I love 4 day weekends.
I love not working.
But I do have to admit that I have been lazier than I have time to be.
Thanksgiving was awesome. It started with a brunch at Zappy's. After the brunch, Mads and I went to the beach to watch the waves.
Then on my way home, I stopped off at Hollywood Forever Cemetery to meditate, only to get chased by a gigantic black swan(and yes I mean chased...imagine me walking away fast and then running as this black swan is chasing and screeching at me as I am running over graves yelling, "Get away swan! Get away!") as I was trying to read Tyrone Powers's tomb.
Aside from that, I was really moved to see Johnny Ramone's statue. I was surprised to come across Dee Dee Ramone's. It almost made me cry. He almost can make me cry.
The sky was that hazy November sun that I remember of my Thanksgivings in Venice in the seventies. And the air was quiet.
In the evening, I went to chez Mads where her father was on a roll with zingers. We were all cracking up. Everyone was in good spirits.
Last night, I went to the opening of Skin and Bones at MOCA. Met up with Mads and Steven as well as Zappy and Tripod. Frenchiegal was there too.
It was a very interesting exhibit. I didn't quite get it but I think I liked it.
And today I am meeting up with Leigh.
I will fill you all in on the dating later.
Suffice it to say that the guy who told me I reminded him of his ex whom he is suing, and another guy who was the sweetest guy in the world but didn't get my humor were not love matches.
But more on that later.
I am off to try and shower since my uniform this weekend has been my pjs unless forced out into the world by social engagements. Of which I have one, so I am off.
Until later
The reel was shot.
Now editing begins.
And from the perspective of producing it, I think it went well.
The people that I brought on board to help out were amazing. I was very blessed to see all the good people on the shoot who contributed in the most professional way, bringing a fun energy to the shoot. Thank you.
It is just tough, when you have accepted the task of producing, have done all the prep work, taken on all the responsibility to do it, thought about and considered all the details, created Plan Bs in case Plan As didn't work out, have it go flawlessly, and then have other people try and swoop in and control it.
It kind of burns my hide. No wait...it REALLY burns my hide.
And because this whole process made me exhausted, I wasn't in a strong place to be able to think clearly to stand up. I was letting things get to me and I could feel myself getting smaller and feeling very victimized.
I have heard that when an alcoholic stops drinking even for years or decades, if they take a sip and fall off the wagon (go back on the wagon? I can never remember what the phrase is...anyhow...they start drinking again), their body reacts as if it is back to when they stopped. Not like they haven't had a drop, but rather that they have been drinking the whole time.
I used to work for a narcissitic B-level actress who focused so much on what I was doing rather than on what she needed to accomplish to have the whole process succeed. And when it fell apart, she never looked at her lack of perparation, she always turned the microscope on me.
She micro-managed because she couldn't trust that the skills and energy that I brought to things when they succeeded would still be successful without her stamp of chaos-induced control freakiness. And it caused me a lot of depression and anxiety.
That was another lifetime ago.
I am in the midst of taking that drop of "alcohol" after not having so much as looked at the stuff. There is that brand of chaos-induced control freakiness around me.
And it has been throwing me back into that place of depression and powerlessness.
Until this morning.
Something (perhaps enough sleep) clicked on. And I woke up refreshed, knowing that life isn't always about struggle. That you can charm people to get what you need without looking like a tyrant and that what I request and demand, is not without validation.
And I was able to hold onto that and not allow any outside substances to come into my sober world and bring me back to a place from another time.
And you know what...the substance understood. And backed down.
Balance, at least for the moment, has been restored.
And for the first time in weeks, I can exhale.
We are shooting our reel this weekend.
And to those involved who have had to go through all the ups and downs of it all...I say, "thanks".
Tonight I am going to the first class of Cardio Strip Tease.
Ha cha cha.
Good way to unleash some of this reel anxiety.
Bad way is to keep dating poopheads.
Which is why I am taking the class and not dating a poophead.
But I did have a date last night with a VO guy (not a recognizable poophead as far as I can tell). But I canceled on him because I had too many things to do for the shoot. And then promptly made a date with the other Double IM guy (also not a poophead as far as I can tell).
But then I canceled on him because I was feeling under the weather.
Which was good because I fell asleep pretty early. Notice I didn't say, went to bed. Because when I fall asleep in my clothing, while half propped up on the couch and half leaning off the side while I have a fork in my hand...it isn't a sign that I was headed for bed.
I do think, however, it is a sign that I may have Narcolepsy.
Or should eat dinner earlier.
Or start prepping myself for bed around 6:30pm.
Great...when did I become THAT person?
November already.
I thought I would have loved September. But September and I had several dates that looked promising but alas, we were only to be fleetin in our admiration of each other.
Which gave me hope for October.
I thought I would have learned from my mistakes from September.
But you can't bring your baggage with you and not have a place to put it.
So October became the relationship of realizing what I still had to learn.
And now it is November.
I tentatively begin a dialogue with it.
Assess where I am.
What is going on.
The reel is coming together.
My shimmy is improving in Belly Dance.
I started seeing a therapist.
In Pilates, I was able to do something I couldn't before.
My friends are awesome.
My pants are beginning to fall off of me.
My cat's eye is clearing up.
I have two dates this weekend.
Jax is coming to town briefly.
Everyone I know is healthy at the moment.
My car is running great.
Work stress has paused itself.
My ProActive should be arriving any day.
As should the CoreSecrets.
If I had stayed watching infomercials any longer last weekend, I would have also ordered the Susan Lucci product and the Magic Bullet. But I didn't.
Two of my cousins have art exhibits this weekend.
I still have chocolate at my desk and don't feel a need to eat it.
I don't want to get my hopes up, but November might be just what I was looking for.
At least so far...