July 29, 2007

Any Day Now Will Be Fine

I just had a date with a guy who looked EXACTLY like Michael Scott from The Office. I would say he looked like Steve Carell, but it was really more like the character. He was so nice and attractive, but the second I sat down, I just knew, this wasn't going anywhere. And it was like he knew too, so there was silence and then crickets. Even between our small talk. Silence. Silence of energy. Almost like I was in a movie where the sound was going in and out. Weird. It lasted an hour. And I find my chit chat skills have been sorely tested this past two months. I don't care about chit chat anymore because I already know what I need to know about them the minute I sit down. The only thing to do other than chit chat, is to say, "You and I feel the same lack of interest, so would you mind if we didn't waste each other's time? let's just call it a date and split." But I wouldn't do that. Someone once did that to me. And you know what? it's rude.

So you put up with the awkward stuff. And all the accoutrements that go with awkward stuff in the name of being polite. And you test your convo skills, with, what did I talk about today? Oh yeah, how when I was little on a road trip once, I kept looking at the road signs and couldn't figure out how come we don't pronounce "next exit" "Nexit Exit". My eyes, blurred from seeing it so much that I totally missed the letter "i". I told the story since we were talking about road trips and it was insight into my cooky mind.
It was also meant to be funny.
He didn't laugh. I think he thought I was retarded. My humor is not for everyone.


But on the good side, Leigh and AJ just had a baby girl on Friday. She is very pretty. It was my first time holding a newborn. Leigh asked if I wanted to hold her and I said, No. Leigh's eyes grew big from incredulality (if that is a word) and said, "Come on!"
So I held the little girl for 45 minutes. She slept. And she was heavy on my arm. And I realized, it isn't every day that a person fits in your arm.
So I soaked it up.
Upon hearing this, my mom asked me sweetly, "so does it make you want to have one?"
"Um no, no it doesn't"
"Darn it" she says half to the dog and half to me as the receiver is wedged between her shoulder and chin on the phone with me.

After dates like today, I am wondering why anyone would want me to have baby fever when I can't even find a guy to settle on.

I think I pissed off the gods at some point. Probably trying to be funny and picking on someone who unbeknownst to me was the universe's darling.

I am ready to have something romantically go well. But until then, I will take my chances while doing comedy and make witty observations (which may or not involve making fun of people), be great to all the babies who have just come into my world, and keep crossing my fingers.

And when all else fails, I have wine.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:43 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 23, 2007

A Chipmunk watched my Cat

My cat has a big fat cyst near her eye.
For a few years, she had pink eye. But we finally found a treatment that worked and it went away. And not a week later, this cyst appeared.

I took her to the vet last week to talk about having the cyst removed.
This was the exam to have her blood drawn.

It is a pain to get my cat out of the house because

a) even though she is one of the dumbest cats you will ever meet, she still manages to hide RIGHT at the moment I am trying to be stealth and sweep her into her carrier.
and b) she is heavy
and c) she meows so loudly that in the quiet of morning, it sounds like she is being beaten. My running to the car with the swaying 19 pound cat in a carrier doesn't make me look suspicious at all.

So once I get to the vet's clinic, I am met by the vet tech.

He is a burly foreign man with strong arms, a beard, a smile and a mop of curly hair. He almost looks like a pirate.

I have seen him before but have not had much interaction with him.

I go into the exam room with him and my cat last week.

"She makes a lot of noise, your kitty."
"Meow Meow...I don't want to be here."
"Yeah." polite titter
"I see you have board her here before. That means I took care of her."
"Oh, yeah? Well, I will be boarding her again this summer."
"I am the one to take care of the animals. I don't really, ha ha...I just pretend to."
And then he looks at me very seriously,
"I am only teasing. I love the animals. I take my job very seriously."
"Oh I am sure you are great."
"Really, you tell me I need to check on her 3 times, I will check on her 5 times. I am Alvin."
"Hi Alvin"
"Like from the chipmunks, you know?" and then he starts sort of dancing. His eyes are almost closed and his index fingers are pointing up as he shuffles his feet back and forth. I guess he is imitating Alvin the chipmunk, although in my recollection, I have never seen Alvin the chipmunk make this particular move.

"Oh, yeah. That is good."
"I am making your day." he says, "you laugh so hard with me and it lasts all day long."
"Oh yeah, it's good to laugh before 8:30am. You have a lot of energy."
"I make your day. I make your day."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that he is making my day more annoying actually.
He picks up my cat.
"She is heavy," I say.
"So am I" and then he flexes his giant arms.

When I left, Alvin yells to me, "Bye bye, thanks for choosing us....I make you laugh. I make you laugh. Ha ha" and he danced down the hall to look after the other cats.

I wonder if he has a girlfriend. If she loves him. If she throws things at him. I wonder if he has any pets. I think of him smoking out and watching COPS while someone makes him dinner. I wonder if he wakes up with all that energy or if he drinks red bull.

I look at the faces of the other women around him to gauge if they think he is entertaining or annoying.
The women already kind of look annoyed anyway, so I can't tell the difference.

He comes back out singing.

The women kind of giggle.
He would annoy the crap out of me, but I am glad that he has an audience that appreciates him.
Everyone deserves that.
Even chipmunks named Alvin.

Posted by Kirsten at 05:15 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 19, 2007

No Stone Left Unturned

Earlier this year, I dated a guy that I really connected with.
We had 3 of the best dates I have ever had.
And then without warning, he dropped out of sight.
I often wondered about him.
Wondered what happened. I saw him online all the time.
So earlier this month, I contacted him again just letting him know that I don't know what happened but I still thought of him.
He wrote back. He wanted to see me again. It seemed that we had a miscommunication. He thought I didn't want to see him anymore and I thought he didn't want to see me anymore.
I still feel that he maybe just wasn't ready to meet the right person. He had just come out of a relationship and was just sowing some oats.

But we reconnected. He said he is more ready to be in a relationship now.

And for the past month, we have had several more dates.
Each one better than the last.

Sure there are a lot of superficial things that I am left to swallow some pride on if I were to introduce him to people.
But we communicated. Talked about our fears of relationships and how we are just taking things one day at a time.
Each date, better than the last. Each moment, getting closer.

And just when I was starting to trust my instincts about dating, and men and relationships, thinking that maybe just maybe, I could be one of the lucky ones that it works out for, he dumps me. No reason. Just a one line email.
No salutation, no apology. Just, "I can't". It stupidly reflects the Sex in the City episode with the Post-It. Except this is my life, not a tv show.

You always want to make sure you did all you could.
I felt I did everything right the first time around with him.
But it didn't work out. So I chalked it up to timing.
Then when I thought I had a second chance, I realized, maybe it can work out. That it really WAS bad timing the first time.
But it ended the same way. With me just sitting there scratching my head wondering how I could have missed the signs yet again.

I am blue. But at least I know not to waste any more time on him.
I know what he is capable of and what he isn't.

This stone has been turned.

Maybe with the next guy that I really click with, through all the things I learned about myself through this experience, I WILL be one of the lucky ones at love.

Here's to that happening for me.

Posted by Kirsten at 02:35 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 16, 2007

The Venice Gondoliers

I got the vm Thursday from Leigh.
"Call me back about this weekend."

I call her back.
"What's this weekend?" I asked.
"Our 20th high school reunion."
"Oh that's this weekend?"

So a few weeks back at Leigh's baby shower held at Leigh's mom's house, the phone rings and it is a girl we went to Junior High with, named Susan, who was planning the reunion for Venice High.
I grew up in LA. Went to junior high and started high school at Venice.
In the middle of 10th grade, my mom moved our family to Oregon where I eventually graduated from high school.
I didn't go the 10 year reunion for either school.
I don't really believe in reunions for the reason that most people I kept in touch with, I am still in touch with.

Leigh put me on the phone with Susan. We caught up for a moment.

After we hung up, marveling at the coincidence that Susan called Leigh's mom's house while we were all there, Leigh asked me if I wanted to go to the reunion.
I said no.
Then I waffled.

So when Leigh called me to ask if I wanted to attend on Saturday, I was truly not ready. I had kind of forgotten about it. Leigh is about to give birth so she was hesitating if she would go since she could go into labor at any time.

"I don't really want to go." I said.
"Really? I think it will be fun to see what people have been up to. Or just look at how much people have changed."
"Um, how much is it?"
She told me.
"Whoa, no way. Too expensive."
"What if I paid for half of your ticket?"
"No way, you have a baby coming."
"I want to. It would be better having you there."

So I agreed to let her know on Saturday (the day of the reuinion).

I finally got excited about the possibility of going.
I called her and told her I was definitely in.

I met at her place and along with her husband and sister, we went to pick up a former classmate, I will call Jon, who even in junior high, seemed gay.

Apparently, he showed up at the 10 year with a wife.
Now he is out of the closet.

He gets in the car and starts motor-mouthing about how he is very sweaty and a little drunk because he is so nervous.
Leigh asks if he remembers me.
"No, why, did we make out?"
"Um, no. Cuz you were gay." I say, sounding kind of like a teenage girl.
"I was the last to know." he says shrugging.
To which I wanted to say maybe his wife was the last to know but that is neither here nor there.

He tells us how his boyfriend is da bomb and how his boyfriend finds him to be da bomb.
Then he lays a bomb on us and just as easily as he is telling us how he looks fabulous for his age (to which I said, "Bitch, so do I"), lets us know that he just found out he is HIV positive.

Where do you go from there? Maybe he was nervous because he didn't know if this would be his last reunion. Maybe he was nervous how people would react.

He told us that when you hear that kind of news, you live each day with a joie de vivre.

We get to the hotel and right away, I am getting excited.

In the first few minutes, I am recognizing people and being recognized by others.

In the first few minutes, Jon is telling everyone about his diagnosis.

Later he was on the dance floor with his shirt unbuttoned and his tie slightly undone. He was Vivring his Joie.

The food was great, the music was from the 80's and we danced a few numbers.

There were people that I was very happy to see whom I had just been thinking about.
They had been thinking about me too in preparing for the reunion.
I brought up stories that many had forgotten.

"What ever happened to you?" they would all ask
"I moved in 10th grade."
"Ahhhhh that's right."

It is strange that at the 20 year, you have more years between you since high school than you did at the age you were when you graduated.
And it had been 23 years since I had seen most of them.

I had a blast. Zipping from one table to the next.
Jotting down new numbers from old friends.
Taking a ton of pictures.
I was very happy.
I looked at Leigh.
"Thank you so much Leigh for forcing me to go. I am having a great time!"
"Oh good."
"Are you?"

I think for Leigh, it was more about what she would have missed had she not gone. For me, I never cared about what I would have missed in not going.

But as I sat in that hotel banquet hall overlooking the Pacific Ocean at sunset, surrounded by people I had known for the first half of my life, I felt great knowing that I wasn't missing out on this.

When the clock struck 11:30, I had no problem saying good-bye.
Some people I would keep in touch with, and some it was just nice reconnecting with for the evening.

You can never relive the past. And sometimes that is a blessing.
But for a few hours Saturday night, my past and my present were blissfully co-existing.

And like Jon on the dance floor, I was Vivring my Joie as well.

Posted by Kirsten at 03:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 11, 2007

Our Hen Night

WIKIPEDIA defines a Bachelorette party as such:

"A bachelorette party, hen party, or hen's night, is a party held for a woman who is about to be married as a rite of passage. Those attending the party are usually all female. Events such as the The Girlie Show in the UK add comedy to the male strip club. If held at home, it may be an occasion to hold a pamper party or compare products like lingerie or women's sex toys or to play games like "Truth or Dare", "Pass the Balloon", or a risqué version of "Consequences"."

Well, Ennui is getting hitched.
Her bachelorette party was held by moi on Monday. Ennui, who had to be talked into a bridal shower, was even more reluctant to have a bacehlorette party.

It wasn't the fear of a stripper or naughty gifts. I believe the fear was having the spotlight on her and the uncertainty of what we would plan.

I kept it very low key.
With Mads and Zappy there to co-throw the party, we couldn't fail.
It was a chance for us all to hang out, have fun, slightly embarrass Ennui, and drink.

Reedfish, Ennui's man-to-be, bought her chasers to take while she drinketh, so thateth she would not a hangover have.

We were a small but loud gaggle. Starting at my place for drinks and appetizers and several rounds of Adult Mad Libs, which made me tinkle in my pants I was laughing so hard. Yeah, I DO kagel (sp?) excercises already. My future for Depends is almost assured. Fabulous.

We made Ennui wear a banner that proclaimed she is the Bachelorette. She protested. But Mads kept with her mantra of, "But how will you expect to get free drinks otherwise?" When Ennui saw that we too were wearing name badges that proclaimed we were friends of the Bachelorette, she didn't feel so singeled out.
I was "Ms. Robinson". Zappy was "Luscious D". Mads was "the Instigator" and Nat was "Ms. Jackson".

We headed over to the Big Foot Lodge for some Monday night karaoke.
I like that bar but it sometimes feels young, or clique-ish. I wasn't sure how karaoke would be.

Turns out...it was amazing.
Jim, the guy that runs the Monday night karaoke there, was great. Great choice of songs, not a lot of jabber between songs, etc.

The bartenders were fun and the people around us were celebrating with us.

I was the only one in the group to sing since the list of people waiting was LONG. I sang, "When Will I Be Loved" by Linda Rondstadt.

Some guy comes up to me afterwards and tells me he is Linda Rondstadt's biggest fan.

He begs me to bring the gals to his house afterwards with his friends (we were dancing with his group) because he has a huge karaoke machine.

Me: "Dude, UI don't think that is going to happen. In this group, I am the only one who likes to sing. The others are here only because they are drunk."

Him: "So you won't be coming over?"

Poor Ennui, by 1am-ish started to look a little not so good.

She was dancing. Then she sat. Hand over mouth.

Bachelorette party was coming to its close.

We hustled her back to my place where I gave her the gifties we had treated her to (Handcuffs, a little man you stick in water and he grows two inches in 72 hours, the book of the Kama Sutra, a coupon book of kinky sex, and a candy bra). She wanted me to leave them in my apartment.

Mads: "You have to have Kirsten get them for you. You need them for your honeymoon."
Ennui: "I will get them later."
Mads: "But what about the Kama Sutra book?"
Ennui: "I may want the Kama Sutra book." and then she slumped even further into Zappy's front passenger seat.

They got her home to her man without any sickness.

You won't find our version of a Bachelorette Party on Wikipedia or on Bridezillas, but it was one of the best girl's nights out we had all had in awhile.

Here's to Reedfish and Ennui on their upcoming day.
Don't forget to use the key on the handcuffs, and remember that the candy bra will melt under extreme hotness, so wear at your own risk.

Posted by Kirsten at 11:26 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack