Netflix...we need to have a talk.
You are the monkey on my back.
I am trying to restructure my life so I can find time to date the beautiful painter, work out every day, eat right (ie - no sugar DAY 4. Booya!), get enough sleep, read, write AND get through my/your queue.
And that is where it all falls apart.
NETFLIX!
I have a queue that is longer than I care to admit.
And every day, my thirst for knowledge leads me to add new films, documentaries, comedies and cable shows I don't get to watch because I don't have cable.
But I have you Netflix.
And I love you.
But you are causing me to lose sleep.
This relationship is unhealthy.
The faster I watch the movies, the more movies I want to see. My queue is getting longer rather than shorter.
Where else could I watch all the Antoine Doinel series from Truffaut?
And then you trick me again with the next film in the series I want to watch being listed as "short wait" WHAT!?!
You lure me in and then keep me in a holding pattern.
So I add to the queue with items like a documentary the Pyramids to pass the time when I should just go to "Akelah and the Bee" or "Jesus of Montreal" because they have been there for so long and keep getting moved down.
And the stress of trying to keep up with you is getting me tired.
I almost have half a mind to just quit you cold turkey.
BUT I CAN'T QUIT YOU!!!!!!
Oh Netflix.
*sigh*
I think we need to be more casual.
I may need to cut you from 3 to 2 movies. I know I know....it hurts me too.
How else will I get out from under my queue of 126 films with 10 on the list of yet to be released films? But what else can I do?
Maybe it is me.
Maybe I just care too much.
And you...do you even care about me?
Sure, you are ready and willing whenever I need something from you (except any Larry Sanders since season 1)
I am just a pawn in your game.
I just needed to tell you how I was feeling.
Don't be mad.
We still have the weekends sometimes.
Even though I still have "Babel" and haven't watched it because I have to be in the mood, I am going pretty quickly through the other films.
And somewhere we can find a resolution in the middle.
I hope so.
Because we both deserve to live happy, healthy lives free of stress but full of pop culture references.
I received the text on my phone inviting me to the First Quarterly "Gays, Gals and Games" night over at Louie and Neece's.
I was a gal, into games with many gay guys in my rolodex as friends.
I was exhausted yesterday. I knew that what I really wanted was to go home after work and just pull on my new cropped sweats (that were mismarked at Target for $3.00 a pair - but should have been $14.99 a pair - did I tell? no. I bought two more pairs!) and get ready to watch the rest of the Elizabeth I DVD that I got from Netflix.
But I knew that I had been hermitting myself for a spell, so I went to the game night.
I picked up Jazzy after a pretty easy drive on the 10 west.
In fact, the evening was that exciting blend of still being light, perfect temperature and a future that promised me wine, cheese and bread.
We showed up and started the drinking. And the eating.
After we had a crowd of 12 peeps, we started the Win Lose or Draw version of Pictionary.
I cannot draw.
But I am a great great guesser.
But there was a better guesser on our team.
I was up to draw.
I drew a face. And something on his head (a cap) with what was supposed to be a feather coming out of said cap, but which kind of looked like a knife. And from his head, I drew two wavy lines to represent his flying legs.
The better guesser on our time within 2 seconds screams out, "Peter Pan!"
I beamed..."YES YES...Peter Pan"
Everyone looked around like we had just cheated. My drawing was more akin to the KoolAid guy who busts through walls than Peter Pan or anything humanoid.
Our team lost that particular game. It wasn't close.
The next game was like charade hot potato with a beeping machine that gives you your word. Can't picture it? Neither could most of the people there. Despite everyone yelling out the rules, confusion reigned and so did chaos and noise.
On one of my turns, the phrase I had was "up to date".
Here is how I got my team to guess it.
Me: "Not down but --"
My team: "Up"
Me: "second word...not one but --"
My team: "two"
Me: "When you go out with someone and hopefully he pays and you will probably put out, even if he doesn't.....come on....."
My team: "uh....date?"
Me: "put it together......."
And they did. And we won.
And they couldn't believe that I thought they would get "date" from my definition.
They were even more irritated that they DID.
Because lord knows that room was filled with its share of us that have put out for far less. But it usually involves alcohol and maybe I should have included that in the definition.
In another turn I got Qiddich (sp?) and Adirondak Chair (both of which my team answered correctly thank you very much). So, I was pretty happy.
And our team won this game.
And we really felt like we had won a million dollars. Alcohol will do that to a winning team full of loud guessers.
And even though I love my sweats and Helen Mirren as QE I, a night full of gays, gals and games is pretty hard to beat.
Especially when you win. And then rub the other team's faces in it. Which we kind of did. Because that is what winners do.
She wrote me today like she would have when I saw her every day.
"Come to the concert I am attending tonight"
She is in DC.
I am in LA.
I meant to call her back to make some sort of funny comment about how traffic is holding me up.
To my surprise, she called me.
I answered with my planned response, "Traffic is a bitch. I will be there in an hour or 8".
"Um, the concert is over. You missed it. [more hilarious impressions and funny talk]"
Laughter.
There was a time we spoke a lot.
One rainy Sunday morning, she called me very early. I happened to be awake sitting in my room wondering how it was I was awake so early on a weekend morning.
Her call relieved me from my pondering.
"Do you want to go to brunch?" she asked.
"Sure. Except this will probably be breakfast since it is 7:30am"
"Knowing us, we will probably still be sitting there through brunch - dare I say lunch even."
And after meeting at a riverside restaurant, sitting there in the misting air, the only people in the restaurant, we chatted. We laughed. We planned our marketing campaigns for the improv group we were in. And we planned our careers.
With lots of "wouldn't it be great if...." and "I can't wait until...." and "what I really want to do is....". And we did sit through brunch - dare I say lunch even.
Tonight, we caught up with our lives.
It has been awhile since we have chatted like this. Busy lives, different time zones...etc.
We both find each other hilarious. And in turn we find ourselves hilarious.
I admire the hell out of her.
She wondered about the post that I took down.
I told her the real reason.
She thought that made a better story than the original one.
Maybe I will re-post it some day.
Even though she is on the other side of the country, we are more in line with the plans we laid so long ago for ourselves.
"I am so excited about what is happening in our lives" I said.
"I know I know...synchronicty is happening. I mean, I don't want to get too excited about it, but it is pretty cool."
And silently, I could feel us both secretly touch our versions of talismen.
Whatever won't jinx us.
I hung up feeling very connected to my past and my future.
I can't go meet her for brunch, lunch, coffee or drinks on a whim like I used to.
But our friendship has turned into something else.
Something pretty f*&king cool - dare I say really f*&king cool.
*happy sigh*
I think it is funny that perception changes everything.
A really good sauce that you smell in a kitchen or a commissary can make you excited to eat it and get your taste buds revved.
That same smell, wafting by in an office, say on someone's tray in a take-out container can smell like B.O.
Side note (but apropos to this topic)....when I went to a family reunion in Canada when I was 11 years old. My older cousin whom I hadn't seen in 6 years showed up and looked like Joey Ramone.
In the car, I could smell through his t-shirt that he smelled like onions as he sat wedged next to me.
"He smells like onions," I said to my mom.
"Sometimes, teenage boys smell like onions," She said back imparting her wisdom on me.
Onions on salads, in soups, in sauces = good.
Onion smell on a person next to you in a car = bad.
I think you get my point.
PS - another side note less apropos to the topic...
I was once at a comedy workshop weekend. One girl got up to perform for her first time ever. No one was sure if she was a little slow or touched or if it was her style to act like that.
This is one of her jokes:
"Do you ever notice that men smell like wet chicken? I had a boyfriend....once....named Pete. He smelled like wet chicken. I don't know why."
Later, we all laughed around the bon fire how we would create an animated chicken character named Pete. His tag line would be: "I don't want to fry...I just want to get dry...'cause I am Pete the wet chicken". We all lauged. At her expense. And then at our own brilliance.
But that is how magic sometimes happens.
My sister and I were once cooing over a baby.
The baby laughed and everyone clapped and was happy.
My sister said, "Isn't it amazing that as a baby, you don't have to do much. People just love you for being you. How many times does that happen in your life?"
And I always wondered if perhaps, I was the kind of baby that felt I had to prove something to my audience.
And by audience, I mean anyone around me.
Because I can't imagine a time when that wasn't my first thought..."to get people to like me, I have to wow them, perform in some way."
It is part of what has hampered me in certain situations. Especially in LA, where being hot is like being a baby...people just love you without you really doing anything for it. And I think I am attractive and actually pretty, but I am definitely not LA standards of hot.
So in certain situations, I felt I had to dance for my dinner, so to speak.
I turned on the performance.
When I have dated, I have also felt like I had to show them all my talents, like singing and dancing and writing and my comedy and my foreign language skills and the fact that I can drive a stick shift and the fact I know who Truffaut is, etc.
Like I was on an interview.
And that is completely aside from the intimate things I felt I had to prove to men.
Mads even pointed it out to me. She said, "Why do you do so much? Why do you need to show them all these things? Don't you want them to like you for you?"
"But this IS me".
And I guess at that time, it was. I wanted EVERYONE to know how great I was, mostly because if they believed it, then I could too.
The most amazing moments and connections I have made in my life, however, were when I wasn't doing anything. I WAS at the right place at the right time, being positive and present but I wasn't going out of my way to prove anything.
And I never understood why those moments happened.
Like thinking that I was just being me wasn't enough to provide all the goodness that was coming towards me. That it was perhaps an accident and I had better find out how I got it or I could lose it.
Like I was posing and my fraud would be revealed.
Something has changed for me.
I am more confident than I have ever been.
I feel more at ease than I ever have.
My focus truly is on enjoying the moment. And as corny as it sounds...it is working miracles.
I am grateful for all the wonderful things in my life but I no longer feel that it was an accident that I received them. And I no longer feel that I need to figure out why they are there.
Last night was my friend's wedding.
It was such a beautiful party.
It was at their gorgeous house in Encino in the hills. I got there right at sunset and was in awe of the view.
Famous people were all around me.
I chatted with everyone.
I danced with several people on the dance floor. Only to find out later that these were people I have been trying to meet for the past year.
Numbers were exchanged.
Other performers whose work I admire remembered they had seen me perform before as well.
The DJ, who I had met before and who is a fabulous comic but had been arrogant to me in the past, came up and told me he admired my dancing.
In fact a few people did.
And I thought how funny that with all these people who have the power to make or break my career, I have tried in the past to be witty or some comedy performing and all it took was for me to have a good time. That just by dancing and talking about mundane things (still in a witty way...I mean I still love to make people laugh) I was able to keep conversations going just by being me.
And I didn't have to revert to being a baby for people to just like me for me.
All it took was 30-something years of doing it wrong to teach me how to get it right.
And last night I did.