Two weeks with working out every night!
The diet is going swimmingly!
Things are going well. Especially since astrologyzone said that today wouldn't be a good day for anyone.
And actually the week was not so hot and today? A little bit hot.
Okay, not hot but well...not bad at all... in fact dare I say...fun.
I am tired though.
Newgirlboss is a jabberbox and I have to tune her out to just get the reprieve.
It takes a lot of work to do that.
But aside from the fatigue...I am happy it is Friday.
Went out to dinner with Mads, Jazzy and Zappy last night to Il Cappricio. It was yummy. Jazzy just returned from my Portland. I wish I could have been there with her on her trip. I miss that place.
After dinner, the gals went on to the Rustic. I had them drop me off at my apartment since the Rustic is not a place that I enjoy. I was planning to go to bed but instead popped in one of my netflix flix.
I started watching "Sex: The Annabel Chong story" about the porn star who did the first gang bang (251 men in 10 hours). The reason she said she did it is because she loves sex and is a feminist and wants women to feel that they can enjoy themselves and accomplish things in life in the same way that men do...or something like that. It was a weird movie because her boyfriend at the time made the documentary and it was hard to tell if he was trying to exploit her or have us understand her. She is an intellectual and a feminist and a woman that seems very fragile despite all her trying to convince the camera otherwise. She was trying to bring empowerment to women. I don't know if she feels she succeeded.
Anyway, I must say the film was a bizarre experience. I kind of like her as a person. She seems like she is very interesting. Her teeth are really messed up and in the commentary of her doing the whole film festival route, her teeth are fixed. And it made a difference in how she spoke. It is almost like she became as eloquent a speaker as she is apparently a writer, once her mouth was better as a ...well a mouthpiece rather than a porn tool. It is very disturbing at the same time as it is entertaining.
I brought in my netflix today and when the mail guy asked me what my films were, I told him. And I actually blushed.
I haven't blushed like that in a long time.
It was weird. Because I didn't even hesitate to tell him what the movie was. Like, I didn't think I was embarrassed. But I guess I was.
LA is so clear right now.
And windy.
Which is why it is so clear.
And cold.
And I am usually warm and I am cold.
Last night, after my work out, Mads and I went to Pho Cafe in Silverlake/Echo Park.
Yummy.
We talked about work stuff...not so yummy.
We are both going through similar but totally different things in our lives.
We ended up at House of Pies even though we banned it awhile ago due to the creepy feeling we get sitting in there too late.
But we sat in the lighted section near the outside.
And all was good.
And our bellies were full.
Which warmed us up in preparation for the cold, windy evening that lay just outside the window.
In a city like LA, I have found that I have many many crushes, but have a hard time really connecting to many men.
I go out a LOT! And in the moments where you do strike a connection, it might be that the timing is off. He is dating someone...you are dating someone. Or that you both feel the connection, but one of you feels it stronger and is more motivated to do anything about it.
Like with Ghost.
Or the DJ from years past.
But with the recent december fling with Farkle, it was nice to have so much fun. We really weren't on the same page from the beginning.
But it was fun. And he was sweet. And the more I hung out with him, the more attached I got.
Which is a good thing we didn't stay together because me getting attached to him would have led to me wanting a deeper relationship from him and that is exactly what you don't want when you know from the beginning that you don't want the same things.
But still, it stings.
I was just telling my former roommate Debbie from Portland (who by the way mentioned that she saw our old house - yes the one that was next to you Jax - on the news as a meth lab - yikes...and I thought the spiders there were bad) that it is so wierd when you just meet someone for a short period of time, how your life can change. I am trying to remember what I was doing just prior to meeting him.
It is a little bit of a battle. But I am glad when new people come into my life. I just hate it when they leave.
But things are different this time around. I feel that you can only progress through these kinds of things by going through these kinds of things. you don't know how well you will do until you are in it.
And even though it has brought up the fact that I feel things sooo deeply when I get attached, I am also able to let this go a little sooner than usual. I am not saying that I am doing well. Just better than I ever have. Oy, I have also learned that i am just a little dramatic. Hell, who am I kidding? I already knew that. I guess I am just learning the depths of my dramatics.
But...in true non-dramatic "I'm-picking-myself-up" form, I am doing things to evolve AND keep myself busy.
I exercised every day last week.
Each work out brought me into a meditative state.
Which was perfect for the meditation class I took this morning with R, my former diet coach. She led the group.
It was a beautiful day out in North Hollywood at a spectacular home of a casting director. We ate breakfast out on the deck and got ready to meditate. I met a wonderful couple who are entering their film into several film festivals and I also met a graphic designer.
As I said, I am glad when new people come into my life. It is the kind of weekend where all my usual suspercts are either busy being out of town guests or entertaining out of town guests. And I took this weekend to really get down and dirty with where I want to head with my life.
The meditation went well. We did a guided mediation that was supposed to last 20 minutes. My heart raced at the thought. I am not a good meditator. I tend to get antsy. But it went better than I had hoped. And it turns out, we did it for 45 minutes. Who knew I could handle that? I didn't. But there it was... my new goals already starting to form.
R mentioned that she felt our energy very strongly. She is kind of psychic too. She looked at me and said, "I mostly felt your energy and what I saw was that you are on the verge of a huge energy shift...things are changing for you in a major way".
I smiled. I was pleased that I am coming into my own as the person I am trying to become.
Afterwards, I went to Aroma where Ennui once took Mads and me for coffee. It is located on Tujunga across from Vitello's (you know where Blake's wife was ...well you know...especially you Kate for artistic reasons for sure!)
It was packed.
I stood behind two pretty girls who were sisters. One was pretty with no make up and the other was pretty but wore crazy drag queen make up.
A rocker guy and his buddy were walking out past us and said to his friend, "this way out is the path of most resistance...but you get to look at all the pretty girls in line." And then he winked at me. I blushed. The sisters didn't even really take note. I smiled as he walked by. It felt nice. I felt that I was no longer observing everything and everybody. I was a part of it all.
And then I saw Jane Curtin. And even then, I didn't feel like an observer. Well a little bit. I called my dad to tell him of my star sighting.
"Is she tall? I always thought she seemed tall?" he asked.
"Not that tall. I mean like 5'7"
"Yeah, that is what I thought".
it was cool.
Then I drove to hollywood to get a thai massage and then I went to the arclight to see "Walk the Line" but it was sold out.
Zappy called me to see if I wanted to grab dinner with her and her out of town guest at the Rock and Roll Elvis Thai place.
I passed. I will join them tomorrow for brunch.
I felt it was a good night just to be quiet with all the things I learned about myself today and really relish the fact that in learning and growing from this new little battle, I am definitely feeling the energy shift in a major way.
And I don't think it will stop shifting for awhile so ...look out world...I am emerging!
And if that seems a little dramatic....that is okay by me...it's just how I roll.
I am back on the fitness routine. I walked. I ate healthy nibbles here and there this weekend (okay ...only when I wasn't eating the most fabulous fattening meals at super restaurants but I am digressing...)
This weekend was just what I needed.
Sunday, Mads and I went to C&O out in Venice. MMMMMMmmmm.
It was good. Fattening but gooooood. We ate a pretty healthy fare. I really only say that to rationalize the whole, "I am thinking fitness-wise again".
We walked along the boardwalk and had a beachside huxter read our palms.
She was not wrong about what she read in my hands...but she wasn't right either.
She said my soul mate would be a Gemini.
Then, when she asked Mads what her sign was, and Mads told her she was a Libra, the Huxter looked back at me and said, "See? What did I tell you?"
"Um, you told me he would be a Gemini"
And she nodded like we were in agreement.
Um note to lady, you said Gemini and Mads is a Libra AND, although I love Mads...I do not LUUUUUUUVVVVV Mads in the romantic sense.
She kept nodding like her head was on springs. I think dementia was her friend. Or else the sound of the waves behind her sounded like the angels talking to her. I don't really know.
We almost wanted to go to another craggly faced beach huxter just to get her wierd vibe off of us.
We didn't.
We ended up at Borders reading for hours. It was very relaxing AND educational. I won't tell you what section we were in, but meow, we know a lot lot lot about of lots of different things now.
Keep guessing...I'll never tell.
We met up with Jazzy and Zappy at the Bowery. Two yummy restaurants in one day. You would have thought this lady was one of leisure. To be sure, I am trying to be one on a budget so it is perfectly in line with who I am trying to be.
Yesterday, the day was all mine. And I loved it. I would wake up and then nibble on something. Then I would fall back asleep.
Watched dvd's, took a walk, ate some more and fell asleep.
Called Gamby when someone she is associated with won a Golden Globe last night. It was right when the Golden Globe was won and I was the first to call Gamby. But I was by far the last. Her phone got hot and she had to take the other well wishers who had the same idea I did. I think her life will be even more busy in the near future. Not like she isn't already super busy. I hope to see her again soon.
Work today has been good. A little busy. A little fun. And tonight is dance class! I can't wait.
Fitness routine is back on schedule.
And I am rested too. The new year begins NOW for me. Ready, set GO!
In anticipation of my 3 day weekend, I thought I would get to see Farkle and have some fun and go on another wonderful date.
But our conversation last night ended the very last strands of hope that we are on the same page.
We are not.
We are done.
Want different things blah blah blah. No more thinking about that which is no longer serving me.
So on to other things.
On my way home, a cop-cycle stopped me and gave me my first traffic citation EVER! he was so apologetic. I thought, if you are really sorry, you could NOT give it to me. I told him this was my first citation EVER! and he was like, "Well let's hope it is your first and last" ha ha ha. Not so funny. He couldn't tell me how much it would be. Darn it. Well, I had a good run of my renegade driving techniques. But I truly would have thought he would have been impressed at the fact that I am as old as I am and this is my first traffic citation EVER! But you know...I overestimated a lot about what people would say last night.
Last night, went and met Gamby at the Blue Monkey for a birthday party. The crowd was very hollywood bar scene. Met a nice guy named Kent and got to see Gamby (which is always nice). She has been busy working for big name actress and has been MIA with us for awhile.
The bouncer at the club in our brief encounter made my night. When I got there, he glanced at my license but noticed that my upcoming birthday is the same as his mom's. When I left, I waved goodbye and he said, "Happy Birthday, if I don't see you." Which is really amazing that he remembered me from walking in because the place had gotten busy and many many people had come and gone in the time I was in there. It was a nice way to end the evening.
This morning, I went to meet Mads at Swingers for breakfast. Then went on to Amoeba and got some new music. Mads and I hung out for awhile listening to the new purchases at her digs. We both exhausted.
No time left to go back home though, because we had to get to Bergamot Station to see Viggo Mortgensen (sp?) and his art.
So after a little adventure getting there, we made it to the parking lot of Bergamot which was an entire adventure on its own. We literally sat in the parking lot for 45 minutes praying to get a space that was big enough not to ding my car. All over the lot you could hear cars being scratched. It was chaos. But that made for good conversation once inside all the different exhibits. We got to Viggo's show. Cameras and people gathered round him like flies. We tried to as well but it was too crowded. Mads and I kept joking that he was going to be my boyfriend tonight. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. He is very cute though.
We ran into Tripod who told a hysterical story about trying to bring weed to an out of town guest staying at a hotel. As he got there, he noticed a big banner welcoming the Narcotics Officers and the dogs-they-work-with Convention. So there is Tripod in the middle of the lobby with his "delivery", surrounded by drug sniffing K9's. Of course he beat the retreat. I laughed so hard hearing the story that I almost knocked a photo off the wall. That would have been a tad embarrassing.
Mads and I were starving and headed to this little Thai place that she knew of. It wasn't really near the exhibit but it wasn't too far either. We got there and waited for Zappy to join us. I hadn't seen her since before Christmas. We are both kind of in the same place with our personal lives.
While we were waiting for Zappy, guess who walked in sans the cameras? That's right, my boyfriend to be...Viggo! It was such a strange coincidence because the place we were was kind of a tiny no-name place. I mean it was pretty crowded in there because it is good, but it was soooo not a hollywood place that we were a little stunned to see him. It was cool. He was still cute, but his back was to us so I still didn't get to wow him with my accessories and my hairstyle that Mads gave me for the evening. Shucks...well, his loss.
After Thai, we headed to the Lab in Culver City for the Ricky something photo exhibit. Lots of hipster,skater types. Guys checking us out. Interesting art. It was fun. Then we headed down the street to the Black something to see another exhibit. Lots more people there. It was cool. Every piece of art that Mads liked, was the most expensive on the list. Fine tastes that girl has.
Finally, I was a tired pup. Mads and Zappy continued on and I headed home.
I am so happy that it is only Sat night. I still have two days ahead of me to relax. Yes, the weekend started out a bit bitter-town-ish, but I am doing so much better.
It's easy when you have friends like I do and you live in a town like LA where you get to explore so many exhibits and get a star sighting all in one night.
Phew.
5 of my friends got engaged last year.
3 of them met their intendeds on the internet.
So it can happen.
But it hasn't for me.
My comedy is based around internet dating (unfortunately...or fortunately for my comedy, I guess).
So when Brian told me about these ladies who are doing a documentary about online dating, I jumped at the chance.
Just jumped at the chance to expel my wisdom, mistakes, naivete, fears and hopes on internet dating.
I mean, I am almost an expert.
And I am kind of addicted to it. Which is actually one of my complaints about the guys who do it.
But you know...admitting it is the first step.
It was fun.
The gals were really low key. We did the on camera interview on their deck and drank mochas.
I found I had a lot to say.
So much so, that I didn't notice that my feet were freezing.
The interview turned into more of a gab session once I wore out the battery and I had answered all their questions.
One of them has the name of a good psychic that she will give me.
We talked about new agey stuff and we will probably hang out some time again.
They were nice.
I mean, I think they were nice.
I guess I have to see how they edit my answers. Hopefully I don't come off like a complete loon.
But I am sure they will be kind...I mean we drank mochas together and broke lemon bread together...that has gotta count for something.
Yesterday was THE longest day ever.
I was all prepped to go to the gym, but got out of work a little too late.
But Mads saved the day and we went walking.
Both of us still are congested which maybe wasn't the best idea when we were walking up Beechwood Canyon and the wind was kind of chilly.
We ended up talking about JT Leroy and he, the elusive writer, may in fact have been a fabricated person who was really a woman playing a man.
I love that shit.
I mean everyone feels like a fool for believing in the illusion. But in a way, the act is no different than Marilyn Monroe changing reinventing herself from Norma Jean Baker into the starlet we now know. I think the difference may be in the feeling of being duped.
We ended up at the Daily Planet and were just reading some of the books in there.
I loved the smells that wafted in. The coffee from next door, the candles, someone smoking at the newsstand, the various perfumes of women dashing in to buy a quick quirky gift for someone.
It was quiet in there. And it was nice to just sort of be out but be quiet.
Then fatigue of standing there washed over me and we resumed our walking.
It was a nice night. Calm and fitness-oriented and with good company.
Which isn't what the doctor ordered, but she would have, if I called her and told her to order me something.
PS - Thanks to all my friends who read regularly and who have been sending emails to cheer me up. I appreciate the support. I am really lucky to have you in my life.
First Brad and Jen
Then Christina Applegate and Jonathan Schaegchadjfkads (I can never spell his name)
Then Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen (who *phew* reconciled)
Then Nick and Jessica
Then Denise and Charlie AGAIN!
Now Chad Lowe and Hilary Swank.
Sad sad day.
George Clooney recently said, "Everyone wants to get me married off...but all these people's marriages are falling apart...I am doing just fine thanks."
I guess if you want it to last, you need to pay them like Tom Cruise did.
Still getting over my cold, listening to advice from friends and going to bed early gives you a chance to really assess what you want from life.
Right now, I would love to wake up without coughing...but that aside, I think I am zeroing in on a constant state that I notice in relationships - mine and those around me.
It's not news. It's not like I reinvented the wheel...it's just that somehow this little thought really brought home the difference between men and women (besides the obvious).
And that is that men do not deny themselves.
Not men these days.
They fart when they need to, eat when they need to, leave when they need to, call when they need to and cuddle when they need to.
Women on the other hand seem to take on the emotional status for both and try and maintain a relationship...even in the most casual instances.
Even in you are just casually dating someone, and you know they like you more then you like them, the woman will try and figure out how to say things without hurting the guy's feelings.
Women will assess if the guy has a lot on his plate before springing a bombshell.
Men usually will do what they need to and then move on.
And as far as women go, I am also more nurturing than I want to be. I fight against it even with my friends. I think some of my identity has always come in getting pleasure out of making sure others are content, pleased and pleasured.
This year...something is changing.
I like people. And I want to keep liking people. But I also like me. And I want to see if I can identify myself with someone who takes care of her needs first and then is stronger in being a good person to those around her second.
We will see.
I know I sound mad or bitter but really, I am in a good place; just dealing with the growing pains. I just wish I could get rid of this damn cough.
I will make sure that I do.
When you are hopped up on medicine, have your period and decide to never see someone again, you are bound to be emotional.
I am a very sad, medicine-filled, husky-voiced, little girl right now.
Oh, I will get over all of it in time.
I mean the sun is out and my head is starting to clear a little bit.
So that helps.
Letting go is just really really hard for me.
I spent the last 2 and half years letting go of Ghost who was never really there in the first place.
Now, I am letting go of something I didn't have for long.
And that is hard.
And I am sad.
And my head feels drunk.
And my eyes hurt.
I am kind of thankful for the cold since I can hide my sadness behind it.
But I have an amazing support system and it will all work itself out the way it is supposed to.
Wish me luck.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
I rang in the New Year weekend with a gusto.
I spent a wonderful time with Brian Friday night. We laughed more than I have laughed in a long time.
Sat morning, I met Mads for breakfast. Both of us seemed to have gotten no memo or had even been in the vicinity of a weather report.
We got soaked.
I was wearing little leather flats. We had no umbrellas. Puddles felt like lakes and my jumping-over-them ability was very sad.
We bought stuff for the party. we ran into Scott. We all looked like wet puppy dogs.
But come party time, it was a different story.
We cleaned up very nicely.
We had a pretty raging little fete.
Reedfish who I met last year for the first time at New Year's and who I introduced here as Ennui's new man, is now Ennui's fiance.
He gave me a lot of advice regarding my romantic entanglement.
"Don't be afraid of love" he said very drunkenly.
"I won't be" I said, but I still know that I am confused with my sitch. Falling for someone (not Ghost) and am feeling pretty vulnerable.
I guess we will see what happens.
Derek was there providing plenty of wild turkey, cherry bombs and jaeger. He is a crazy one that guy. In from London, he brought some party peeps.
I left the party at 3am with absolutely no voice.
That is right...no voice.
Come Sunday, I was feeling a little under the weather.
I still had a blast hanging out with Mads the rest of the weekend. One night we went to this Thai restaurant which makes the best food but the service has always been awful. The waitress was like annoyed when I asked for water. Like my lack of a voice was hurting her ears. She was weird. Mads and I sat at the bar and ate. At one point, this crazy waitress pulled out a ginormous box of chocolates like the kind you would get at Smart and Final and just starting eating them...like we were interrupting her time in her living room or something.
I was not looking forward to going to work this morning. But then I realized I couldn't. I was still pretty sick.
My voice is just now starting to come back. And by come back, it sounds like nails on a chalkboard. But at least it is present.
I have been watching Chappelle's Show which I must say is cracking me up. Laughing hurts. But not laughing hurts more.
Here is to finding the answers to love, not being sick, and to laughing a ton in this new year.
Cheers.