November 29, 2005

Holiday Time Has Begun

Turkey day was great.
Was in San Diego and Mads and Zappy came to join me for a day.
My dad took us out on the boat and we ended up at a bar for a resort and drank tropical drinks per the locale (tiki torches, palm trees, sunset)

It was fun.

On Friday, Rondie and I braved the crowds to buy stuff for my sister and her family in Germany. We wanted to buy early so we could send it to her before Christmas. The funny thing was that there were no crowds. I think all the waiters-in-line at 2am who got in brawls were where most of the crowds were. The rest of the day kind of was ho hum. But we weren't at the malls so maybe they would tell you a different story.

Sat night was Nat's birthday at El Coyote. There were two other birthday parties and whenever we would hear the staff sing "Happy Birthday Ponchita", we would get all up in arms.
Then Nat would scream "32!!!!!"
Nat's parties tend to be long and rectangular and depending on where you sit, you may not even know certain people were at the party.
I met some nice people in my quad section.
Then we went out to the bungalow club which may feel like a different club depending on the night you go.
The night we went, was Club Scene Hell.
And Mads looked at me like, "there is nothing here for us". True true.
And we weren't dressed in club attire...whatever that would look like.
We weren't it.

I hated coming back to work. I was fighting a cold all weekend and since the crisp air here in LA makes you want to put a big fuzzy robe on, drink a large latte (or cocoa) and watch DVD's, the idea of work was disgusting.

But what are you gonna do?

I am just so happy that Dane Cook agreed to be my friend on Myspace.
So things are good.

Posted by Kirsten at 09:51 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

?? For the Ages

Is it worse if your ex-boyfriend replaces you with an ugly woman or a more beautiful woman? I am still trying to figure it out. I guess both beat him replacing you with an ugly or a beautiful man.

Posted by Kirsten at 09:40 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 23, 2005

Every Color of the Rainbow...sort of

Last night was Girl's Night Out.
Which is a weird thing to say when every night with your girlfriends is girl's night out.
But last night felt fun.
Maybe because of the holiday and knowing that I will be off from work for 4 days. But it was fun.

Met Mads, Jazzy and Zappy at El Coyote. We laughed and talked and praised each other for looking hot.
And we felt hot.
We talked about Jazzy's new kitten, Charlie.
And we talked about dating (natch)
And we talked about travel. How Mads and I had an amazing trip to Portland and Seattle 2 years ago Thanksgiving.
And how Jazzy will go to Portland in January.
And we talked about the holidays.
Until the security guard with all the charm of a stone said, "Ladies? We are closed"
We tried to decide if we would carry the party further.
Which we did.
To the bar that we now have renamed, "Bar where they check you out and stare, but do nothing until you leave...then they yell 'Hi'"
Yes, it is a long name to give a bar, but that is what always happens there.
The bartender (an old man of 70) told us how we was in drag 30 years ago in a play where he pretended to be a woman to Bob Denver's man so Bob Denver's character could get an apartment.
The gist was this man, Michael, found out he had beautiful legs when wearing heels.
Aw...the power of the heel.
We all know it and have felt it.
And now 70 year old Michael, Bartender who makes a smooth Irish coffee, knew it too.
He did Mae West impressions for us.
"When I am good, I am very very good...and when I am bad, I am even better."
We laughed.
Maybe it was funny. Maybe it was the Irish Coffee.
There was a guy that I zoomed in on as soon as we walked in.
Mads said, "I know which one is your type."
And she picked the guy.
I asked her if it was because she could tell I got googly eyed for him and she said, "NO. I just know you. He is your type."
Then she said, "I noticed after I thought that, how you were checking him out. You did this"
And she proceeded to imitate my look of interest (with the same humorous accuracy that Naomi had when imitating Tyra's cat walk on Tyra's show last week).
I laughed.

The men then got up from their table and came to the bar and ordered more drinks.
They didn't really give us eye contact. Well one did, but he wore a wedding ring.
I whispered to Mads, "I think they may be gay."
"Clearly they are gay, I mean look at us. we are every color of the rainbow."
And as she said it, she realized, we are all white. Jazzy looks part Asian but really, we are all caucasian. Hardly a rainbow at all.
Without skipping a beat, she added "...well wait a minute...he probably likes black woman"
I laughed so hard.
If he wasn't gay, he was interested in whoever we weren't.
It eased our minds. And of course as the night wore on, the men came closer. But never talked to us.
We were flanked by men who would smile and stare but who would only talk to you when you leave and even then, all they would yell is "hi".
Which they did.
Which is why we named the bar that.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:23 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

I Didn't Get It

I rented a movie from Netflix that I haven't been able to find anywhere else.
I saw it years ago and I think that I love love loved it.
The last scene especially.
It is Sandra Bernhard's "Without You I'm Nothing". She has an incredible singing voice and the last scene has her wrapped up in an American Flag singing a slow version of Prince's "Little Red Corvette".
I saw the film once back then and had her version of the song imprinted in my brain. After she sings it, she takes off the flag and dances nude (with the exception of a flag thong covering her girl parts and having pasties covering her nips). I remember her version of the song to be fuckin gorgeous.
So when I saw it on Netflix, I HAD to jump at the chance.

That year, I lived in Newport Beach. I took a year off of school to live with my dad and earn money by working at a tennis club. I was starved for an edge in that pristine land o'money.
I wore my dad's flannel to work because I thought it felt grunge worthy.
I went to see art exhibits like the Piss Christ. I started a band with a guy at work who looked like Rod Stewart. And I started to fall in love with Independent movies. I saw Jesus of Montreal and several other that I can't remember now. This all parlayed into my love of art house films that I developed later at the university when I would see Delicatessen and Truffaut films, and One Night on Earth, etc.

But so back to Sandra B and her movie.
So I start to watch it.
And it does not resonate with me at all.
Where were the scenes I loved so much?
She sings through it and her voice is even lovelier than I remember.
But I didn't get it.
Now working on a one woman show, I have a different sense of what goes into it.
And I have a different palate for things that I feel work and things I feel are just useless.
I did not understand her show.
At all.
Don't get me wrong, there were still parts that I liked. I thought she would tell a great story and then BAM, we were off into the land of "WHAT?" again.
When the last scene approached, I was all excited.
So many years, I waited to see this scene.
The weird thing was that her voice was pretty but not as amazing in that song as I remembered.
But I remembered her version exactly. Every note. Like I said, it was imprinted on my brain.

Her dance number was good. She moves really well. And as I watched her amazing body paired up with that face that really looks like play-dough (and not in a good way), I wondered how she didn't seem to have any blemishes on her body at all. And the freedom with which she danced was impressive.
But the movie was not.
And I realized how my tastes have changed.

I was most impressed at how something that had resonated with me with just one viewing could plant itself so directly into my brain. And that even though my memory of the film being great had changed, my memory of the song had not.

Thank god for Netflix though. One less thing to romanticize in my old age.

Posted by Kirsten at 10:34 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 21, 2005

Pluto is sooo Last Century

We are in Mercury Retrograde right now.
Everyone is in a panic.
They come to me and to rere to find out how long this will last.

I just walked into a conversation at work where everyone was feeling the effects of the planet of communication going backwards.

Then we all started to give out-there theories about life and what we believe to be true and how something can be outside our grasp of understanding and what that would mean.

Then I brought up the parking lot attendant that Rere spoke to once who told her that the sun is the light and we are constantly moving towards it. And every planet you live on brings you closer to that light.
And maybe when we get to Venus, we will see things about life on other planets that we somehow couldn't see while living on earth.

When Rere asked him about that, his only answer was: "Thank god I am not still on Pluto."

That made us all laugh.

Why just this afternoon, I thought the very same thing. Thank god indeed.

Posted by Kirsten at 06:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The Man of My Coffee Dreams

I went to the dentist this morning for a deep cleaning.
I didn't know I would have to get a shot of anestheisa to have it done. It jangled my nerves a bit because outside of cramps, I have no tolerance for pain.
Wait, I don't tolerate my cramps well either.
So, I am a big baby when it comes to pain.

But the cleaning went well. I wasn't supposed to drink any liquids for an hour.
But I went to starbucks anyway to get the latte I would drink later.

I got my latte and was just about to leave. Because of the novacaine, I looked like a stroke patient. And my underwear were too tight. Wrong choice this morning. Something wasn't right.
So I decided to lay low. Not cause attention to my disfigured face and my pantylined butt.

And just as I am about to leave, a very cute man bumps into me.
My coffee foam goes everywhere. All over my top and my sweater and the floor.
He is extremely apologetic and I am still stunned trying to muster, "It's okay" while really making sure I will not have coffee stains all day.

I help him clean up the floor and he is like, "Oh no, Let me get that. I am soooo sorry."
Then I notice him clean his pants and I realize he got some on him.
I ask if he is okay.
It is at that moment, I see how cute he is and that this might be how I meet my lover/husband/boyfriend. etc...
I notice he has a glop of foam on his hair. It really looks like cum and I have to suppress laughter.
"You have some in your hair"
He darts his hand all over his hair and some how misses the locale.
I get a napkin and am wiping his hair.
It is very intimate.
As intimate as you can be in front of 20 people waiting in line and waiting for their coffee orders.

He apologizes again and dashes out the door. I am stunned as I realize he is gone and along with my chances of dating him or finding out his name (David?)

I go to my purse which was still on the counter and I start to leave.
A woman in line is smiling as she tells me that I also have a glop of cum looking foam in my hair. Well, those weren't her exact words but...
And just like the man, I am grabbing anywhere where it isn't.
I finally find it and it is dripping down the front of my straightened locks.

I finally get it all out and everyone kind of is like, "You look great" , "All gone", "You are fine now".

I take a bow and thank everyone, wondering HMPH, no one cleaned my hair.
How so not intimate.
But it made me smile.
And an hour later I drank my latte and made sure I didn't get any on me.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 20, 2005

Mall Dating Goes Awry

So I go to have brunch with my friend Maddy (different from Mads) at the Grove this morning.
The restaurant was in between the Grove and the Farmer's Market so it was hard to tell which parking the restaurant validated.
I parked at the Grove structure and the place we ate validated parking for the Farmer's Market.
So I went with Maddy to return something at Victoria's Secret in the hopes they would validate.
The girls were all perky when they said, "Um no we only vaildate on a purchase."

But then Maddy ended up buying something so I resumed my validation quest from that Secretive Victoria.

The even perkier response from the same girl was, "Um, we actually don't validate. But Barnes and Noble does. And you don't even have to wait in line, they will just validate for you."


Maddy and I walked into B & N and the cute man behind the counter smiled at us. I asked if he could validate and just as he was walking over to do it, he caught sight of the Victoria's Secret bag that Maddy toted. His demeanor changed dramatically.
He still validated but it came with a warning, "Yeah, we only validate with purchase. I will do it this time but next time you know that no matter what they told you at Victoria's Secret, we just don't validate like that."


Maddy and I assumed that perky lingerie girl dated cool, cute book guy and in the throes of passion, he told her that she would never have to wait in line again to validate her parking. Cut to a week later when she denies him comments on Myspace and she is getting back together with her boyfriend. So naturally, cute book guy is mad. But not so mad that he didn't validate...only mad enough to let me know that it would never happen again.

Poor Book Guy. If only he could have that strength with lingerie girl.

Maddy and I are writing a sketch about it. It will be so funny. You just wait. You will laugh your asses off. Like we did talking about it.

Posted by Kirsten at 06:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 17, 2005

A Code to Communicate with the Aliens

Last night at 11:11, I looked at the clock.
Then I thought, how weird to be the kid born on 11/11/11 at 11:11.
That will be a special kid.
When I lived in Switzerland, they thought that 22:22 (which is 10:22pm) was special. But there is no 22nd month, so I think 11:11 is more special.

Posted by Kirsten at 04:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 15, 2005

You Can Pick Your Friends

Look, we all have our story.
The thing that keeps us bound to our past.
The thing we truly believe as to why the world works for or against us.
But you move forward when you change your story.
Which I have been working on for ages.

Slowly, every day, I notice that the story is changing.
Last night, Mads took Zapato and me out for a wonderful evening of talking.
The waitress was stunning and I complimented her on her perfume.
After she walked away, I mentioned that she had the most beautiful skin I had ever seen and I wonder how she gets it like that.
Zapato agreed that she was stunning.
Mads made a joke that I wanted to be her.
I think I started quoting from SWF.
Yes, that would have been creepy had I continued in that vein.
Mads, Zappy and I were not at a loss for words last night.
After the food was gone and the bill had been paid, teh conversation continued on about anything and everything. It was wonderful.
I admire Zappy for what she has been through and what she does to challenge herself. She has accomplished a lot.
I adore Mads because she is our glue that binds us all to sanity. And she is one of the most generous people I have ever met.
It was an inspiring evening. There was a free flow of ideas. No judgments, no mocking...okay a little mocking...but if you can't laugh at yourself, then your friends will. HA.
And on a night like last night, surrounded by this kind of friendship, changing my story will be all that easier.

Posted by Kirsten at 10:58 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 11, 2005

The Wild Coyote Howled Last Night

So much drama in my apartment last night.
I live in a pretty quiet building of fewer than 15 units.
There is a manager on site and everyone is pretty private.
We say hello and stuff but we don't hang out like Melrose Place.

There is a man that lives across from me named Stan. He is a nice man.
An actor who also does construction. He used to go on long trips and then return. When he was gone, he would sublet his place out to friends.
I don't think he had permission.
But being a quiet building, we all kept quiet.
It's like, do what you want as long as you don't involve me or hurt me.

No one likes Stan.
Because when he drinks, he becomes a raging loud mouthed alcoholic.
He comes home in the wee hours screaming and stomping.

Once the neighbor below me told me that I must have been scared when Stan climbed the front wall near my window.
Being a heavy sleeper, I felt stupid realizing that I never heard the morning that Stan came home and couldn't find his keys so he decided to climb up the wall onto the balcony that both our apartments share. But he didn't climb up his side, he climbed up my side. I never heard it.
But the neighbor below said that he thought I had heard since he heard me get up shortly thereafter. Note to less of a heavy sleeper for when burglar climbs up my wall, I can wake up before he gets in...not after.

Anyhoo...there was another night when Stan was so loud. He was out front and hit a trash can with his car and knocked all the garbage out of it. Then he got in a shouting match with his drinking buddy.

Stan has been gone awhile.
He has allowed a quiet subletter (his son who is hot) to live there.
Again, no one has complained because the son is quiet and doesn't use the hallway as his personal pacing ground for talking on the phone.
Plus...he is hot.
And young...leading me to unholy thoughts with a youngin (don't give me that look...he is legal...sheesh...He can even buy alcohol...)

Well, imagine my surprise when last night, while eating (glory hallelujah, I am eating again) I hear the familiar loud roar that is Stan. I smell the cigarette smoke that is Stan and his buddies.

As I have in the past, I ignore it all. Stan has always been nice to me and to be honest, it is all a little thrilling in such a small quiet building. Plus, I don't share a wall or a ceiling with him...just a hallway and a balcony which actually buffers me the most from his antics.

In watching all the Nip/Tuck dvds (catching up on season 2 don't ya know), I failed to notice that is was 12:30am. I could hear a cafauffel (sp) out in the hall. What would lead a mild mannered middle aged woman who lives next door to him to start screaming, "You are a terrible neighbor" and other accoutrements? Stan would lead her to do that. And he started screaming back.
I stood there like Mrs. Kravitz looking through the peep hole at the whole event.

He apologized fakely and she stormed off to complain to the manager.
Who then came down to talk to him.
It was 1am by this point.
I didn't want to tear myself away from Dr. Troy, but I had a soap opera of my own unfolding.
As soon as the manager walked away and he fakely apologized to her too, he went back in his apartment and started howling like a coyote and stomping his feet.

I could hear that the entire building was awake. I half expected everyone to come up to our end of the hall like angry villagers and run him out.

But they didn't.

I do, however, think that may have been Stan's last night in the building.

I fell asleep around 2 am and woke up feeling pretty good now that I was able to eat.

I wonder what will happen to night....on the next installment of
"The Quiet Building".

Posted by Kirsten at 10:45 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 09, 2005


I don't know why I chose to fast.
Maybe it was because of Magicat's partying ways.
Or maybe because I know the holidays are coming.
I know many people who have been on this fast and have come out the other end looking fabulously glowing.
I have tried this fast once.
I lasted a day and a half.
And I am not even sure if that is the whole truth or the one I believed at the time.
The real way to do the fast is to do it for 10-13 days.
After 3 days, your body cleanses its organs.
I thought the 3 days sounded reasonable.
But a guy at work was like, "Well, since you haven't really done it before, you should do it for 5 days"
I was all, "I can totally do this for 5 days"

But I was wrong.
I am hungry.
Not low in energy at all but I have a grumbly tummy. And I don't feel better as others have felt doing this.
I feel the same...only hungrier.
And I don't know if it is because it is my time of the month or if it is because of the rain outside but I want to eat eat eat.

So, I gave my organs a chance to clean themselves out.
Sure, it would probably do me good to go for a few more days.
But you know what?
I don't wanna.
So tomorrow I drink the requisite orange juice for half a day and then soup.
And after that...REAL FOOD!

Posted by Kirsten at 05:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 07, 2005

The Art of Crashing

Gas prices are coming down.
The weather is a little cooler, allowing me to wear my overcoat that makes me look sharp.
Shopgirl was good. I really liked it.
After the movie let out at the Arclight, Mads and I were walking around and we saw a party.
Being the instigator she is but having taught me to always dress to be ready for ANYthing, she said, "Let's see if we can get into this party".
We walked up and the first guy said, "Are you here for the premiere?"
We both said yes.
So he let us in to the next guy who held the list.
Mads gave her name.
He didn't find it (SHOCKER!)
I was her plus 1.
So he writes her name down and lets us through.
The power of confidence my friends.
It was a premiere party for the Felicity Huffman film where she plays a transsexual.
We didn't know that until we were deep inside the party.
I saw the cast of the Apprentice there.
It was surreal.
We ate the food and drank the drinks.
And then after putting in some good face time, we split.
And laughed.
We had mastered the art of crashing with confidence and kids, it was powerful.

Posted by Kirsten at 10:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 06, 2005

The Days Between Friday and Monday

Weekend recap...
Friday night, went to Largo to see Jon Brion with Mads and Jazzy.
That man is amazing. He becomes possessed by the music and it really looks like something is moving through him.
I enjoyed it and was truly facinated by him.
It was a long night.
And we left at the break and it was only midnight.
He was going to have a whole other set.
Don't have a clue how he does it but maybe the music moves him on.

Saturday, I met Mads and Zapato for brunch after I got my hair done.
It was so about time too because I was looking pretty scrappy with my roots and all.
In the evening, it was time to party at Evren's and Jax's house out in the valley.
It was a good time. Jax had made pizza from scratch and Evren was making very strong Manhattans which I did not drink.
I sipped a wine and called it good.
It took way too long to get over last week's bender.

This morning, I went to class and realized I am still so far away from knowing what I want from my one woman show.
The good news is that the others in the class who have been with me from the beginning are feeling similarly.
We were like, "At this rate, we will need a level 48, before we finally get our shows up and running."
I joked that I take the class to keep telling people that I am writing a one woman show, but have no intention of actually finishing it.
We all laughed.
But I truly wondered if that wasn't really the truth.
I need to get down to it this week with my writing.

I will have time though since I am starting the master cleanse fast tomorrow. I am doing it for only 5 days rather than the requisite 10 days.
I have only ever gone 2 days into it. But that was before I had done any 6 week challenges.

This weekend, I also bemoaned being continuously broke.
But when I found I was in good company with my creative bretheren, I sort of felt better.
Not in a misery loves company way, but more in a I am keeping great company way.

After class, I met up with Mads and Mama Mads for coffee at the Alcove. There we saw Jessica Biehl.
I have never thought she was pretty. I know that recently she was voted sexiest by some magazine.
I have to say that in person, she is really really pretty.
She had a big dog that blocked the walkway and everytime we tried to walk by, she would try and move him but he wouldn't budge. It was funny actually. Not a dog I would have pictured her with. Like a bulldog or something.

There are a couple of actresses who I think are prettier in person than I would ever imagine.
One is Jessica. The other is Nicolette Sheridan who was at the Halloween party last week. But I didn't recognize her. She introduced herself with another name and she looked so tiny and young in her pirate costume, I had no idea she was standing in front of me.
But she was stunning.
Gorgeous skin and pretty eyes.

Well, I am off to see ShopGirl. I read the book and didn't like it but I think I will like the movie. I am not sure why.
I will let you know if I am right.

Posted by Kirsten at 06:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 04, 2005

The Past Comes Today

Sometimes I think if I were to be paid for my super sleuth internet ways of finding people, I could be a zillionaire.

I once located which hotel my favorite band was staying in just by asking the front desk for the first name in the "thank you's" off their debut album.
It was heaven. I felt empowered. Like I could uncover anything. And that was even before I used the internet. The internet has made me into a obsessed-for-information monster that must be fed by google.

I met a guy once in a bar. He told me his nick name and the movie he had worked on which had a weird name.
Not only did I find him and his resume, I found a website that an ex-girlfriend had tributed to him.

Oh yes, I am wily when I want information on something or someone.

Sometimes it pays off and most times it doesn't.

But a few weeks ago, I was reminiscing of my time as an exchange student in Switzerland. There was another american in my program who invited me to spend the winter break with her host family at a ski resort. It was one of the most fabulous trips I have ever taken.
I have been trying to find that american who was my friend that year, but we lost touch a year or so after our return to the states.
In fact, I lost touch with all the americans from that year.
But recently, I remembered that her host family had a son.
I have been trying to locate them as well but was unable to.
Suddenly, I see a website for a photographer with the same name as the son.
I click the photo.
And lo and behold, there he was.
I emailed him to make sure and if it was the right guy, that I was always fond of the memories his parents gave me.
He wrote back.
It was him and the family and they send their greetings and I sent mine.
It was like a piece of my past had come to a close with a warm email-esque hug.

And then there are the moments, you don't have to do any research. It is just divine intervention.
I used to go to a fabulous dance class at the Hollywood YMCA.
It was taught by this little peacock fabulous dancer named F-.
But I shall call him Fabulous because it is close to his real name.

He hasn't taught that class in like a year. He left the Y. We all were sad.
The new teacher is great too and has renewed my love of the latin dance which went away after he left.

So today, I went to the health fair at work with Rere who was getting her flu shot.
I just stood in line with her.
I was actually just about to tell her I would wait outside with her since I felt like I was in everyone's way, when I heard a high pitched, "OH MY GAWD!"
I looked up and there in scrubs was Fabulous.
He remembered me.
It took me a second to place him.
Since I never saw him in scrubs at my work.

He was sort of gushing and so was I. We hugged. I mean, I used to so be a regular in his class.
But after a few minutes of catching up, it was apparent that we really never knew each other (I had been mispronouncing his name the whole time and I don't think he still even knows mine) and that we were just basking in the glow of the past.
I got his email address so I can email him for updates on where he is dancing.

This all happened today.
One came as a surprise and the other came as a surprise completely out of the blue.
My past was with me today.
And it was nice.
Like a post it with a nice sentiment that leaves you feeling inspired.

Posted by Kirsten at 04:21 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 03, 2005

Plans Change

Me (last night leaving work): "I am on my way to the gym. I am going to work out, and then go for a walk and then do my laundry and clean up a place is a mess and my plants are dying."

Cut to:
Me, walking into the apartment. Changing into my work out clothes. Sitting on the couch. Falling asleep on the couch. Missing several phone calls to invite me to dinner. Waking up this morning.

When did I become a lying slug of a slug?

Posted by Kirsten at 09:52 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 02, 2005

Tired Peepers

I have angry tired eyes.
They are tired.
But they look angry.
I can't seem to get enough sleep.
I went to Evren's show at the Lava Lounge last night.
He played all new stuff which he is just about to record.
It was fun.
I got to hang out with Mads, Jazzy, Jax, and Zapato.
It was an early night too.
Which was good.
Except that I still have angry tired eyes.
I think I need a vacation from my life for a little bit.
That kind of rest would be heaven for my peepers.

Posted by Kirsten at 02:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 01, 2005

What I Learned From Magicat

The one thing I learned the other night at the party is that when I was drunk, I really didn't care what was going on around me.
And it was a nice departure from how I normally am.
I am always aware of everything.
And that is not a bad thing, per se, but it can be a hinderance to being in the moment.
Which I am trying to do more of.
At the party, I would sit in a chair and focus on being upright.
And it never once occurred to me how I might appear sitting there in that chair alone.
Sober, that would have been my first thought.
And maybe it was in the not caring that brought all the strangers to come and introduce themselves to me.
Maybe in the not caring I had taken down a wall that is always around me.
A wall of funny, self consciousness, etc...whatever it is a wall to keep people at bay.

I liked how it felt.
And since I can't be that drunk in my daily life (and wouldn't want to be - it has taken me way too long to recover - yuck), I am trying to go about my daily life without so much concern for what is going on around me, for what others think, for what everyone else is doing.
Today, I went to the main location of work to get food.
And I go there alone quite often. But I bring a book or read the LA Weekly so as not to stand out that I am there alone.
My intent today was actually to finish reading a book I started a couple of weeks ago.
I got my food. And then decided to sit near the fountain.
And my mind just drifted.
And whenever I would look up from time to time, people would walk by me and smile.
It was weird.
I always felt like I was ignored before.
But today, I was so in my own world, I suddenly noticed I wasn't ignored at all.
In fact, some guy sat on the bench next to me.
I smiled at him.
He gave me a look of wanting to say something.
He had been sitting there awhile.
He never did say anything which is fine. It was time for me to get back to the office.
But I feel kind of refreshed. Like my brain went on vacation.
And the best part is there will be nooooo hangover from it.
I think this is called growth.
Who knew?

Posted by Kirsten at 01:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack