I knew/dated/slept with/fell for a guy a few years back.
We broke up.
And then a few weeks later, we did the inevitable "come over, I need you" dance.
The last time that happened, I was driving on Sunset to his house in Echo Park.
I was listening to the Rushmore soundtrack on my way over and the song "A quick one while he's away" from the Who came on. The lyrics: "You are forgiven" resonated in my head. At the time, I thought they were symbolic of me forgiving him. At least for the moment. A jedi mind trick to fool myself into being okay with going over there.
I just finished watching Rushmore again. I always find something new in the film.
When that song came on in the film, I smiled because I realized that for all the mistakes that I have made in the past five years, I finally forgive myself. And that part in the film is pretty funny too so I smiled for that as well. But more for me. Probably a combination.
Happy New Year's Eve. Wishing all of you forgiveness in 2007 and a clean slate in 2008. And always something to smile about, even amidst the chaos that life sometimes brings.
My mom had to put her dog of 14 years to sleep the Sat before Christmas
I met up with my friend-with-benefits that same weekend
A friend of mine announced she was pregnant again after just having lost her first pregnancy earlier this year
Zappy, after a very difficult year of loss was still able to put on the spread for all of us on Christmas
Attended an amazing pre-Christmas party by Reb's family filled with the kind of interesting people that I used to hope my life would be filled with
I hung out with Leigh's family for Christmas eve and took really cool family shots of them
I re-watched "once"
I watched "The eyes of tammy faye"
I saw "Juno"
I started reading "Bitter is the new black"
My car stalled on the freeway for no reason, but then right when a tow truck pulled up, it started again
I took car to mechanic and it was more than I expected but I took care of a few things that would have been way more expensive down the line
I listened to many friends like I was their therapist
Spent Dec 26th in my pjs the whole day with just the sound of my itunes to mess with my head
Saw my own therapist and was reminded about boundaries
Miss James
Don't need to see Friend-with-benefit for a long time if at all, since I am feeling a little more complete
A little more complete than I ever have
Realize that I am closer to the goal I have always had about the kind of life I want
Look back on my life and think that maybe I was trying to pretend I was getting what I wanted when I wasn't so many times
Realize that I was probably not pretending because you make the best with what you got when you are going through it
Am grateful I am where I am because it seems better than where I have been
Think back to the New Year's Eve I had in 1987 when I was an exchange student in Switzerland. I went to Davos with another American exchange student's rich host family. We partied like it was 1987 and there was no snow. because it was 1987 and there was no snow
And by no snow, I mean actual snow on the mountain, not cocaine
Can't believe it was 20 years ago
Amaze myself that I still feel as youthful but not as vulnerable
Will attend a pre-New Year's party with my neighbor and new friend Lisa tonight
Make my goals for 2008
Will do a photo exhibit with Reb this year
Plan New Year's party with Gamby, Evren and Zappy
Feel my achilles tendon getting better
Feel my ass getting bigger from not exercising from trying to heal my achilles tendon
Realize this is all temporary
After a week of being without her dog Janka (and actually she hasn't been without an animal in her home for 40 years), and mourning her loss, my mom went to the shelter and got a 2 year old dog named Berendt
Marvel at the lessons that 2007 gave me
Almost as if they were the entire springboard to get me to the next echelon of the life I have been creating
And that feels pretty intense
In a good way
As I pull up to the Albertsons on Hillhurst, I notice that the lights are out. My mind goes to: Ohhhh there must be a robbery.
Not one to be a looky loo unless I am in the safety of my apartment and can duck behind a window, I keep driving to the nearest Vons.
I buy the ingredients for the LAST batch of pumpkin bread I will make this season. Thank god. I am torn between wanting to give it as a gift and wanting to make sure people know how good it is. It is the only thing I can make so my ego is quite attached to people liking it.
But I am tired.
And after my road trip to Phoenix and prepping for this week of socializing, I knew I wouldn't have much time to prepare another batch if I didn't do it last night after Pilates.
I buy the ingredients. Start to notice some streets have no lights. As I near my block, I notice my block doesn't have any lights.
I see the street lights are out and it is pretty dark.
I am nothing if not quick. I notice so many details about life. And yet the big picture items go right over my head.
It takes me a minute to realize I don't have any lights.
My thought process goes: That's okay, I will just curl up in front of my netflix in the dark. HELLO! Unless I am curling up with the actual netflix envelope, that shit ain't happening.
My building manager has placed candles through the halls of our building so we can find our way to our doors. It looks very holiday-esque. I like it.
Once inside my apartment, I begin lighting candles. I have plenty so it starts to look like I am expecting company of the male persuasion for a romantic interlude.
It is quite pretty.
Outside is the rain and the beeping of the utility truck trying to fix the problem.
Inside, I decide that since the oven still works, I will attempt to make pumpkin bread without the electric beaters (how old school am I) and by the light of the candles.
And I did it! I stirred with popeye strength arms and kept shining the flashlight into the batter to make sure the mixing was going accordingly.
I smiled when I placed the last loaf pan into the oven. It was over. Almost.
It was hard to stay awake while they baked with only candle light and the remaining power of my computer playing my Itunes.
So I placed the baking timer next to my face.
And around midnight, the timer went off. I woke up. Checked out the baked goods. They looked good. The house smelled like holiday goodness.
I kind of like the idea that the last pumpkin bread batch was made without distractions of my tv. Me focusing on the happy faces that will receive their loaves without knowing what went into the creating of it.
No whirring of the beaters. Just the sound of the Armenians next door blasting their car stereo system in the driveway.
After the baking was over, I was wandering around the apartment to make sure I blew out all the candles before I went to bed.
And the lights come back on!
How convenient.
A loud cheer could be heard down the block.
It was strange to suddenly see into people's apartments with people moving around, knowing that minutes before, we were all sitting in the dark under cover unbeknownst to any voyeurs.
It was kind of cool.
Tonight (sunday), I am having an evening at my home with all my friends for storytelling night.
The topic is Fear.
I wasn't sure what I was going to write.
Until tonight.
I have been seeing someone lately.
I dated him last year and we had communication issues. The last time I saw him, I drove home in tears. I didn't like feeling like that. He wasn't the only one who made me feel like that but there was something about him that I was drawn to despite the sarcasm and lack of tenderness I needed. So I ended our blooming relationship.
A year later we are dating again.
Not exclusively.
Well, not at first. I still don't know if he is seeing other people and I for one can say that I am still staying open to dating options.
But it is starting to get a little more serious.
That is a good thing.
But tonight....old Kirsten with her old boundaries and old insecurities and old ways of handling it came out. And I left a date with this guy again feeling as shitty as I did a year ago. And here I thought we were doing sooo well.
We were...before tonight.
He asked me to come to San Francisco with him. I couldn't. But I appreciated the invitation. I told him so.
Due to our crazy schdules, I didn't think I would see him again until after the new year.
He was supposed to be busy this weekend.
But then his schedule cleared and he asked me to come to a party with him so I could meet all his friends.
Gulp.
I was nervous.
I was nervous to meet his friends. I was nervous because it was a theme party and I don't do dress-up well and I was nervous because most of his friends are from Burning Man. He also participates in Burning Man. I didnt know this last year. When I found out recently, I almost ended our date right there. I know that someone who is so into the loosy goosy lifestlye of Burning Man's free love isn't someone I would probably be comfortale with. But he kept asking me out. And each date, he tried harder to listen to my needs. We were communicating. So being asked to this party, I was a little hesitant because I know that I am not like these people. But I wanted to go because I wanted to see if I was capable of the next step of getting serious.
He told me on the phone that if anything that I witnessed made me uncomfortable, that I could leave at any time. He didn't want to make me feel weird.
I appreciated that.
But several things happened...1) a miscommunication, 2) a misunderstanding and then...3) I witnessed a couple take their make out place under a table on the outdoor patio and she spread her legs sans panties, and he ate her out.
I gasped. The girl I was talking to asked if I was okay.
I wasn't.
The whole evening was too much to handle.
So for the third time this eveing I had to find my date and tell him I was leaving...again. The first two times, I was ready to leave but was really just being dramatic to get his attention.
This time...I was ready to leave.
He understood. My fear (which I won't write about for storytelling) is that the closer I am to something real with regards to relationships, the more I feel that I am losing control. And not in a good way.
I don't know if I will hear from him again. I think we may be too different. Maybe he is still the same shitty communicator from last year. Maybe I, in response am the same passive-aggressive communicator that couldn't define her boundaries.
Part of me hopes that this is a bump to getting to the next level with him.
Part of me hopes this is the end, because even though I hated apathy, this feels like crap. The pit in my stomach of feeling like I really didn't belong at the party.
Many of the people he introduced me to said, "Is this your girl?" to him.
And then their eyes lit up at meeting me and they would proceed to tell me what a great guy he his. I know he is. And I was flattered that they kind of knew about me.
So why do I feel like I became someone I used to be? SOmeone I am not? Someone I don't like anymore?
Why couldn't I stand up for my tastes and say, "This isn't my scene"?
Because I am scared. Scared that this will be my future with him. And maybe scared that this will be the day that marks my past with him and there will be no future.
Or maybe I was scared that for all my growth, I am still battling with feeling like something is wrong with me; like I don't belong anywhere.
I have been embracing that as a good thing. But tonight it felt like a bad thing.
A bad thing I have felt way too many times in my life. Most of my life actually.
And I wonder...is this a step forward..or several steps back?
Apathy, I would love to have you back.