazy that.
This morning I checked my vm at 7:30am and saw that I had a message from 4:30am.
I was torn between excitement at a call from the east coast and annoyance that ANYONE, east coast or otherwise wouldn't think twice at calling me at 4:30am.
Alas, it was a wrong number.
But it made me sad.
It was an old lady with a feeble voice.
"Charlene, I know it is early, but I wanted to make sure that your son picked me up. I guess he is on his way. I will just sit here and wait for him until he comes. Okay, bye bye"
No number to call her back.
The caller ID read "Blocked caller"
I hope someone picked her up.
It made me sad.
Unless she is crazy.
My grandmother in Holland got like that in her last days.
She would wake up in the middle of the night and make tea and then call her nurses and invite them over.
She still had her wits about her. Her body clock was off.
ON a lighter note...I am seeing the 40 year old virgin tonight. His name is Todd.
Oh you thought I meant the film?
Sillies.
Saw the Basquiat exhibit on Sunday before the tea.
Saw Busy Phillips there. Which kind of completed my whole 3 degrees of Apatow, Rothman, Feig type weekend.
This was before I got sick.
Or in the middle of my sick.
Took monday and tuesday off to recuperate.
But I never did seem to get more energy.
I can't eat.
Which is kind of good for the figure.
I am back down to my pre-Vegas weight.
But my diet coach is selling her gym. Which makes me sad.
Don't know if I will stay.
I am still a member of the Y cuz I love it so.
I glad to be back at work and among the living.
Being sick can do a number on you mentally.
Had a good talk with Mads last night.
She is going to the Hollywood Bowl tonight.
I am going to see Evren at the M Bar. Where I saw Rodney Rothman and Paul Feig talk about their show that never was. It is all still coming full circle.
Life can be so cyclical sometimes.
All I had planned this weekend was to go to tea on Sun and to get a pedicure on Sat.
My pedicure gal was out of town and all the subsequent plans continued to go awry.
Carrie and I were supposed to go the gym but I was still feeling the effects of having a fever friday night.
We ate at Figaro (which even though the coffee is good, the service blows) and came to life a bit more.
I met Mads in Larchmont shortly thereafter.
Later in the eve, I went with Mads and Gamby to the M Bar to see "The Other Netword"'s bevy of shows that never aired.
Rodney Rothman's "Early Bird" and Judd Apatow's "North Hollywood" were both shows I would have loved to have seen on television.
But alas, they won't air there, so they aired on the Other Network thank god.
We had a good time.
Sunday morning, Mads and I continued our crazy spending ways and went to breakfast.
While waiting for our table, I noticed a guy waiting for a girl.
She arrived.
Me: "Mads, you can tell this is a new relationship."
Mads: "How?"
Me: "Because he is still interested in her"
Mads: "Ouch, that is a little cynical"
Me: "And he has a hard on after hugging her. I bet they haven't really done much physically"
Mads: "Okay, you REALLY didn't need to point that out to me at all"
I laughed.
Me: "I have to point that stuff out because it makes me laugh."
Mads bought a beautiful chinese dresser from a yard sale. After she put her money down, others showed an interest in it.
Oh no too slow. HA.
We went on to the Basquiat exhibit at MOCA. Then on to tea at the Biltmore.
Jazzy had a funny story. As she was coming to meet us for tea, she asked a homeless guy if he knew where the Biltmore was. He didn't say, "I don't know". He actually knew. After his convulted directions, she gave him some money, thanked him and followed his directions.
Turns out, he was on the corner of the Biltmore and sent her on a wild goose chase.
"How do you not know you are in front of the place you are giving crazy directions to? I mean, he had a lot of stuff there. It wasn't like he was just walking. Well, maybe he just moved. Maybe he is normally down a couple of blocks and was confused about his new surroundings."
Poor Jazzy. Tea was nice. Nat said, "I seriously too butch for this" which was funny cuz she isn't butch at all in her little white dress.
But I knew what she meant. eating little cucumber sandwiches and drinking tea is a little like being an old lady.
I drank a latte. I had to. I am addicted to coffee.
There was a baby there too that looked kind of like me and we had a connection. When she smiled, my heart just got warm. She was sooo cute. And I don't normally like babies. But Mads's theory is that I like babies that look like me.
Maybe she is right.
We all disbanded and Mads and Jazzy and I ended up at the Standard downtown to the roof pool party.
It was crazy. I felt like I walked into a cocaine party in the 80's. The view was amazing. the crowd was entertaining. There were belly dancers and the men who love them.
We hit it after awhile because Mads and Jazzy needed to meet Zapato at Jones. I bowed out. I am still feeling pretty crummy health wise.
But after a weekend of not having many plans, the weekend unfolded with a number of nice surprises.
I am home.
Portland - wonderful.
The bride - beautiful.
My niece and nephew - hysterical.
The weather - divine.
My mom - uber generous.
Meeting my old friends - a needed grounding.
The feeling of being back in LA with the life I have carved out and feel very proud of - priceless.
Vacations are a wonder for the soul.
And going home is sometimes wonderful too.
I went to LAX Friday night after work.
I trained the temp as best i could but really, I could have cared less if she understood what I was saying.
I am normally really good at training but my mind was elsewhere and I was just not in the mood to go slowly.
Hope she does well.
I arrived around 10:30 on a flight that lasted shorter than 3 hours. And yet, it felt like a long flight.
I noticed a girl and a boy who thought were maybe traveling co-workers. I thought she may have a crush on him because she was all googly eyed for him.
Turns out, they are dating.
But it was pathetic to watch because she was in it for keeps and he was in it for possibly the weekend.
I tried to figure out what EXACTLY it was about her that seemed so desparate.
I still can't put my finger on it.
At first I felt compassion for her because HEY, we have all been there.
But then as I was getting off the plane I couldn't help but roll my eyes and she endlessly giggled at his lame jokes and stared at him as he stared at the hotter girl two rows up.
Oy.
Seeing my mom was good.
We went to bed and Sat morning I was greeted to amazing Oregon summer weather.
We picked up my car at Enterprise, where the Enterprise guy was totally flirting with me. He was adorable if not a little too young.
This, I thought, bodes well for this trip.
Then I took my mom to breakfast and then manicures.
It was nice.
My manicure lady Tammy asked me if I have ever met Vin Diesel in LA.
That is her dream man. I told her I would keep her in mind if I ever met him.
Sat eve, I met up with DDub and we went to an area of Portland that used to be up and coming and now is Up and Here.
We ate outside and had amazing pesto dishes and spinach salad.
Then we went back to her home and sang at the piano for several hours.
Yesterday was the wedding.
The ceremony was at a church in the west hills (you may perhaps recall a mention of the west hills in a song from a band called everclear)
It was a beautiful ceremony and quite funny at times.
The priest was the most progressive I have ever heard. A lot of what he said, I actually took to heart and was like, He is just talking to me?
I saw several people i hadn't seen in a long time.
It was a lot of fun. ANd I danced like a mo fo.
On the way home, I was a little nostalgic for the slower pace and the fact that most people I knew there were now married and have homes that they are fixing up.
And i wondered if maybe had I stayed, that wouldn't be life too.
Like a lot of the guys there were CUTE and NICE. And really into their wives whom I had acted with in plays.
This morning, however, I came to my senses and realized that this is precisely what visiting is for. To see people at their best, touch back in with them, and then continue your life.
I went to my old work today and saw several people I needed to catch up with.
Then on to lunch with Sam.
He has always encouraged me to stay in LA. Even when I was unemployed for so long the year of the writers strike and 9/11.
And I am glad I listened to him.
Portland is great and I loved my life then. But I love my life in LA even more now.
I just need to infuse it with more creativity like I had in Portland. Just do it and not be scared of the competition.
But hey, my vacation is only half way begun. My mom is picking up my sister and two kids at the airport right now from their flight from Germany.
Now it is family time and I am soooo excited to see their little faces.
And I am sure after 2 days with them, I will love my single, apartment dwelling, coffee bean latte drinking life even more.
Do you ever notice how people become confident, cocky even when they are chewing gum?
I do it. I have seen it. People start to feel sexier and like their voice is important (even if what they are saying really isn't).
I wonder why.
Maybe something to do with the mouth and everyone looking at it.
I tend to snap my gum. I like doing it but I forget that I am.
I get annoyed when others do.
And others get annoyed when I do.
During Schindlers List, I snapped my gum throughout the really gritty parts according the annoyed friend I went with.
I can't blame her.
But really, she could have said something DURING the film.
I would have thrown my gum out.
But snapping it... I don't think I CAN quit that.
Because it makes me feel sexy and cocky.
And sometimes I like feeling that way.