September 25, 2006

And Just Like That...It Was Gone

The air is changing.
Can you feel it?
I had a very relaxing weekend.
Very necessary too.
I have been bogged down with work, career, self esteem, dating.
It's kind of a recipe for disaster if you don't check it.
So in an effort to save my sanity, I took a break from working out and from dating last week.
I moved all my dates to another week.
The funny thing is that I don't even care about the dating any more.
They guys I am meeting are nice for the most part, but people are so freaky and flawed. And being successful with dating is how well you match up your freaky and flawed-ness with the other person's.
And that matching is just not happening.
The dating used to be so much on my mind but now I am into the writing.
And the creating.
And forging a better existence creatively for myself.

I am still in contact with the pilot, the chiropractor, the avocado farmer and the grip. I don't know how long they will still be around when I am only really making dates for Sundays and since that day comes only once a week, it puts some of teh guys off to wait so long.
I mean, I AM worth it, but they don't know that and so just like me, they gots to do what they gots to do.
The guy I thought was a 24 year old venture capitalist who has me in stiches and is not like anyone I have ever met before, turned out to be a 22 year old studying communications and wants to be an actor.
That face you are making? I made it too.

I watched "Carnal Knowledge" last night and I hated it. I mean, I didn't hate the movie I guess, but I hated the subject matter. It reminded me of "In the Company of Men". Look, I need to find reasons for why I shouldn't distrust men, not more reasons of why they are schmucks.
But good cinema and all that.

Anyway, Pilates begins tomorrow and I am all core-ready to get my stretch on.
Not really, but if I keep saying that, then by the time tomorrow comes, I will be in a place to embrace the program. Drink the kool-aid. Get on board. Tow the Company Line.

I made pumpkin bread so it officially feels like fall.
That and the aforementioned air smells different. Good different.

I went for a walk last night and listened to my Ipod and got into a cool meditative state. It is so strange that every moment that passes you is a memory. You really only own the moment you are breathing.
Then it too becomes a memory. And even when you feel like you are in a holding pattern, you are really only in a phase that will also become a memory that with time will become more dramatic for stories, or not as bad as you remember.
And I thought about (as I tend to when the fall air swirls around me) how it was only yesterday that we celebrated New Year's. And how at that New Year's party, I exclaimed that it was only yesterday since the previous New Year's. And I noticed how soooo much has changed in my life and in my friend's lives and that it only takes a new moment to change the holding pattern.

When I woke up this morning, my window wafted in some awesome morning air and I just lay in bed being very aware that I was waking up slowly. Usually I jump out of bed once I shake off sleep, but this morning I just took it all in. The reflection on my tv showed me the sunrise out my window.
And I smiled. Because I was totally present.
Today I am changing the pattern I have been in.

Posted by Kirsten at 09:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 19, 2006

Don't Poke the Crazy

This week ends my jdate extravaganza.
It has been a wild time.
Even after my membership expires, I still have 3 dates that I have moved to next week because I needed a break this week from all the lovin.
I have learned a lot during this month.
Mostly, I learned to trust my instincts.

Or listen to them when they are screaming at me.

Friday, I accepted a date with a guy that I was frankly not that into.
His profile was cool but when he called me, I was very busy at work and I wasn't really thinking. I actually took the restricted call because I thought it was Leigh calling me back.
In addition to my distraction, the conversation was pretty stale.

Phone conversation:
Me: I liked your profile
Him: I liked yours too. We should go out. I own a condo.
Me: Um sure (shuffling papers, not really listening)
Him: When?
Me: How about tomorrow afternoon for coffee (which would be sat).
Him: I already have plans. I made them before I even knew you
Me: Oh of course. No problem
Him: I can't cancel.
Me: No you shouldn't.

I know. Right then and there, I should have come up with some plan to not meet him. But I was so blue from the week I had had and work caused me to scream out loud, "This place is sucking the life out of me" to the horror of the guy next to me, that I accepted as a settlement to myself that this would be a good distraction.

So, after trying to work through our various busy schedules, we planned to meet this Thursday.
After a weekend of really bad choices (that Claire and Mads helped me through), I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to do anything that I didn't want to do anymore.
I don't have time in my schedule to meet with the ho-hummers of the world.
Dazzle me. Wow me. Piss me off. But if you are ho-hum, you will probably never stand a chance.
So I wrote him to let him know I couldn't meet this Thursday.

I will call him the teacher since that is what he does (now keep this thought in mind when you read what follows).
I told him that this week was bad and that I would have to reschedule for an unspecified time.
Sat night at midnight, he called and left a message.
"I got your message. Call me. We can reschedule. Friday and Saturday are no good because of Yom Kippur (I actually found out that it is not Yom Kippur this weekend, it is Rosh Hashanah, but whatever) but any other day will work."
I check my email and he emailed me to tell me he would call me.
The next day, he called me 3 more times and left another message.
I checked my email and he had left ANOTHER email.
So I emailed him back.

Here is that correspondence (the names have been changed to protect the stupid):

Hi Kirsten,

I left you tow voice messages yesterday. Did you get them? Call me at 555-5555.

Teacher :)

---Original Message---
Hi Teacher-

I am sorry I didn't call you back. My plate is currently full with projects. This is my last week on jdate because I just don't have time to meet any of the new people I am encountering.
Thanks for the calls.
Good luck to you,
---Original Message---

After all of that and you said you really like my profile now your saying bye bye to me so long. Wow. That's harsh. It would of been nice of you to call me back at least. Espeically when I called you over the weekend trying to return your email from jdate. So long your loss not mine.

Teacher :)


"After all that"?
To put it in perspective,
He called me on Friday. The email was Monday. We spoke a total of one time on the phone.
I wanted to write back, "Shocker that you are still single", but as my friend Katey said,
"Don't poke the will move"
She's right.
And so was I to listen to my instinct on this one.

Dodged that bullet in the best way.

So as my time on this site ends, I am left with having had a lot of fun dates, a lot of emotional ups and downs and a lot of stories to share with you in time.


Posted by Kirsten at 09:18 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 14, 2006

Not Always What You Think

I am trying to keep up on the working out.
I am trying to keep up being social although between the move and the active dating, all I want to do is veg in front of my netflix.
The dates have been plentiful but crazy.
Leigh's husband (whom she met on, said to me that dating online especially makes you realize that there are a LOT of people you don't mix well with.
He is right.
But different sites provide different kinds of guys.
I don't know if I mentioned that I joined Jdate. I am not Jewish.
But Mads's bf suggested that I might like it.
And I have. The quality of the dates has improved. And the conversations are better. And the men are quite passionate about everything (esp me!)
Most successful dating whirl I have ever had.

Things going against me though (I bet you thought it was that I am not Jewish) are that I don't want kids.

Now if I was a 37 year old woman who did want kids, then that would probably work against me too on the site because it would look like my clock is ticking and by gum, I better get making babies fast.

Who knows? I find that when this month has expired, I probably won't renew since I need a break. Plus, I am trying to maintain the guys I have already met. Trying to add new ones feels like adding a match to a campfire already blazing.

One date, my second worst ever (which I will write about another time because you need to hear it and you can't make this shit up) asked me very sarcastically if I am having a hard time keeping everyone straight in my head.
I have never in my life been asked how many people I am dating (and I have done years of online dating) and now that I AM dating a lot of guys at once, they are asking.

I told him no, I am not having problems remembering anyone because I am quite gifted with my memory and I listen and retain facts about people (that seems like a good thing now, but in fights, everyone wishes I was an amnesiac). And second, I told him as well as the others who have asked how many I am dating that they shouldn't ask questions they don't want the answers to.
Kind of like when a woman asks how many women a man has been with. Or has he ever done 3somes or why don't you think we will work out, etc...
They think that because I am so present with them that there aren't others. Or for some reason they need to know for their egos regardless of whether they are dating others (see, I don't ask in the beginning cuz I don't want to would mess with my head).

They are trying to get a handle on me. I am trying to get a handle on how I feel about them. And in the end, things come out and you learn about people and you realize you were in the dark about things. Or based on what you gave out to them, they were in the dark about you. Dating is a sort of scavenger hunt or mystery game of unlocking knowledge.

I guess it goes back to what Mads told me recently.
"Things are never what you think they are."
So true.

The more I date, the less I know about men. You think it would be the opposite. I mean, I know about how to play the game better and I know what triggers them into running towards you or away from you.
But I would have to say that I really don't know men that well.
But I will say that the more I date, the more I know about what I am looking for.
And that is one thing that is keeping me out of the dark, at least in uncovering truths about myself.

Posted by Kirsten at 09:02 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 05, 2006


I don't know why I was concerned several weeks ago about having a drought of things to write about.
Per usual with my life, the events just parade in front of me and entertain me, engage me, make me sad, make me laugh, and then leave town.
Not really.
But you know what I mean.
Lots happened this weekend.
Front runners fell out of the race, new dates took place, BBQs, parties, lunches, and lots of prolific writing.
The writing.
Thank god for the writing. Well actually, thank god for the events to inspire the writing.
It was quite a weekend.
And now my office moves and I am preparing for this week to be a doozy.

Posted by Kirsten at 10:22 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 01, 2006

Long Weekend

Long weekend ahead.
To sum up the past week:
Went to San Diego to see my dad.
Felt reborn boogie boarding in the water.
Mr. UK and I have had 3 dates.
I have several other dates with other men on the horizon as well (you still have to play the game even if you have a front runner).
Some BBQs and quality time with my friends.
Then next week, my office moves locations.
Last year's move gave me a nervous breakdown.
I am trying to maintain a zenlike facade.
The cardio is suffering and I am giving into the Chocolate Gods. Must regain control.
Downloaded a lot of new music from Itunes and I feel like a new person.

Life is good.
I must remember not to change the flight pattern I am on.
I must stay the course (except for the cardio. I could change that one a little bit).
If I can just maintain, I will be fine.
That wasn't meant for you Chocolate God.

Posted by Kirsten at 06:55 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack