Growing up in LA, I was fascinated by celebrity.
I moved away in high school.
And moved back 7 years ago.
And although I have learned how to harness my "celebrity geek-out!", my fascination with famous people I respect has not died down.
When I worked for Big Name Director, I got used to seeing him. It was great bragging fodder, but really, when you know the ins and outs of someone's life, it really is less than interesting. They are just people after all. People who make a lot of money, have earned the respect of their peers and make art that will be around (for better or worse) long after they are as their legacy.
But still...people like you and me.
And I know that.
Except that I still get taken hostage by geeking out now and then.
So one of my friends, the hilarious Penelope Lombard, did a comedic monologue at Pinata (personal essay readings like Sit n Spin but smaller) this past Sat.
The woman that started it, wants me to participate in it soon.
(cue nervous sweat...whatever will I talk about that I can make funny for 10 minutes? Yikes!)
So one of Penny's friends came to see her and sat behind me.
The woman looked familiar.
I thought I may have worked with her or something.
She was there with her husband and her mother but truth be told, I was focusing less on the woman herself and more on the dynamics of how they were all related (was it his mother? Was this her brother? Were they all friends? etc.)
So Penelope and I went to Canter's after the show.
We ran into the woman with her mom and husband.
And I was introduced to her. They left and Penelope and I went on talking.
Until I realized who it was I had been sitting near for the past 2 hours....
Well to protect her privacy, I won't say, BUT, she used to be on Mad TV and is very very short and may or may not lend her voice to a particular funny sitcom that may or may not be animated.
I looked at Penny. "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!! That was [blah blah famous lady]!!!!"
"Yeah"
"I love her. I mean, I quote her. You know the funny stuff she says...I quote those"
"Oh, I have known her awhile but I have never seen her tv work. But she is so talented."
"WHA? You have never seen her tv work" I blink stupidly.
"Yeah, she is really talented. I have seen her comedy. But not her tv work."
"Well, I am just glad that I didn't realize it was her until after she walked away, because I would have totally geeked out."
Penny nodded with an understanding look like one who is telling a crazy person that they do indeed see the little green men.
Deep inhale and exhale.
This weekend is another comedy writer friend of mine's wedding.
Her good-bye party was a huge list of comedy guru writers where I met a guy from the Goundlings. I badgered him into getting me into his show for free. After the show, he introduced me to the cast, most of whom are in Reno 911. One is now on SNL.
But again, I didn't know that at the time, so I didn't geek out then either.
In this case, for me, ignorance is bliss.
I just hope that for the wedding this weekend, I am able to pull it together and not scream "OMG, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the episode you wrote for "the Office" and seriously, I may love you....no seriously."
Here's hoping I can walk among my favorite people to love as a peer. Or at least as a normal woman who just happens to have a tv but doesn't NEED to watch it but occasionally does.
In my attempt to write my novel, I am coming across old pieces that I used to jot down before I used to blog.
So while my work day is slowly stealing all my creative ideas, I will post a little journal entry I did several years ago.
I hope you like it. And if you don't, please lie and tell me you did anyway.
I am kidding....sort of.
ENDINGS
As she got out of the car on the street side, Mads told her, “Watch out Lisa. Cars come pretty fast down this street.”
As Lisa, Mads, Denny and I all reached the curb, Lisa asked Denny (her doctor boyfriend), “If a car would have hit me, would you have responded as a boyfriend or a doctor?”
Eye rolling as she spoke, I replied, “Well, lucky for you, he is both so it doesn’t matter.”
She glared at me for a moment.
Of course the answer she was looking for was, “Because of my love for you as a boyfriend, I would use my best doctor skills to rush you back to health and pray for your recovery as if my own life depended upon it.”
His actual answer was, “Probably I would go into doctor mode”. I found it to be an impossible question for him to answer. The whole idea of the question made me mad. He was annoying. She was annoying.
Having had enough of their end-of-the-relationship games they continued to play in front of Mads and me all night, I grew agitated that I couldn’t walk ahead of them faster.
I mostly grew angry at the question because I have been in Lisa’s position.
Even if I had never possessed the audacity to utter that type of question outright, I had thought it, lived it and felt it.
When my boyfriend Victor and I broke up, I woke up very early in the morning and went into the empty room formerly used by Steve...my roommate who had vacated just the night before to move in with his girlfriend. The room was empty and messy with scraps of paper and dust. That was so like Steve to leave the room so messed up on his departure. I did not like him.
But I was happy to have this mess to set my focus on.
I went into his closet where a million wire hangers clung to each other like a metal spider web.
I spent an hour diligently separating the hangers and re-hanging them as if they were little Christmas lights. I needed the task so that I didn’t ask any questions out loud or in my head that would be on par with Lisa’s question to Denny.
When the time has come to ask these questions, it is the logical solution to break up.
But the last thing you are in those situations is logical.
It reminded me of my dad’s 3rd marriage. Abby was a powerful woman in her career. She knew what she wanted and went after it. She loved her cats and her Gone With the Wind plate collection and she loved my dad. But in line with his pattern, he went after strong women who showed no signs of needing him in the beginning. Just under the surface, however, these women are the most desperate for attention. And so it was the case with Abby. Once the signs of emotional dependency began to emerge, my father became the ultimate Peter Pan and retreated into a world to which he alone was privy. It was the last year of their marriage and my entire visit had been mostly spent with a very bitter Abby while my dad couldn’t be found in our midst. She took me for pedicures and I got acrylics on my fingernails for the first and last time in my life. The nails were so distasteful to my father that when we went to the zoo, a sloth reached its hand out to me while hanging upside down and my father said, “He thinks you are related to him with those things on your fingers”. I didn’t realize then, that it was more of a slam at Abby. She felt it. We were in Santa Barbara.
And the little trip that was supposed to be carefree and fun was really a last-ditch effort for Abby to plead her case to my dad. The end was unforgivingly inevitable and you could feel the discomfort like wearing a parka on a warm day.
The photos show us smiling in front of the Mission, at the zoo and at lunch, but the “what’s beyond” was so extreme that I was looking for a way to scream “Fire” or something just to get out.
Why do we hold on so vehemently to something that is no longer working?
Lisa and Denny broke up. He cheated on her with one of the nurses at the hospital. The nurse was far less attractive than Lisa which only made the slap much worse.
My dad and Abby also ended shortly after the Santa Barbara trip.
You would think that through my own experiences and watching those around me that I would know when to end something.
But I don’t.
I stand in the middle of a crumbling house wondering if someone can hand me some scotch tape to hold it together.
Sometimes the best way to move on from a bad situation is to imagine that you hold something of value that the other person wants.
And with this valuable trinket, you hold the power.
Like having the phone number of someone you will never call.
Knowing you can call but just won't.
But then sometimes, you learn that you no longer have the power or the other person doesn't need whatever it is you value that gave you the power and even though you thought you healed long ago, it can open the wound.
Like having said number and finding it is disconnected.
I was working on a project awhile ago with someone. It caused a lot of friction in our friendship. And in our working partnership.
Words were said, agendas came to fruition. And huffing and puffing was abounding.
Then we all went to our corners, silently agreeing not to talk about it and decided to reconvene in the new year.
The only way I was able to let go of the anger I felt was knowing I held the actual material for the project. Something tangible. That when we would discuss it again, I still held the items up for bid.
This weekend, I found out that the materials I was holding (for ransom?) were no longer needed. In fact...no longer wanted.
And my reaction shocked me because I suddenly was back in that same place when we were initially charged from the whole situation.
There is a lyric in a Shins's song....
"A stronger girl would shake this off in flight,
And never give it more than a frowning hour,
But you have let your heart decide,
Loss has conquered you"
I was allowing this feeling to come over me and conquer me.
This person didn't care anymore about our project. And she hadn't told me before today when i approached her with the olive branch to start it up again.
And I was stunned that she had separated herself from this. From me.
And I was surprised that I was stunned.
And after feeling kind of lousy for an hour, I realized that I have moved on too.
The healing from our fallout wasn't a fake healing.
And I am the "stronger girl" that would shake this off after a frowning hour.
It suddenly hit me that I haven't felt depressed like this in awhile.
That I used to feel like this a lot.
Especially last year.
Last year was full of feeling bad.
Sometimes good. But mostly bad.
But It was also full of learning.
And I grew a lot.
And once my frowning hour ended today, I felt really happy that I finally am closer to knowing who I am.
Part of last year was trying to get rid of an identity that I had outgrown.
And growing out of that was difficult.
Trying to find a new identity is hard to find when you aren't sure what you want.
So you take stuff hostage and hold your cards with shaky hands because all you can think that you want is to win.
But you usually only feel that way, when you think you are losing.
And of late, losing hasn't even been part of my identity.
So what I want has dramatically changed to be something more positive.
And the identity fits well.
And those bad feelings aren't given a platform to reside....only a frowning hour to visit.
And then they move on.
My daily diet this week of yummy moments.
Sunday: Went to a bridal tea where I sat with some of the funniest, hottest female comedy writers.
Realized the time, after drinking a nice black tea and eating a cupcake that I needed to boogie from Glendale to venice for a twin 5 year old bday party.
I got there and immediately was ushered to the bounce castle.
It was tougher than I thought.
By the end of the evening, I had such a headache but Leigh gave me some advil and all was right again.
She and I talked long after we put the kids together.
It was nice to catch up with her.
Monday: Found out that the cat food I feed Nukkah is not on the food recall list. Whew.
She is such a weird cat that I couldn't use her behavior as a marker of whether she was acting differently. She always acts differently. I am just grateful that she is healthy and not going through what these poor animals that ate that food are going through.
Wednesday: Frolic Room date.
Easiest conversation on a date EVER. I felt good and looked good even though I wasn't done with my 3 month dating ban. It was nice to be out having fun in a loud bar, telling stories. Interesting guy. Funny guy. Who knows what will happen? I am happy with where I am at the moment. A good date is just icing.
Thursday: Dinner at Lala's with Zappy.
Lively conversation. That girl is quite interesting. Good food. The two gals next to us were listening to our interaction. The group of 3 hipsters on the other side of us were also listening. I am not sure if they found us to be as interesting as I found us or if they thought we were just loud. I am going with Interesting.
The rest of the week was peppered with crazy antics at work, belly dance and good dreams.
And this morning, driving to work felt like a cluster fuck. It was like all the cars took a normal intersection and turned it into a roundabout where no one knows when to go or what to do. But once I was on the freeway, all the cars that were in my lane one by one, moved over into other lanes and I am not lying when I say that I had an entire lane all to myself. For like 10 full minutes. I almost questioned it but I was smiling too hard and forgot to.
Life is feeling like something I ordered lately.
A week that started with so much tension, ended with a ton of elation.
I have two bosses. One was out for 3 weeks studying for the Bar. Two days upon her return, my other boss left for India for 3 weeks to do Habitat for Humanity.
When one is gone, my work load goes up.
Add to that, a crazy amount of work.
Add to THAT, the fact that my job is not very satisfying, you have a powder keg of my emotions waiting to KABOOM.
BUT ADD TO ALL OF THAT....I had jury duty this past week.
So starting Sunday night, I had to call in every night to see if I would report to jury service the next day.
Every day felt like playing Russian Roulette. I wasn't sure if I wanted a break from my job or if it would be more work to be off to watch court cases and then come back to the mayhem.
Every day I was sure I WOULDN'T get called.
Actually, I wasn't sure, but I was hoping I wouldn't.
Every day I called in and every day, I got the message that my number wasn't up.
That changed Wed afternoon.
I was to report Thursday.
My boss was stressing. Which made me stress.
Now, when I did jury duty 5 years ago, it was on a Monday. By 10am, everyone in the jury holding area was siphoned out to courts for jury selection. If you didn't get picked, you had to go back to the jury holding area and keep going on to new cases. If you never got on a jury by the end of the day, you were done.
This time, I had to report downtown LA at 7:30am (7 friggin 30 am! I set several alarms so I wouldn't oversleep).
Armed with a starbucks double latte clutched in my hand like a security blanket, I entered the courthouse.
The woman that ran the jury room took her job very seriously.
She talked to us like we were pre-schoolers. Now in her defense, she would say things in triplicate but people still got the directions wrong.
But I found myself rolling my eyes every time she spoke any way. I mean, I wasn't one of the people f-ing up the directions.
"Please fill out this portion. You will notice it is green. If you don't have a green form, please come and get one. If you have a red form, please make your way to the nearest trash can and dispose of it. OR, put it in your purse or briefcase and keep it as a souvenir. You will notice there are pens at the front of the room. They are NOT gifts. You must return them. If you notice one is out of ink...don't use it. Just wait your turn until a working pen becomes a available."
I was laughing. By myself. Someone noticed I was laughing. A man in overalls with a bald head and a white handle bar mustache. As we stood in line to turn in our blue form to receive a green one, he turns to me, "Hey these pens would make great gifts."
I titter.
"Yeah, but not if it is out of ink, " I retort lamely.
He continues to be smart assy but we are getting close to the lady we are mocking and I don't want her to be mad and put me on a jury all because I am hanging with the crowd that she finds is insulting her.
The day wears on.
At 11am, I am starting to think I may not even be called for a jury.
Maybe Thursday is a good day to be there.
At 11:30am, they announce that there will be a 45 day trial. Seeing as how my work only pays for 5 days of jury service, I am not worried about being called.
I don't get called.
As more seats become available, people begin to stretch out across them and take naps. Or text people. Or watch their video Ipods. I am watching people as my means of entertainment. The tv is on and ironically, we are watching People's Court.
I end up talking to a woman who is 65 but looks 40. She is a former principal and went to law school and is currently back in school to get her dissertation. I am very impressed with her at first. But as the monologue she is giving continues, I realize I am in the presence of one of THOSE people you sit next to on planes. She is beginning to tell me her stories all over again. I have a crick in my neck from nodding and saying "oh that is sooo cool". She doesn't even know my name or anything about me. And further more...she doesn't care that she doesn't know. I don't really figure in her world.
The Jury Room Lady announces a break for lunch.
The former principal asks what I am doing for lunch. As I don't want to spend another hour and a half listening to how great a principal she was or how young she looks, I brave the idea I might hurt her feelings and tell her that I am going to explore downtown and that I have several calls to make.
It is a gorgeous day. I sit by a fountain and call a few people.
I return to the Jury Holding Room after lunch and notice my new friend has found a group of people to listen to her.
I sigh a sigh of relief.
I think I see the actor from the WaMu commercials.
I circle him like a shark to get a better look at him.
I don't think it is him.
Sitting back down, I notice the walls of the Jury Holding Room are lined with framed photos of celebrities that say, "I served Jury Duty too!"
I over hear a group of people next to me. The guy is cute and has just returned from Europe. He is talking to an overweight girl who has also been to Europe recently. She has a slight accent and notices that I am listening to them.
Another woman in their group mentions that she works nights for the blind. She arrived at jury duty after her shift and hopes that she doesn't get called for a jury or she will never get to sleep.
I begin to realize that I don't have it so bad.
A girl plops down next to me.
She and I start chatting. She works in production. She is creative like me but works a stupid job revolving around paper like me for companies that give the impression she has a cool job...like me.
I tell her I think I saw the WaMu commercial actor. She screeches, "I know him!" and gets up to see if it is truly the WaMu guy.
She returns with the sad news that it is not.
I tell her that it is my opinion that we will not serve on a jury. I am sure of it. I think that by saying it out loud, I am trying to convince myself.
Jury Room Lady announces another trial that will be 15 days long.
My name is not called.
But the 65 year old is.
She comes up to me and says, "See what they did to me????"
"If anyone can get off that jury, you can..." I say back limply.
My new friend Paula and I yap about our favorite tv shows and Larchmont Beauty Supply.
At 3:30, Jury Lady gets on the microphone again.
My stomach goes into spasms. I will be damned if I wait all day just to get called for a jury selection that i have to return for.
"Everyone, please move inside. We don't want the Fire Marshall to come and write you up for a fine for being in the fire lanes when i am trying to take end of day roll call"
I start the clapping.
"Yes, that is right....give yourselves a hand...you are dismissed."
Paula and I gasp and do a huge high five.
"See my eyes? I am crying a little," Paula says.
"Me too!"
I hear my name called. I say my quick good bye to Paula and dash out of the Jury Holding Room, past the woman I made fun of earlier in the day (now I am her biggest fan!). As I step out into the sunlight, I am smiling so big.
I didn't realize how much stress I had on me this week.
But I feel lighter than air.
I returned to work on Friday and was still smiling.
We had an early St. Patty's day party and I got a little tipsy.
The smile got even bigger.
It was the best way to end my week.
Happy St. Patty's Day everyone.
The week is over. I am not on a Jury. It is the weekend.
I am still smiling!
Jazzy made me awesome mixed cds for my birthday.
One of them has the Beach Boys, "God Only Knows" on there.
It is my favorite Beach Boys song and also one of my favorite love songs.
I don't know if it is because it is such a great song or if it is because of the memory that surrounds it for me.
I was 20 years old and living with my dad on Balboa in Newport Beach. I was working at the John Wayne Tennis Club. I was on a year long break from school.
There was this crazy hard drinking couple (he was 60 and she was 37) that belonged to the club. They lived on Balboa too.
They asked me to house-sit for them.
It was one of the most liberating experiences for me. It was the first time in my life I was completely alone for an extended period of time. No roommates, no family.
And I loved it!
I am glad I wasn't the kind of person who looked through their drawers because I probably would have found things I wouldn't have wanted to know about them.
But I did rifle through their cds. They had the most amazing sound system throughout their little beach cottage. Speakers in every room and such a lush sound brought the music to a new level.
Their bed was one of those really cool high beds with amazing sheets and pillows. Their bed was next to a window that faced a little enclosed patio where they kept some birds.
Every morning, I would wake up to feel and smell the ocean air waft in while the birds would coo. It was such a relaxing way to start my day.
I would putter to the living room and put on some music while I would get ready for work.
I put in "God Only Knows" once and then decided to keep it on a loop because the idea of my freedom and that song's harmonies blended together into a feeling I wanted to hold on to forever.
I would come out of the shower and hear it playing all over the house.
And I would smile.
When my house-sitting stint was over there, I was a little sad. It was such a meditative time for me where I relished my alone time the way i always thought I would.
I am not sad to be alone. I love my friends and need people but I really do like my solitude. Especially with music. I can get really lost in my imagination.
This morning, the air woke me up the same way. I was lying in my bed and the air was a little marine-layerish and cool.
I went to my ipod and put on the song from Jazzy's mix.
My speakers allowed "God Only Knows" to play in my faux beach cottage setting.
And I was right back in Balboa allowing that feeling to flow through me.
And you know what? Today feels better because of it.
Oh and on a side note...Mads is engaged! Congrats Mads and Esteban!
When I was online dating, it was not uncommon for me to get several men sending me unrequested pics of their genitals or starting out of the gate with sexual talk.
I mentioned to one of my friends that I have been very grateful that this hasn't happened in awhile to me.
I would like to think that it is because I am bringing different energy into my life where the perverts have disappeared from my radar.
But the truth is that it might be because I am not online at night anymore chatting.
But tonight after pilates, I logged onto Myspace to check out messages from some of my friends. And while I was on, I got several messages from random strangers.
Here is one of the emails:
"hello, i would just like to say that i think you are very pretty, and i would honestly LOVE to be wrapped in saran wrap from neck to toe, while you sat directly atop my face for hours upon end. You could read a book, watch tv, talk on the phone, etc. while i lay there completely unable to move, with my face wedged between your butt cheeks, praying you don't have to fart anytime soon... sound interesting miss? :)"
I mean really.
I think I mention in my profile that I like swimming and Leonard Cohen. But i don't think I mentioned that I like to mummify men and then sit on them. I am pretty sure I left that out.
I can sit on my couch while reading a book and talking on the phone without having to do all that work of wrapping you up in saran wrap.
And here I thought I was bringing a different kind of man into my life.
I guess I was. He sounds VERY different.
Myspace guys can be so classy sometimes.